Alright. So I never fully intended on having an article that summed up all the cons and struggles of suddenly being sick in a way that people can’t see from the outside. I was fully intent on leaving that out in the grey filled imaginary space of my “future-podcast”. However, a damn anime I knew about ages ago pulled on my heart strings. The anime is called Jikan No Shihaisha (Chronos Ruler). One of the characters in the anime suffers from a form of continuous memory loss due to the ‘losing of personal time’. At the end of the anime the conclusion of the arc results in the main character hearing his mother say: “Thank you for being born. I’m glad I got to be your mom.” I know that’s completely not a Western sentiment, so it’s something that could never naturally be said. But…. Even still, I wish I could hear something like that. I wonder how many problems could disappear when feeling your mom whole heartedly say something like that. The best I ever got was the consolation prize post insult of: “I guess you turned out pretty well…You weren’t what I wanted or hoped for, but you aren’t really a bad person.” I wonder. I wonder if my parents are actually thankful for me being born, or are they just thankful they didn’t end up with something else?
I mean, I’ve never even met my father. I say father, because due to a cheesy pillow my grandfather had on his large sofa chair as a child there is a clear distinction between Dad and father. The later being only the tittle for the inseminator. He was only married to my mom for around a year and they were young at the time. From what I hear he wasn’t even with my mom during the delivery. He was at McDonalds. So, I don’t think he’d ever qualify for something like being thankful for my birth.
And my mom? Well, I don’t really know how to feel about my mom most of the time. There’s a lost of hurt and sadness, sure. There is also a shit ton of rage and dissatisfaction. We definitely have more problems then any one child parent relationship should have… But, if she said something like that I don’t know if I would even feel it. I have to think the words would just feel empty. I mean, it would be like telling someone to say words they themselves don’t mean really.
So I guess what I’m trying to say is, I want something I can never have. Because even if it is said, it isn’t really real. It’s like an elusive shadow I’m chasing as some sort of validation that at least one of my parents or someone wanted the me that I am.
It’s not like I can look to my grandparents for that. They see what I can become, but something like that isn’t really what you are. If all people see is the what ifs, the hows it going and the where have you beens you don’t really see ‘WHO’ in the picture. Do you?
I mean seriously look at the relationship in Jikan No Shihaisha. Even the MC’s son is giving his whole life to find a way to save his father’s memories. And they have a strained relationship at times! Hell, if it was my family the answer would be to ignore medication, pick yourself up by the bootstraps and find a better job to afford more things for yourself. I don’t think anyone of us could that for another member of our family…
It’s like chasing that shadow reveals another kind of sickness people can have. I don’t know if it’s a longing or a feeling of remorse, but it’s something. Another type of darkness inside of you that eats away at you without anyone noticing a g-ddamn thing from how you seem on the outside.
A picture perfect sickness…