I think it is hard to admit for anyone that sometimes life just gets a little too much for us. Even me, who often seems to be complaining about that very thing, holds back a lot. The thing is… I’ve always had pride. A ton of it. So much of it it became the backbone of my resistance through the bad. I was proud in what I could do and what I could be. Then I lost all of that pride. I lost it to my self. To a body that wouldn’t and couldn’t do what I always took pride in doing. Yea, it’s hard to admit that it destroyed me. And I’m still not able to say anything other then I am trying to get it back.
I don’t know how to explain to people who haven’t experienced an auto-immune issue how much it could affect people. There is the insanity that comes from just trying to reach a diagnosis. Then the phase where ‘you are a hypochondriac or a complainer’. Then there’s the diagnosis were you are in so much pain you don’t really care about the tittle. Except when it comes to hashtags. Because, hashtags will bring to you the support others around you just can’t give. Then there is the struggle to be like okay it will take a few years for me to return to normal. Okay, getting my required drugs are basically impossible. Okay, I now have to study over and over again, because my brain can’t retain information the same. Okay, you aren’t getting out of bed for a few hours. Okay, cardio comes from moving from upstairs to downstairs for the day…. Everything is just o-k-a-y. Life in a permanent feeling state of okay is the biggest hell you can wish on someone. When life is just okay the only thing you really feel is not even your pain, but an universal pain of only feeling the passing of time.
So, yea I need to admit clearly that I for the first time feel defeated. Defeated, because there is no solution or victory. There is just a goal to be slightly more than okay. It fucking sucks. Watching the world around me move so fast in so many colors and feeling like you are in a slow motion black and white. The only colors popping up from a panic attack about returning to school.
How could you not panic though? You are coming back from a medical leave. Your body is not quite up to par. Your mind is especially no longer up to par for a high pressured academic environment. It’s winter in Canada. You have no friends you are close to or who care about your struggles in almost the entire continent. Your professors are severely disappointed with you for not being more ‘communicative’ during your struggles over the past semester. Your parents wonder why they are even paying for University. You wonder if you can ever finish it and retain the semi ambitious nature you once had. You begin to feel trapped in the stress and fears of returning to such an environment that you spend some days shut down in a corner and other days so consumed in work to just try and prove to yourself you can still do this. When you have absolutely no belief that you can and that you are challenging yourself only to prove you won’t fail that bad. Oh, then there exists the constant struggle of you can basically only lose a pound a week, BUT HEY you can finally start taking off the weight your disease basically created. Oh yea. I need to be confident and proud in myself alright. Uber confident. Uber proud.
I mean. I just wish I could say fuck it all and be done with it, but I know I can’t. Life doesn’t work that way. It works with your body shutting down. Your family no longer having any faith in you. You making bad choices with the friends you have and you getting worked up over people who aren’t even your friends. Because the very sight of you doing bad is an act of joy for them. Even though even you wouldn’t wish this hell on someone else. Even people you once said you would enjoy sitting back with a cup of wine as you watched them burn in the flames of hell. You end up reevaluating your life a little bit. And you are basically an emotional mess with no idea how you can will yourself to change it.
I was trapped without being able to move the way I wanted, so I started a start up. It was great. It took my mind off of my pain and gave me something to focus on. Now, I have to do that and return to school. And for the first time in my life I can say, I no longer love school. I fear it. Something worse than a lions’ den is up there waiting for me. Something worse than the hell I feel like I am looping in everyday.
And I just fucking wish I wasn’t so lonely. Why can’t I not be lonely…..