The Start of Making Things Official :

I’ve been meaning to start making a proper blog for awhile. Now, that everything around me is so busy and I have so many other things to accomplish I find the motivation to escape with this project. I have attempted to make blogs before, but they either come out not to my liking or my concentration issues make it impossible to keep updating…This time I have hopes it will be different.

This time, I’m fighting for my dreams :p

I.L. Knight

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UP – Epik High (Ft. Bom)

The Sad Fate Of The Scum Lord :

I know it seems like talk about my family issues a lot, but if you know everything that’s not really the case. I talk about surface issues and some of the intense feelings that have built up. I think now I’m ready to shed some light on one of the intense non-talked about issues my family faces.

To sum up the background context, people died and money fights began. It became the battle of the super wealthy and the middle class. Mental Health issues and rotten personalities blew up the situation and it became years worth of drama and attacks. Family members chose sides and refused to acknowledge the other. This has gone on still to this day. It has accumulated all of the experiences together so it can form the dramatic climax of all the shitty buildup.

At the moment, the wealthy 1% has succeeded at clawing every last drop of $$$ he can from every situation. Even now, the scum lord seems to be fighting a will of a deceased person to take $$$ left to other people in the family for no other reason than stupid feelings of anger, envy and greed. It is a situation were I find myself no longer able to try and see its side of things and remember we are family. It is a situation where I remember what its actions had done to the family of the past. How its actions rippled into painful memories for me.

I am enraged. I want to be like a character in a movie and burn it all away. However, this is reality. My mother will return to earth and realize that she cannot have these spending habits on the salary of a preschool teacher. My grandparents who continuously face financial struggles must not only support the rest of the family more, but deal with the emotional burden of the scum lord’s claws. My aunt must deal with the fact the scum lord is no longer family and does not want her to have money for her young child. My cousin can only grow up without any happy memories of family due to its influence.

While, I can only see it as an insult to everything we grew up with. Yes, I have a shite ton of problems with my family. However, we were raised, they were raised, in tradition and culture. Family is never abandoned and forgotten. Family is the heart of a home. How dare the scum lord and its people trash such ideals for such pathetic reasons. Scum. Trash. Someone who need a fiction stories amount of karma retribution.

I also needed time to grow. I needed the financial help from my family to afford school and housing. Have you forgotten how many people fucked over by your greed?

It is no longer my family. It no longer will have moments to be understood. It has made my grandparents burden worse, my aunt sad, my cousin missing of a possibility and my chronically ill mother need to give more than her body can give.

I pray for karma to seek the retribution it deserves. I pray for my family and our resolve.

I.L. Knight

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Mr. Greed – John Fogerty

I’m Back (Ish) :

Hi HI Y’all,

I guess I’m starting to step back into what I was doing and aiming to do. My medications were out for over two week and that plus school/family stress turned into an ugly pool of suffering. I mean I basically had my phone off as much as possible and tried to sleep through it as much as possible. BUT, my new medication refill has arrived and the dim light has returned at the end of the tunnel. I am reminded that I have wonderful and caring people in my life. I am reminded that everyone, including me, has a potential and the ability to grow. I am reminded that I too am alive and moving slowly towards a goal. That being said I was wondering what to do or talk about since rejoining the living and breathing society… I decided on D&D.

If you follow anything of mine I am pretty sure you know I love the games- D&D in particular. I was wondering if one day in the future I would add some sort of page with related content on it or have a cool podcast of the sort with it. However, I can’t just start that and jump into it/. Instead, I’d like to just introduce some of the characters I’ve used lately (some of their images and who drew them will be on my Instagram if you wish to see).

Current Main: Glasha – 1/2 Orc Druid with a Pet Spider named Muk

Recent One Shot: Paisley – Gnome Sorcerer that takes a bit of everything and is chaotic evil(ish)

Soon To Be 2nd Campaign Of The Season: Tecumseh – Feral High Elf Ranger with a pet Panther named Pandaros

Hardest Play: Mercy a.k.a Sheriff – a Tiefling warlock with a pair of twin pistols and a bounty on her head

The Begrudgingly Non-Magic Character: Layla Alyndra Van Morgoon – an Aasimar descendant noble fighter

The One Time Only: Zale – the Aarkocra Bard that couldn’t fly because flight rules get annoying…and so was role playing a bard

The Genderbend: Aurwun Kinstalked – the fallen aasimar monk with a sketchy past and a loner disposition

As you can see, I prefer playing non-humans and things with magic. Mostly because HELLO, IN FANTASY WE CAN FINALLY HAVE THIS! Also, I love to play Chaotic Neutral and Lawful Good annoys the SHITE out of me.

