On Chronic Illness & Bipolar :

Hi Hi Y’all,

I felt like there was something important for me to mention, bring up. What it’s like when you have both a reoccurring physical illness and mental health problems (which most of us have some form of a combination of the two). In my case, I also have to be responsible for being bipolar- or more correctly labeled manic-depressive.

If you don’t know what that means, the best way I know how to sum it up as a picture is imagining a person that hops from happiness/joy/concentration to lows of sadness/anxiety/inabilities. This varies in how extreme and on which side one person favors. For me, I’ve always had longer and much more reoccurring bouts of depression. It’s something I had been ashamed about for a really long time. I was taught not to talk about it and not need anything for it. If I did take something for it, it was only supposed to be a temporary secret. There was shame involved.

I guess what I’m here to talk about is what happens when that shame mixes with all the feelings of a chronic illness? A lot of time it has interesting side effects or results from how my body is physical responding. For instance, yesterday I had really bad brain fog and physical pain. However, in that state I was in a neutral auto-pilot. I couldn’t remember what I was stressing about or concerned about. If I did the emotional attachment wasn’t connected to it anymore.

Today, the experience is completely different. My brain hasn’t cleared up and told me everything I missed, but it turned all of the emotions to sadness. I feel sick, don’t want to move, don’t want to eat and live in my room alone. If I could block out the entire world and die alone in loneliness I think today I would except that. Today in all my sadness I wonder if I should just take the easy way out. I can’t imagine my feelings changing tomorrow or another day, even if they often do. It’s just a new cloud. The next day of weight and responsibility on my shoulders.

Today, I admit I am sad. All day I have been suppressing tears. I haven’t found a reason to leave my room besides morning coffee…. I haven’t remembered how I can do what I want to find inspiration to live.

I just remember my loneliness and pain. All the bad in the world that’s ever happened to me is circulating around my room as a cinematic mirage of torture. It reminds me that comparative to others I have lived a miserable life. It doesn’t let me realize that there is good, that there is hope, or there are people worth it in my life.

Depression sinks its claws into me and I am dragged down into an abyss.

Today, I don’t want

To wear a mask so bright.

There is nothing worth

That stress of fitting in.

The air is heavy

All around me

And stale.

All the lights dim

As if poorly lit industrial.

Tears stay trapped inside

An empty feeling shell.

Yet, it is stuffed to the brim

Of all the colors of sadness.

Like a story,

I fall into the abyss.

I.L. Knight

4d0e3f7bf83700079f6b205aff94c931.jpg

Lonely – Jonghyun

3 thoughts on “On Chronic Illness & Bipolar :

    • I can’t believe I just saw this. I wish I saw it early. I want you to know it always amazes me how kind and caring you are. As well as talented! If anyone ever sees you on anything I do I hope they can have a moment like this. <3

    • it seems my comment never posted. I just want to let you know there is no need for hearts breaking. especially, not for a caring person like you. <3 Thank for everything~

Leave a Reply