The Start of Making Things Official :

I’ve been meaning to start making a proper blog for awhile. Now, that everything around me is so busy and I have so many other things to accomplish I find the motivation to escape with this project. I have attempted to make blogs before, but they either come out not to my liking or my concentration issues make it impossible to keep updating…This time I have hopes it will be different.

This time, I’m fighting for my dreams :p

I.L. Knight

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UP – Epik High (Ft. Bom)

I Almost Died Again… :

Hi Hi Y’all~

So GUESS WHAT? I almost died again! Maybe… I could of just been badly injured…. ANYWAYSSERIOUSLY I CAN’T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED.

I live in a business and bank district so even in the winter time I’m expecting to have at least some streets salted and regular winter codes of conduct followed. BUT NO.

There in a moment someone didn’t follow the established rules AND started to push snow and ice off the roof a pretty large building.

BY  SOME MIRACLE, or some weird sixth sense I never knew I had, my feet stopped moving all of a sudden AND RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME a giant block of ice exploded on the ground.

The piece of ice was larger than my fat cat and if my feet hadn’t stopped all of a sudden it would of no doubt landed straight down on my head.

I’m not going to say I had an Oh My God Life is precious and I need to to suddenly be pro life and motivational speeches moment…. But I have certainly have done in a recheck.

Everything has been pretty good and happy for the last few weeks for me. It’s been like getting back on the right track and picking up speed in the right direction again. AND THEN THIS!?

I don’t know how to take it. I’m not a super religious person or a completely nonreligious person so it’s not like there’s a book that tells me how to take the event in a specific way. So I’m just going to take a moment and pick a meaning… I guess?

For me, I think I’ll take this as a grace or blessing or a reminder that even in happy times I have to keep to a schedule. This way I won’t continue my trend of getting complacent and forgetting to do the steps that let me be happy in the first place.

Mhm. That’s the reaction and lesson I’m taking from this experience.

Anyways, Can you believe I almost died again? 

I’m only 23, y’all.

I.L. Knight

P.s. I couldn’t help screaming ‘Holy Shit’ in the moment~

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If I Die Young – The Band Perry

#FFF Day :

Hi Hi Y’all~

If yesterday’s post wasn’t enough to let you know what’s updating today here it is! STAR TREK. That’s right! THREE NEW CHAPTERS of the Fan Fiction/ RP favorite made by JJHW & Myself~

104

105

106

I Hope Y’all Enjoy And Live Long & Prosper~

I.L. Knight

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Why Things Never Seem To Stay On Track With My Mother :

Let me say this, I love my mom. And I’ll say that as many times as I need to so it could be understood.

HOWEVER

Our relationship is always this up and down roller coaster I’d rather not have chosen for myself.

The problem is it always feels like I am giving 80% of the effort to adjust or change a behavior to make the other person happy. That’s why all those good intentions and feelings she have always fall short. Especially, when I was younger.

Things have been better between us the last year and I honestly think it is because I have done a lot of growing up on my own over the last few years. Growing out of the childhood phase and into a more adulthood one means I’ve developed better control over how I process and unleash my feelings on her.

But something she said tonight is just one of those clear triggers that can undo years of progress: you may have to give up school for a year.

I had to say goodbye immediately out of not knowing what I would say. Because I have worked SO HARD to be where I am in life. SO FUCKING HARD. And I’m not going to even go into to it here because I don’t even know how to.

BUT I HAVE TO AT LEAST SAY WHAT WAS SAID TO SOMEONE IN SOME FORUM. 

Because I am so scared of bottling these feelings inside me when I am still off my medication. I am so scared that these words came at a time when I am using all of my will power to remind myself how hard I’ve worked to get to where I am and how happy and proud of myself I should be.

It’s so hard for me to recognize that I am a person who wants to be alive because they can live for things sometimes and this is just comes rolling off a tongue so easily. Without even a consideration to the effort I put in to just waking up and not thinking it’s okay if I die today.

I love my mom but I also have times I really fucking hate her.

I.L. Knight

[ Confessions of a Teenage Poet ]

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Alyssa Lies _ Emily Osment

#FFF Day :

Hi Hi Y’all,

This week’s Fan Fiction Friday [ #FFF ] is none other then BLEACH.

