What’s Been Going On :

NANO OR NOT TO NANO,

Here’s the thing. I SUCK at National November Writing Month. There is always something that falls short about it when it comes to me enacting it.  That’s why I start this recollection here at this point:

NANO WRI MO IS NEVER GOING TO BE FOR ME.

I’m not saying I blame some national celebrated nerd movement for my issues but I am saying that I respect the pattern and will do something else with my Novembers from now on.

Unlike November, October is my jam. It is the month of months for some great reasons. (1) Because it is Halloween (spooky) month you can pretty much get away with wearing whatever you want. The closer to Halloween the weirder and bolder you can get. That makes October the perfect month for being bold, confident and personal style challenges.

I spent the entire 31 days actively getting dressed in fashionable outfits. That’s actually a pretty huge deal for me. Loving fashion and dress up was a part of me I liked to keep squashed down and actively used tools like procrastination, body image issues and anxiety to not try the things I wanted to try. However, with the excuse of October this year I got passed that and actually took time to do more than just wear clothing that would look okay.

You may have also noticed me FINALLY wearing beautiful color coordinated lipstick to each outfit every day.

(2) It is normally the beginning and center of Fall for winter countries. That means cool weather, changes in scenery and the switch to my favorite style of clothes (and life).

That’s right. Fall attire, food, culture, weather. That is everything.  I may not be a Pumpkin Spice Latte fan by the idea of that, some sweater weather and writing underneath different shades of leaves is ideal for any mood.

(3) Halloween. It’s obvious ain’t it? I mean the second best and most exciting holiday exists in this month? Tricking people, dressing up, acting like a child with no social pressure about it is just bloody fucking fantastic.

I can assure you all that I normally do not disappoint the holiday. Seriously, any and all hangups, fears, anxieties or thoughts I have are pushed away. There is only the nerdy joy of history to the holiday, the deviousness of having fun at the expense of others comfort and feeling the unusual comfort of just letting go of my safety space to be a part of everything around me.

But, since this isn’t the podcast I planned to be released about my 31 Day October Happiness Challenge but an explanation I will end my scene setting here to switch to the more negative reality: November 2019.

This shift from Joy to where I am all began the last week of October. I had just finished hanging out with new friends- helping them get first tattoos and doing escape rooms- when I felt worse than normal. A worse that wasn’t the same as my flare ups worse. A new and painful worst.

I should of known that a new worst should of been immediately looked at. I had gone through enough stuff in these last few years to know that new + worst = a new worse problem. However, I was so happy being a part of the world again I indulged in one of my personal bad vices- ignoring the problems.

Well, I can say I have been reminded why we fail when we no longer put ourselves first.

Montreal had to move Halloween because of ‘weather’ and I had to move away from all my progress because of me.

[Yea, for the first time in my life in years I did nothing for Halloween, not even dress up. ]

In a matter of days I went from just being more sore, stiff and tired (and sad) than normal to being where I am now.

Health Wise?

Let’s say I now have been told until more blood work, scans and etc. come back that I have irritable bowel syndrome and/or one of the other auto immune diseases I have the genes for.

This means that I have had no energy for a month- so no leaving my house. My entire body has been bloated, inflamed and sore. My movement was so bad for two weeks I was surprised I could stand at all.

The small bit of weight that I fought 6 months to lose was gained back and then some….

And the medication I had to take to deal with this mean getting off my mental health meds. I have not been on my anti anxiety or anti depression meds in 4 weeks. It has been felt more than anything else.

You see, the joys of 31 Day October Happiness Challenge or not, I could handle having more body issues again. That alone I had prepared for.

It is when I lose my mind that this all happens. 4 weeks without them has turned me into a completely different person. I do not sleep for a few days in a row and then sleep for 20+ hours. I cannot maintain a thought without getting distracted or turning it into a negative. I cannot feel how much time is going by or how many days it’s been. I cannot control my anger and rage at the world. I cannot stop shaking or have trouble reading or understanding things.

Worse of all, I cannot stop returning to the place where I remember how much I wish I could just die. It consistently pops into my head as a mocking voice.

Die.Die.Die.Die…. Everything would be easier if you would just die…. There’s a pretty nice wall there. You can slam your head through it. Montreal metro has no rails… it’s so easy to just take a step…You are a failure….You’re a disgrace… a burden… there really is no reason left for you to be alive…

I don’t know how many people know what that’s like. To have a voice in your head. To go from someone put together and in control to someone who can’t process things but can somehow still process an evil whisper.

It’s been 4 weeks of me not even realizing it has been 4 weeks. I have gained weight and hated myself so much more than in forever. I have allowed family comments to bother me again and reinforce how much the evil whispers say to end it all.

I am sitting here in a cafe waiting for new retainers writing this and wondering really why I stop myself from ending it all? I know it isn’t for any good reason other than fear.

Fear that doesn’t even make sense to me: like I can’t die til I people read my stories but I’m too sad to write stories sort of fears. OR fears on how messy it would all be and I’m not about that. AND fears of the pointlessness of suicide anyways.

I am not well. That at least I can admit. And I HAVE TO ADMIT.

Because besides me getting to a place were I am well and in control it is important for others to know that it is okay to not be well.

That’s why after this month I am saying at least this much out in the open. That I wanted to die. That there will probably always be times were these ideas come back and I struggle to not want to punch the shit out of anyone who annoys me. But, hey, in a way that is okay.

Slowly, I am coming back. My body is readjusting to life now and in a few days when I get my meds back (which let’s be really is what I really need) everything will slowly start to be okay again.

I’ll process the things I read, find happiness in the little things, find a moment where I like how I look and maybe even want to write the wonders I imagine again.

Slowly I am coming back. I hope I explained it all okay?

Just going to end it with a warning for anyone on any medication:

Consult with your doctors before changing your medication. It is best to plan as much as possible before you do anything. There is ALWAYS an effect on the body and that means you may want to make sure you are in a time period where it is okay if something happens.

I.L. Knight

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HELP – Papa Roach

 

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