My pulse is racing; my chest is constraining and all I can feel is the numb of a raging storm. This is what a panic attack feels like this. This is what it feels like to be overwhelmed by one’s anxiety. I am slipping so fast past the line I teetered on for ages. I have left myself alone without someone able to bring me back from the edge of Insanity. The childhood fear of the madness consuming, the loosing control over my own fears and thoughts, a clear warning bell in the background of my silent cries. I am in many words a part of the madness.
Not only am I part of the madness, I am questioning wether I was ever able to avoid the madness at all. Is there just some fates we can never avoid no matter how hard we protest to the G-ds that we are not capable of handling them. Maybe I never was able to handle the madness born within me. Maybe I am not meant to be able to cope with y depression, anxiety and ADHD. This panic attack may just be the sign of my decent into a more clear sign of madness.
If that is the case then no amount of struggling for good test results, forcing myself to go out with people, or campaigning to a part of my college campus is worth anything in the end. Although, even if it was I would not see it. I am both blind in the literal sense and the emotional sense. Nothing is meant for me but to reveal in the pain of never achieving a simple wish of being ordinary on every account.
The worst part of it all is the slow degradation of my writing skills. The one thing that saved me was books and words. Now, I can’t even do this well. I am just resigned to walking numbly through life with a head lit up in flames, a heart iced over in fear and shame for not being someone worth caring about.
Can I even write anything decent anymore? Could I ever? Does anyone even really care about my pain? Am I really going to lose my grip on reality?]