Since new art was coming from the fabulous SD09 I had to update at lease 2 chapters:

Squad 11 : The Komori Servant 一

Squad 11 : The Komori Servant 二

They are both short conversation based chapters but they are important for the upcoming story! SO please enjoy them.

I.L. Knight

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Bleach: Brave Souls New Opening

 

Picard & FFF :

Hi HI Y’all~

Starting in January Captain Picard will once again be gracing our screens. Considering it is around the time my co-writer JJHW [ access to her site here] and I are picking back up our RP(s) at a more timely schedule it seems likely that our Star Trek series will gain more inquiries.

This is due to the series working off of our own custom Timeline and/or parallel universe.

I think I’m going to take a brief chance to explain some of the big things about the current timeline for the series. Especially, since renewed interest in Picard would mean more attention to the Star Trek Universe  itself.

First off, our series begins in the late 2100’s and early 2200’s: after Enterprise but before the original series. This is the time period where The Federation has finally started to shift from it’s beginning phases to appear as a united organization within the galaxy. Essentially, no jumpsuits and proper uniforms.

You’ll see a lot of the drama in the series relating to the fact of the remaining issues from the beginning of the Federation and it’s relationship with the planet Earth; while, also highlighting more of the issues between the species within the Federation and those engaging with it.

The new Picard series is much later in the future. Where there has been established relationships between many species and many trials undergone together. Thus, you’ll see the politics between the characters will be different.

Another big point within the universe we made is that is defines itself by having earlier contact with the Gamma Quadrant and Delta Quadrant. In the original universe (and others like Kelvin or Terran Empire) during this time period most contact was within the Alpha and Beta Quadrant. Interest and tests for the Gamma Quadrant and Delta Quadrant had really just started. This has set a huge change in that the Federation (and those in the Alpha-Beta Quadrant) having been introduced to more species, politics and powers earlier in the time line.

Specific details on how this happened do come out within the series later on. However, for some understanding for Star Trek Maesters I’ll sum it up briefly.

It was decided to have this change in the “normal” universe happen due to an accident with an exploratory vessel. It was launched/sent into the unknown Delta Quadrant. Over the years of breaking the established rules of no contact with pre-warp capable planets the crew members were able to create almost a junkyard looking station for themselves (based on taken resources). Many years passed but after certain events (we’ll get to later) contact was established back with those in the home quadrant and a combination of exploratory vessels were able to map a long slow path back.

This path meant direct engagement with the Romulan Star Empire and the Klingon Empire, which stood in the way of return. Due to the desire of expansion into the Delra Quadrant by the two empires skirmishes and tense agreements had been made. Essentially, the Klingon’s had a shoot on site policy with any foreign vessel within their territory but approved a very strict and small path through the Quadrant. The Romulan Star Empire became more aggressive towards the resources of the new planets and after many events formed an “alliance” of sorts, based on trade, with the young Federation. This allows them to use the established path to seek out “Trade” and “Contact” with those in the Delta Quadrant. In return, they have a warn first policy on accidental entrance into Romulan space and an Ambassador sent to the Federation.

As for any influence from the Borg it hasn’t been revealed yet within this timeline. It is instead felt within the Quadrant as if just a bit further lurks an intimidating danger. You may see within the series hints at Borg influences but nothing more.

Switching over to the Gamma Quadrant it has an even less built relationship with the species of the Alpha and Beta Quadrant. Introduction to the Cardassians has taken forefront very early. This has made exploration and understanding of other planets/species very difficult. There is an agreed upon route Federation ONLY vessels may take, however, their safety in dealing with a Cardassian Vessel is always up to fate. The Cardassian’s have sent an Ambassador that is only present for the big meetings. Unlike the Romulans they do not have a trade deal or any sort of relationship with the Federation outside of agreed upon routes.

There will definitely be hints at the Dominion for Star Trek fans but they are not part of the story what so ever.

Knowing these two things I think it is best to see this Star Trek series of ours as more of the politics within such a young Federation. How it affects and changes the Earth is a big part of it. As well as, how do all of these species adjust to working with each other and finding their places in this large organization that has been created.

