Hi Hi y’all!
You know sometimes I feel like the Queen of Excuses. It’s not that I mean to be really. I am very aware I have a natural born trait to resist ownership and responsibility and thus it needs to be managed… I guess, the thing is I always feel like I owe an explanation. That is probably due to a whole crapload of childhood trauma and shitty insecurities but that’s not really important here. What’s important is not only do I cripple myself but I cripple the relationships I have with others by being shitty with follow throughs and commitments.
I think, for awhile, this will hopefully be my last explanation:
More and more I have been taking both more frequent and longer absences. Part of it is due to health. I can’t say anything more than learning to live a life with a chronic illness seems to be a forever challenge. The ups are high and the downs are low. Dealing with being in my 20s and being bipolar along with it just seems to be this almost immeasurable task.
However, there are two bigger stressors in my life than even my health problems: school and family.
When I graduated high school university was this magical thing I was heading too. It was a place where I’d have everything I ever wanted and be an ambitious bad ass semi adult. I mean reality does kick in, challenges do present themselves and you do eventually become an adult. Going to the challenging school wasn’t what I thought it to be. Looking back, as thankful as I am for the lessons it’s taught me, I don’t think McGill was the university for me. It doesn’t flex to those who need flexibility. How smart I thought I was doesn’t matter in the end if I can’t handle the lifestyle of a proper student. I’ve always had a major thing about failure and learning to live that failure is okay in a high paced environment with many geniuses KILLS a soul. Everything school related becomes so much more emotionally and time wise to me.
Honestly, just sitting here waiting for my grades and taking my first test of the summer session has me dying in agony…
The second reason is of course family. I mean… guys. We all know I have family problems. However, lately I can’t help growing more and more annoyed. I am incessantly put in a position where, even when they say no, I have to end up as the family manager from another country. Things had gotten so bad my grandparents were preceding with divorce options (instead of just shouting about it) and still they do nothing. AND YOU KNOW WHY WE GOT THERE!
We got to that because my Aunt who lives with them bought a new house and didn’t want to move out her old furniture…. The same furniture that is representative of a ten year hoarding habit that has infuriated my grandma to no ends. The only funny side note is that she’s moving from there house to a house two miles up the road and three doors down from my mom’s house.
People in my family, I swear, do not actually separate from the uterus.
That drama cost me 4-5 days of major anxiety, panic attacks and being the only one who calms down my grandma.
Family is too difficult sometimes.
Anyways, today is part 2 of my first summer session exam. I have recommitted to yoga and started to seriously meditate again.
Hopefully, I can remain calm enough to get shit done for y’all~