Exhausted :

Hi Hi Y’all,

I am completely and utterly exhausted. BUT. I have to push through for at least another 3 days…SO. Adding to the site today we have one chapter update for American Horror Story Fan Fiction:

Chapter 7

AAAAND… I have Part 1 of the updates for an orginal web novel series between Outremusings and myself, called H x E. There is now 21 chapters up!

H X E

Other news, I did one of those Buzzfeed thingies. I tried to go back to my past life and stuffs. So I asked myself (as instructed by the video) what have I brought with me, and this is what I saw:

The sight of tan bareless feet running….trees…I’m in a forest. I love the forest…It’s so beautiful….But I can’t think like that because I’m suddenly filled with worry…I’m fleeing from something…I can see my hands. There tan, rough. I think I’m Pacific Islander. Maybe South Asian…But my instinct says I’m Pacific Islander…. I can also feel smoke although I can’t see it….Just like how I can suddenly feel the ocean near me…I keep falling… I want to stop running…I’m exhausted…So exhausted… I just want it all to stop.. BUT..I know I can’t. I have to get where I’m going.I think I’m a screw up. That I’m not good at what I’m supposed to be good at. And now I know all these people depend on me getting there. And I hear the sound of someone crying, but I can’t see them. I didn’t know the pain could get worse…and as I run I see black start to cover my vision………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

I think I died. I don’t think I made it. I think I let down those people. Because suddenly I hear lots of cries, and know a fire is crawling towards me. That I’m about to become ashes and return to the earth…I know I never made it………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….And then I’m back in that world tree. The accumulation of all mes is a little girl with a bunny doll. And I watch her drop this tiny old fashioned bunny. I watch it fall from this tree and place that is dark and light all at the same time to empty space. Falling until somehow I can no longer see it. The words in a voice I can’t recognize linger in my head, ‘Let Go’.

Welp. That was my one fun introspective update of the week. Also, I got called a Kyke today in class. I won’t get into it, but… I haven’t been called a Kyke since I was seven and in such rural South you questioned  everything about yourself…Still processing that. But I know I’m feeling some sort of pain.

Also, to my friend Outremusings, my ride or die, I’m sorry I’ve been falling into old patterns and not being a good friend. There’s no excuse.

My goal was to stop myself from feeling so overwhelmed. It was to control my anxiety and be here in the present with the people that love me and the people I love. And you are most definitely on the top of that list.

I really just want to feel like I’ve become successful in any capacity…I want my service dog.

I.L. Knight

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Shalom Chaverim

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[ Picture is COMichael Cohen’s ]

 

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