Not everyone is happy with how quickly the universe got bigger and many people just want to profit over it.

That’s our Star Trek series. I hope you enjoy the characters JJHW and I wrote. The story is a Fan Fiction but it is also sort of an ode to a universe that became such a big part of our lives.

I’ll even swallow down any feelings about ships you may have. 😉

NEW CHAPTERS HERE : [ 100 –  101102103 ]

I.L. Knight

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Star Trek: Picard Premiers January 23

Reaching Out :

Hi Hi Y’all,

I got to say it’s a weird feeling when you don’t have hope towards something but receiving a normal action still somehow gives you that feeling of disappointment.

My family has no idea how bad I recently got and I wasn’t planning on telling them. However, I was just in the mood today were I needed to talk. That’s all.

But as usual the second I called my mom all I heard was her problems. Her dissatisfaction with the rest of the family and what went wrong with her day.

I mean it’s not something that’s a big deal or should be. It just feels systematic I guess? Heavy on my shoulders and back.

Physically, I can feel my spine collapsing even more into me and myself hunching over. In all of these cases, never once has she ever asked how I am. Even if I texted her before something like ‘I want to go home.’

I’m not … or was expecting anything, but I don’t know why there’s still a part of me that feels that hurt every time. A small voice that always seems to sigh out,

“What about me?”

I.L. Knight

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Somewhere I Belong – Linkin Park

Common Traits With Mental Patients :

Hi Hi Y’all~

Do you know it is common behavior for those in/out of mental health facilities to have developed habits of organization or habitual scheduling (At least those are my current words to describe it at the moment)?

I always saw it as an attempt to keep order and control within the chaos of feelings and emotions.

I don’t know if I ‘m right. I am by no means and expert or consulted one about it.

I can tell you that if this is true than I’m doing something similar to them.

I’m looking for order and control.

Since I will be off my mental health medication for an even longer amount of time I have to use the spur of clarity to form direction and purpose. In a controlled manner.

I have decided to focus on my site and the small projects I had on the side lines in order to help me stay organized until I can get back on medication. That means….

IT’S GOING TO BE AN UPDATE BANZAI FOR 2 MONTHS~

Look forward to it y’all! All those little tiny side projects and cute things that could make everything better has been pushed to the front of my agenda !

Hope you enjoy them all,

I.L. Knight

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Work From Home – Fifth Harmony

 

What’s Been Going On :

NANO OR NOT TO NANO,

Here’s the thing. I SUCK at National November Writing Month. There is always something that falls short about it when it comes to me enacting it.  That’s why I start this recollection here at this point:

NANO WRI MO IS NEVER GOING TO BE FOR ME.

I’m not saying I blame some national celebrated nerd movement for my issues but I am saying that I respect the pattern and will do something else with my Novembers from now on.

Unlike November, October is my jam. It is the month of months for some great reasons. (1) Because it is Halloween (spooky) month you can pretty much get away with wearing whatever you want. The closer to Halloween the weirder and bolder you can get. That makes October the perfect month for being bold, confident and personal style challenges.

I spent the entire 31 days actively getting dressed in fashionable outfits. That’s actually a pretty huge deal for me. Loving fashion and dress up was a part of me I liked to keep squashed down and actively used tools like procrastination, body image issues and anxiety to not try the things I wanted to try. However, with the excuse of October this year I got passed that and actually took time to do more than just wear clothing that would look okay.

You may have also noticed me FINALLY wearing beautiful color coordinated lipstick to each outfit every day.

(2) It is normally the beginning and center of Fall for winter countries. That means cool weather, changes in scenery and the switch to my favorite style of clothes (and life).

That’s right. Fall attire, food, culture, weather. That is everything.  I may not be a Pumpkin Spice Latte fan by the idea of that, some sweater weather and writing underneath different shades of leaves is ideal for any mood.

(3) Halloween. It’s obvious ain’t it? I mean the second best and most exciting holiday exists in this month? Tricking people, dressing up, acting like a child with no social pressure about it is just bloody fucking fantastic.

I can assure you all that I normally do not disappoint the holiday. Seriously, any and all hangups, fears, anxieties or thoughts I have are pushed away. There is only the nerdy joy of history to the holiday, the deviousness of having fun at the expense of others comfort and feeling the unusual comfort of just letting go of my safety space to be a part of everything around me.