However, you can play whatever you want in D&D. That’s part of the beauty of it. If you are a seasoned player or someone interested in learning you can always hit me up here or on Twitter about playing a game. Seriously, I pretty much will always have time for D&D. It heals the soul.

OH, also…I updated the RWBY Fan Fic page. I promise to actually return, fix up and add to some of the older Fan Fiction. It isn’t fair for me to keep all of it trapped in my own head.

I.L. Knight

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Dnd Beyond Official Theme

On Chronic Illness & Bipolar :

Hi Hi Y’all,

I felt like there was something important for me to mention, bring up. What it’s like when you have both a reoccurring physical illness and mental health problems (which most of us have some form of a combination of the two). In my case, I also have to be responsible for being bipolar- or more correctly labeled manic-depressive.

If you don’t know what that means, the best way I know how to sum it up as a picture is imagining a person that hops from happiness/joy/concentration to lows of sadness/anxiety/inabilities. This varies in how extreme and on which side one person favors. For me, I’ve always had longer and much more reoccurring bouts of depression. It’s something I had been ashamed about for a really long time. I was taught not to talk about it and not need anything for it. If I did take something for it, it was only supposed to be a temporary secret. There was shame involved.

I guess what I’m here to talk about is what happens when that shame mixes with all the feelings of a chronic illness? A lot of time it has interesting side effects or results from how my body is physical responding. For instance, yesterday I had really bad brain fog and physical pain. However, in that state I was in a neutral auto-pilot. I couldn’t remember what I was stressing about or concerned about. If I did the emotional attachment wasn’t connected to it anymore.

Today, the experience is completely different. My brain hasn’t cleared up and told me everything I missed, but it turned all of the emotions to sadness. I feel sick, don’t want to move, don’t want to eat and live in my room alone. If I could block out the entire world and die alone in loneliness I think today I would except that. Today in all my sadness I wonder if I should just take the easy way out. I can’t imagine my feelings changing tomorrow or another day, even if they often do. It’s just a new cloud. The next day of weight and responsibility on my shoulders.

Today, I admit I am sad. All day I have been suppressing tears. I haven’t found a reason to leave my room besides morning coffee…. I haven’t remembered how I can do what I want to find inspiration to live.

I just remember my loneliness and pain. All the bad in the world that’s ever happened to me is circulating around my room as a cinematic mirage of torture. It reminds me that comparative to others I have lived a miserable life. It doesn’t let me realize that there is good, that there is hope, or there are people worth it in my life.

Depression sinks its claws into me and I am dragged down into an abyss.

Today, I don’t want

To wear a mask so bright.

There is nothing worth

That stress of fitting in.

The air is heavy

All around me

And stale.

All the lights dim

As if poorly lit industrial.

Tears stay trapped inside

An empty feeling shell.

Yet, it is stuffed to the brim

Of all the colors of sadness.

Like a story,

I fall into the abyss.

I.L. Knight

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Lonely – Jonghyun

Cold & Updates :

Hi Hi Y’all…

*cough cough*

Yea, I have been sick lately. The worst cold EVER. My voice has been up and down and my ability to function seems to fluctuate. BUT, I have pushed through to use all my energy to finish some content.

So, here we go with the updated Fan Fiction:

American Horror Story

Harry Potter

Star Trek

Maou-sama no Machizukuri! ~Saikyou no Danjon wa Kindai Toshi~

NEWLY ADDED:

1/2 Prince

That’s all for now. I promise to try and return to the outside world as soon as possible.

Oh, actually, also I made a practice bullet journal. People seem to really say it helps with organization so let’s make a practice one to see if it helps…

I.L. Knight

P.S, does anyone know how to add previous/next page options on here?

