An Update

I know at times I tend to be a little much. It doesn’t escape me that behind and in front of my backs I am known to be intense at times. I always want to apologize for that. I want to learn how to be in the middle. Being too up or down isn’t good for social relationships. And that’s the final aim right? To be able to be and comfortable with people…Not only comfortable with people, but comfortable with the ups and downs of a week. 
This week was definitely full of ups and downs. There was the big downs of hell and the unexpected ups that got me through the week. I’m going to start with the downs, because I really want to end on a more positive note. I think it’s good to remind yourself that things will eventually turn towards a positive end and ride on a that wave for awhile.
The first disaster of the week was over my family not liking my choice of halloween costume. Silly, I know. But somehow my choice of going as skeleton shooter Tate, from American Horror Story, got misinterpreted as me being a psychopath and not being competent to take care of myself or live on my own. It led to my mother telling me she was gonna call my college and my grandmother freaking out that she should come up and check in on me. It was not a pleasant experience. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t cry. No one enjoys being labeled a psychopath (which I am not..).
The second issue was being called in for a vote on wether or not I was fired from a job I was already fired from (UNFAIRLY I MIGHT ADD). Apparently they hadn’t gone about it constitutionally and needed to vote on it. It was all really just for show and by the end of it I felt roasted and presented in a horrible light. The third thing was a result of these two things. It was my first ever panic attack. One that hit hard and fast. I barely even remember it. What I do remember is my roommate finding me in the dark on the floor of our house, curled up in a ball and listening to some country music. I had no idea how long I had been there. My next memory is when I woke up the next day and in my bed, with the cuts on my arm. It was my roommate who told me what I did. I remembered doing them later on in the week. I’m not too worried about it though…I don’t think it will happen again. I have many overly angsty vices and issues, but this is not one of mine. I am more worried about not remembering doing it and what led me to doing it at all. 
Now, for the positives.The first one is going to seem a little weird. My close friend is checking on me through my blog. Not out of worry, just because I am really bad at long distance communication. And to be honest, it makes me feel good. Flattered, almost. It shows my friend cares about me, even though I suck at communicating with her. Plus, I can use it to check out her own hidden blog . It’s pretty good blog, even if she totally tells everyone about checking on me! The second good thing was being able to get some studying down! Thank Jesus and Hallelujah! It’s been forever since I’ve been able to get decent studying done. This was just what the doctor ordered for me. The last was a combination of three days of good sleep and forcing myself to enjoy going out with friends. It really helped pour gold into the cracks of my shell. 
All in all, at the end of this I feel more determined to try and continue to do things I don’t normally like to do and continue working on myself. Not everything in life needs to be about the bad that goes on. Sometimes, I can be present in all the little acts of good.
I.L. Knight

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