But, since this isn’t the podcast I planned to be released about my 31 Day October Happiness Challenge but an explanation I will end my scene setting here to switch to the more negative reality: November 2019.

This shift from Joy to where I am all began the last week of October. I had just finished hanging out with new friends- helping them get first tattoos and doing escape rooms- when I felt worse than normal. A worse that wasn’t the same as my flare ups worse. A new and painful worst.

I should of known that a new worst should of been immediately looked at. I had gone through enough stuff in these last few years to know that new + worst = a new worse problem. However, I was so happy being a part of the world again I indulged in one of my personal bad vices- ignoring the problems.

Well, I can say I have been reminded why we fail when we no longer put ourselves first.

Montreal had to move Halloween because of ‘weather’ and I had to move away from all my progress because of me.

[Yea, for the first time in my life in years I did nothing for Halloween, not even dress up. ]

In a matter of days I went from just being more sore, stiff and tired (and sad) than normal to being where I am now.

Health Wise?

Let’s say I now have been told until more blood work, scans and etc. come back that I have irritable bowel syndrome and/or one of the other auto immune diseases I have the genes for.

This means that I have had no energy for a month- so no leaving my house. My entire body has been bloated, inflamed and sore. My movement was so bad for two weeks I was surprised I could stand at all.

The small bit of weight that I fought 6 months to lose was gained back and then some….

And the medication I had to take to deal with this mean getting off my mental health meds. I have not been on my anti anxiety or anti depression meds in 4 weeks. It has been felt more than anything else.

You see, the joys of 31 Day October Happiness Challenge or not, I could handle having more body issues again. That alone I had prepared for.

It is when I lose my mind that this all happens. 4 weeks without them has turned me into a completely different person. I do not sleep for a few days in a row and then sleep for 20+ hours. I cannot maintain a thought without getting distracted or turning it into a negative. I cannot feel how much time is going by or how many days it’s been. I cannot control my anger and rage at the world. I cannot stop shaking or have trouble reading or understanding things.

Worse of all, I cannot stop returning to the place where I remember how much I wish I could just die. It consistently pops into my head as a mocking voice.

Die.Die.Die.Die…. Everything would be easier if you would just die…. There’s a pretty nice wall there. You can slam your head through it. Montreal metro has no rails… it’s so easy to just take a step…You are a failure….You’re a disgrace… a burden… there really is no reason left for you to be alive…

I don’t know how many people know what that’s like. To have a voice in your head. To go from someone put together and in control to someone who can’t process things but can somehow still process an evil whisper.

It’s been 4 weeks of me not even realizing it has been 4 weeks. I have gained weight and hated myself so much more than in forever. I have allowed family comments to bother me again and reinforce how much the evil whispers say to end it all.

I am sitting here in a cafe waiting for new retainers writing this and wondering really why I stop myself from ending it all? I know it isn’t for any good reason other than fear.

Fear that doesn’t even make sense to me: like I can’t die til I people read my stories but I’m too sad to write stories sort of fears. OR fears on how messy it would all be and I’m not about that. AND fears of the pointlessness of suicide anyways.

I am not well. That at least I can admit. And I HAVE TO ADMIT.

Because besides me getting to a place were I am well and in control it is important for others to know that it is okay to not be well.

That’s why after this month I am saying at least this much out in the open. That I wanted to die. That there will probably always be times were these ideas come back and I struggle to not want to punch the shit out of anyone who annoys me. But, hey, in a way that is okay.

Slowly, I am coming back. My body is readjusting to life now and in a few days when I get my meds back (which let’s be really is what I really need) everything will slowly start to be okay again.

I’ll process the things I read, find happiness in the little things, find a moment where I like how I look and maybe even want to write the wonders I imagine again.

Slowly I am coming back. I hope I explained it all okay?

Just going to end it with a warning for anyone on any medication:

Consult with your doctors before changing your medication. It is best to plan as much as possible before you do anything. There is ALWAYS an effect on the body and that means you may want to make sure you are in a time period where it is okay if something happens.

I.L. Knight

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HELP – Papa Roach