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Sing Me A Love Song – 1/2 Prince

The Grind :

Hi Hi Y’all,

I think I’ve met another situation where appreciation doesn’t equal the true understanding of emotional strength in a situation until one’s been in it before: the grind.

I grew up in a middle class family with typical crazy ass middle class problems. My biggest worries were always emotional and based on social dynamics. It’s the sort of crazy that seems particularly less of a problem for those of lower economic status. Where, food, shelter and education tend to be the more prominent concerns. I’m not going to sit here and lie and say I’m approaching that line. Mostly due to fear of a verbal smack down from a friend the first time my thoughts started to head in that direction.

What I will tell you is that for the first time I really am participating in needing to grind through to maintain a semblance of your former economic status.

Let me explain:

(1) Many people know the roots of many of my issues stem from family. This will not ever change. However, there is a way to relieve some of the stress in its most basic attachment, money dependency. If you cut strings that hold you dependent you can find room to breathe. The thought alone is nice, but it isn’t an immediate practical step for the majority kids in my possession. We were never taught to work, budget, or accept basic life style choices others have had to make.

(2) This is were the transition phase starts. Research on what you are exactly dependent on begins. Calculations are made and beautiful word documents created to try and summarize your life by numbers. From there you look at that scary truth and start to try and formulate a plan to afford to pay them. You get your first proper part time job. You start side hustles or free lance work here and there to get the few extra bits of cash. You even maybe get more than one credit card so you can do a new form of balancing act.

(3) Now, we’ve arrived at stage three. You’ve been really at this for awhile. You can sort of do the routine, but it isn’t perfect yet. Your life has become multiple part time jobs/freelancing, school and work comes first mentality, some of your old enjoyments are overpriced unnecessary goods and your new tittle has become minimum payment queen. Your natural 700s credit score is in the 600s because of choices you made to learn how to be an adult… Stage 3.

(4) This is what I mean when I say I am more than just appreciative towards those who are in the grind, because I am now in one as well. It doesn’t matter that my voice is cracked as hell, that my school assigned me a shit ton of work, that I wanted to write a book, or that I wanted to spend more time on myself. If it doesn’t fit in with the flow of the grind of the week it doesn’t fit in. It’s a no.

Yes, I am luckier than most. Yes, I probably shouldn’t ever say I have to live this life when I have people who will be there to catch me when I fall. HOWEVER, what I can say is that I am living a life that makes me my own person. I am living the life an adult. These tough decisions and annoying thought processes are now on my shoulders.

Living your life independent of attachments to others or of your own insecurities is a challenge. I think it is important to take a moment to realize all that you are doing to achieve the goal. You have to admit sometimes it sucks, your tired and you don’t want to do it. Then you need to be proud of yourself for still showing up for the fight.

That’s the grind…

Getting up over and over again.

Ain’t going to let anything stop me from standing up in the morning.

I.L. Knight

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Working Man Blues – Merle Haggard

Blog UPDATE(S) MAJOR

Hi Hi Y’all!

I know it seems as if I have done an almost complete black out the last two days with social media and contact with the outside world. I promise I wasn’t for once. I got scheduled to work every day this week (except one day) from 5pm to 12am. I also started school and set up my OSD stuff and health regimen. Essentially, I was busy and tired as hell.

BUT…. BUT BUT… I wasn’t abandoning you guys. OH NO. I have pushed through to pump out major Fan Fiction updates. I mean MAJOR.

AHS is now up to 24 chapters!

Star Trek is up to 46!

HP is about to 41!

AND THIS WEEKEND THERE WILL BE MASSIVE WEB NOVEL/MORE FAN FICTION UPDATES.

Also, if I have time I plan to FINALLY fix my patreon. I plan to add scheduled early release access, in depth looks at the draft process and possibly videos or google hangouts.

Lastly, I will be releasing new illustrations for as many as my works as possible!

OH SHIT WAIT. TIME TO PLUG~

Down below is the link for my debut web novel (novella) A Tale Of Shadow & Light. It is book one of a Dark (what I refer as actually realistic) high fantasy called Chronicles.

Please check it out!

I.L. Knight

A Tale Of Shadow & Light

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Volume 1 H x E 

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Out in early February

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High Hopes – Panic! At The Disco

Fan Fiction Updates :

Hi Hi Y’all!

