I don’t really know how to describe all of this….Which is why I took a week to try and get there, or get to a place, where I can attempt it.
- Tired. Excited. Bored my lovely cheap flight on Air Canada back to Montreal.
- Sit in completely the wrong seat.
- Have the gentleman who was supposed to sit in my seat thankfully understand and while smiling take mine.
- Have a nice conversation with my seat mates about my awful French and play with the toddler who was in the seat behind. Even get thanked by parents.
- Land. Find out it is apparently -30. Smile smugly at those around me that I lugged an actual winter coat on the plane. But then cry when I carry my over packed and over weight backpack through the airport to baggage.
- Wait for baggage while being disappointed about a lack of wifi. Finally get wifi and find out my dearest friend finally came out. Shed tears of joy at the airport.
- Realize that the Hasidic man is staring annoyed at the crowd swarming around the baggage claim. Remembering that there is a huge population of Hasidic Jews in Montreal. And how they are mean to even other Jews.
- Somehow zone out and easily get to my apartment. A nervous apprehension washing over me as I watch the light snowflakes fall down around me as I enter the city limits of Montreal.
- Relief for the first time that something comes easily. My apartment issues were fixed. A non issues. I swiftly get into my apartment and my left over boxes found.
- Realize nothing is open for dinner. So you walk to Jean Coutu to be shocked one block in the cold is actually a not nice journey into the wilderness of hunting for food: Pizza Bagels and Reese’s chocolate bar.
- SOMEHOW stay on track and finish completely unpacking an organized room before bed.
January 2 :
- Maintain my 9:00 pm bedtime and 4:30 am wake up.
- Somehow, do a full routine of functional training.
- Take a hot bath with some Epsom Salt I was clever enough to pack into my boxes.
- Get an email from my well loved Professor that he is happy that I am back, but is unsure if he would want me in his class. As he doesn’t know if I can handle it, physically, and if he can help me through the class the way he thinks I need.
- Feel the apprehension return.
- Cry a little…. Alot.
- Report the news to all concerned parties and deal with the mostly negative lash back about deciding to challenge myself and finding acceptance by returning to Montreal.
- Facetime my Aunt to show her my room. Gain surprising encouragement…
- Go down stairs and arrange the final details I need to for my apartment.
- Do an insane amount of research on my computer about how to continue my business from abroad, how to get my mother to mail me up what I need in general, how to fix my phone issue and how I can find updates for shows I have not seen.
- Accomplish pretty much nothing.
January 3rd :
- Wake up at 8:30. Who knows when I went to bed. And only stretch lightly.
- The weather is super cold, so I promise myself to get organization of notes, and old books done perfectly to my standards.
- Watch way too many hours of different Real Housewives shows and basically accomplish nothing.
- Meet up with family friends/ family of the kids I babysit for a dinner. It was very expensive. They are extremely generous people. They even took us to a dessert place closer to me afterwards.
- Return home to take more hot baths with Epsom Salt.
- Come to terms with the fact I really need to go to the $$ store to pick up a new shower curtain, so I can shower. Get shampoo and definitely a shit ton of cleaning products so I can calm down.
- Call my mom.
- Ball up and cry a little more.
- Think I am stupid.
- Wonder what my life would be like if I perfectly dealt with all of these challenge, became a famous writer or entrepreneur and moved to Japan.
- Realize I don’t speak Japanese.
- Wonder if I would need to date to learn the language…. Figure out if I was to be creepily selective I would be like ‘yo. Taka. Hit me up. I like cats. You like cats. Let’s do this.”
- Fall asleep at 12:00 am for the first time in a month.
January 4th :
- Wake up at 8:00 am. Don’t stretch at all.
- Watch too much Housewives and Bravo Tv to try and wake up.
- Get a text about babysitting for a few hours.
- Rejoice at the excuse to not do my actual chores.
- Babysit. Have some struggles. But end it on a great note.
- Anxiety about being paid because you know. Not everything is about money. Sometimes you just help people out when they are in a town they don’t know, but you do. Take money anyways so they are comfortable.
- They go to a restaurant you recommended. Accidentally take the long way there. Feel crappy about it. Feel even crappier that the entire family professionally plays Pokemon GO even when walking to the restaurant and at the actual restaurant. Somehow get convinced to re-download Pokemon Go. Realize they are all Team Mystic. And you are #valor for life. Not because you want Moltres (Articuno baby~) BUT because the leader is so awesome and red is a great color.
- Eat more dessert in the form of a red velvet cake and a chocolate brownie warm melty creation.
- Try to walk home, but end up in there taxi.
- Collapse in your bed.
January 5th :
- Finally pay January’s rent.
- Walk to Tim Hortons for coffee. Good coffee. Basically, the best coffee.
- Grieve a little about the lack of Tim Hortons in your home town area. Because Dunkin Donuts is not a preferable establishment.
- Never leave the apartment for the rest of the day even though you have chores to do. It’s cold. There exists Bravo TV and old reunions you can watch. You can ‘attempt’ to do other chores.
- Somehow, don’t go to bed until 12:00pm.
- First day of slow buildup of sugar backlash/ generally enemy food for having an autoimmune disease.
- Oh. Spend a whopping 10 minutes at a get together that took you an hour to get too.
January 6th :
- Finally get my laundry card. Forget that you still need your mail key. You need to redirect your mail. You also need to tell them about the broken lamp in your room or else.
- Walk to Tim Hortons. Realize you were dying of cold, because somehow your zipper broke on route and your coat was completely open. Be embarrassed by not even noticing it for 5 blocks.
- Say you are going to be productive. So you generally are and finish organization of last bits.
- Get an email from you Guidance Counselor that she can’t see you during add/drop period anymore, because apparently they aren’t seeing anyone. Even though she knows you have serious health issues, were told by her to not sign up for any classes because she was going to help you choose the right classes for your major program and help you actually choose a minor…. Oh, but hey. I can get help from the program advisers within my faculty department even though they all hate me right now for being an awful student and leaving to take care of my health.
- Panic. Panic some more. GENERALLY BECOME CRIPPLED BY PANIC. Then cry. Then feel overwhelmed. Then become an intense recluse in a corner of your tiny one room apartment. Because you are a dumb failure who will never graduate or succeed. The disappointment. The generally just existing problem.
- Do not accomplish anything, but a psuedo confidence in yourself that you can do this. Earn back your faculty’s trust, fight through the obstacles with a determined attitude.
- Cry some more.
- Finally leave because a friend of yours, who you weren’t sure in the first place would be a healthy dependent for you at the moment, arrives and wants dinner.
- Struggle through the physical pain of the day to get to her place. Only to eat food you know you shouldn’t be eating. But hey you remembered to take your pills today. And had a good time watching the Good Place. I love you Kristin Bell.
- Be surprised you like her Chihuahua, because you generally hate them and they unnerve you.
- Get home at 11:07. Still be awake, even though you feel dead inside to attempt to write this blog post.
- Write this blog post.
I don’t know what I am doing. Am I chasing the fleeting remnants of my pride in some stubborn refusal to myself that I can’t yet be who I want to be, because I need to be in recovery? Am I running from my family again? Am I just trying to prove those who said bad things about me, about my struggles wrong? Live up to the belief of friends who have been there for me? Learn to love myself?
I am scared of this challenge. This necessity in my life. In the physical pain of the cold winter I used to love. Of the lack of support from the world around me. Of myself. Of failing….Of losing what is left of the pride and assurance I struggled to get back. Of failing.
It hurts. It hurts in my chest. In my bones. In my awkward crippled positions.