We have massive flood of Fan Fiction updates for you~~~

First off we have our first Harry Potter RP updated to 39 chapters!

Our American Horror Story has reached 20 chapters!

AND our final one is the addition of Star Trek! 12 Chapters!!!

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Expression Through Bad Poetry:

Hi Hi Y’all…

Returning home is always a tough battle for me, so I think I need to express my feelings through some pretty bad poetry. It is an example of some of the longer more thought provoking poetry in one of the next works I’m editing: Confessions Of A Teenage Poet. Don’t worry though, the book is a mix bag of dark, humorous and some just plain silly.

My Mother Is Abusive

My mother is abusive-

it’s not her fault.

She never intended to be-

Life just had environments

And Conditions.

My mother reminds me of pain-

And shame, rejection and rage.

She never intended to-

That I’m sure of,

But that’s how it’s been.

My mother doesn’t see-

I think we live in two realities.

She never meant to say the words,

But natural reactions come out

And the damage is done.

My mother once walked in-

On me being molested.

She never asked me what happened,

What was happening,

But she asked them.

It was natural

For me to be the ‘wrong’.

She intended to say

I was shameful

And embarrassing for her.

When I told my mom

About the rapes

The first response was-

“It’s not my fault.”

“You never said anything.”

When my health declined

And I had to learn

How to be disabled

I was over dramatic and excuseful.

Her pain was real.

When I gained weight

I was truly failed.

She wanted me to feel shame

For not being what the world ‘intended’

Or what she did.

My  mother often says

That growing up

Means changing everything

About me and what I want.

I mourn in silence.

I don’t think

Se’s a bad person.

I think she has so much

Love in her heart.

But it’s a heavy pain.

My mother is abusive-

Because she has helped

Me form these scars.

I Love You, Mom.

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Alyssa Lies – Jason Michael Carroll

 

A Hard Decision To Make :

Hi Hi Y’all…

Recently I’ve had to make a hard choice. I don’t know if it is something that would be difficult for you, but it is definitely a big step for anyone.

Not many people know this but I have been saving the little money I earned from birthdays and holidays since I was a child. I sort of kind of from a family that taught a kid what an IRA was before basic morality… Actually, I’m pretty sure we’ve never actually had the what does it mean to be a good person talk… We did have money saving, education and stock talks though. The money I had saved was divided into three areas of saving: (1) personal cash savings, (2) savings for future family use and (3) stock.

When I turned 20 I got in a huge fight with my grandfather. He was the one in charge of the money put away for me from my family. The result of our fight was him deciding to let go of control and hand it all over. At the time I was panicking, because I had no idea how to responsible for such a sum of money and for money that was for this future of mine.

Two years later and I know that I am firstly thankful that we did have those sort of conversations in my family. I had a rough plan, I knew how to buy stock, to put limits on my own account and make sure I had an account. But I have also reached a point where this money and this future it is for is now a grey area. I have to help pay for University. Working part time when I can doesn’t do as much as we would wish. I have to be able to pay for as much as I can for myself. I am now in my twenties, with a bad relationship with my family at times, with little capability of being independent and bills to pay.

I had to sell some of the stock for the first time in my life to help cover those bases. I guess to a lot of people that may sound silly of a confliction. But, respectfully, I don’t think you then understand what that means.

I had to touch on something that was a result of the one big epic talk of my childhood. I had to touch the hard work and effort to stay in a reality that I don’t even like half the time. It felt as if I had to stain something black to cover up things. And yea I know it was a proper adult decision…that’s what savings are for… but still I couldn’t help but hover over the sell option.

There was this deep pain in my chest. Like I was losing something. Like the effort I put into it no longer mattered. That’s when I remembered that I had to suddenly go from spoiled to an adult not because of my own choice, but because it was sink or swim…Which, felt even crappier.

But anyways… I sold some. I paid my bills like a responsible adult and I tell myself  I’ll get over that feeling. Because if I hadn’t known to save up all of this time the money wouldn’t of been there in the first place.

I.L. Knight

P.s. OG artwork by xSkyfishx has been updated on the Sabrina Fan Fiction. Catnip and her brother Thorn looking perfectly creepy.

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Time – Pink Floyd