Watching TV & Thoughts :

Hi Hi Y’all,

Early today I read the spoilers for one of the manhwas I was reading- The Way To Protect The Female Lead’s Older Brother. It had such a great start and I loved the premise. Then I read the spoilers and I become the classic me of ‘whyyyyyy‘. The sad part was that I really needed something amazing to keep me happy. It’s one of my ways I fight my depression. But seeing in my mind ruined awesomeness the wall that holds back the floodgates shakes.

Then I saw the newest episode of WandaVision. It was the first Marvel Tv show I was actually enjoying. It’s not like I was expecting much from the next episode but this time my expectations were destroyed in a good way. It was amazing! The entire series has been great. Whoever has shit to say about the ‘slow-burn’ is nothing but an asshole. Truly, I the notorious DC is better advocate is declaring that Marvel won this round. Everything from the sitcom reaction of grief from Wanda and the potential of Vision returning to the main MCU.

BUT EVEN BETTER THAN THAT… BILLY & TOMMY HAVE ARRIVED.

In case, you don’t know they are actually really amazing young heroes in the Marvel comics. Billy, codename Wiccan, is a gay icon whose powers may be stronger than his own mother. Tommy, codename Speed, is fast like his Uncle Pietro.

The four characters are some of my favorite heroes in the comics and seeing their successful introduction and potential within the MCU is fluttering my little black heart. The idea of a Young Avengers is exciting, even more so if we get a Kid Loki. It is like a substance stronger than cement at binding my wall back together.

My coping method is working again~

I got some inspiration back and I feel like I can do my thang. My writing thang. That one thang people say is still my talent. That one thang people say has stayed with me through everything.

Needless to say, I am very glad for WandaVision. I may even finally remember that there are things I am good at and can do.

What a morning,

I.L. Knight

WandaVision Mid-Season Trailer

I’m Trying A New Treatment :

Hi Hi Y’all,

This update is for my fellow Spoonies. If you don’t know already I have an autoimmune disease called Ankylosing Spondylitis (and Fibro Myalgia and Arthritis and IBS and…). Well, to make a long story short with the newest shift in one of my disks I have pinched a major nerve.

It’s been a really bad pain that hasn’t disappeared for two months now along my left leg. Sometimes, it even spasms by my pelvis and I go falling forward. What’s worse is that even with the nerve blockers I can’t really exercise at the moment and am limping at times.

Besides the pain, it is super embarrassing and frustrating. If you have ever had a health problem you will know that those two feelings are frequent and never ending. However, at the very least we can try to lessen how bad it is for us.

Tomorrow, I have planned to get a few shots in my back. It is supposed to be a few months of nerve numbing in that area. To be honest, the whole getting shots in places doesn’t make me flinch anymore. But the thing is that all forms of ‘relief’ seem to come with costs. I couldn’t take my normal anti-inflammatories for 5 days. That means going into this I am feeling like a crazy bitchy version of Quasimodo.

I can only hope the relief will be worth the next week of recovering from other issues.

They say it will so I am hopeful and optimistic. However, I will let y’all know if I think it is recommendable for nerve pain.

I.L. Knight

What Is Ankylosing Spondylitis?

I Almost Died Again… :

Hi Hi Y’all~

So GUESS WHAT? I almost died again! Maybe… I could of just been badly injured…. ANYWAYSSERIOUSLY I CAN’T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED.

I live in a business and bank district so even in the winter time I’m expecting to have at least some streets salted and regular winter codes of conduct followed. BUT NO.

There in a moment someone didn’t follow the established rules AND started to push snow and ice off the roof a pretty large building.

BY  SOME MIRACLE, or some weird sixth sense I never knew I had, my feet stopped moving all of a sudden AND RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME a giant block of ice exploded on the ground.

The piece of ice was larger than my fat cat and if my feet hadn’t stopped all of a sudden it would of no doubt landed straight down on my head.

I’m not going to say I had an Oh My God Life is precious and I need to to suddenly be pro life and motivational speeches moment…. But I have certainly have done in a recheck.

Everything has been pretty good and happy for the last few weeks for me. It’s been like getting back on the right track and picking up speed in the right direction again. AND THEN THIS!?

I don’t know how to take it. I’m not a super religious person or a completely nonreligious person so it’s not like there’s a book that tells me how to take the event in a specific way. So I’m just going to take a moment and pick a meaning… I guess?

For me, I think I’ll take this as a grace or blessing or a reminder that even in happy times I have to keep to a schedule. This way I won’t continue my trend of getting complacent and forgetting to do the steps that let me be happy in the first place.

Mhm. That’s the reaction and lesson I’m taking from this experience.

Anyways, Can you believe I almost died again? 

I’m only 23, y’all.

I.L. Knight

P.s. I couldn’t help screaming ‘Holy Shit’ in the moment~

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If I Die Young – The Band Perry

HAPPY HALLOW’S EVE & Fan Fiction Fridays ~

Hi Hi Y’all~

It’s Halloweeen y’aaallll~

I was saving this upcoming [ #FFF ] Fan Fiction Friday for this exact day. Let us liiiive in the fantasy for one day of horror and treats. I have prepared for you all and for our crazy little Sam quiet a selection.

 20 + New Chapters of Harry Potter

1 New Chapter of  Eragon

2 New Chapter of Shadow Hunters

1 New Chapter of American Horror Story

1 New Chapter of A Demon Lord’s Tale

&

[ COMING SOON ] New Chapters in Chilling Adventures of Sabrina

Also, to remind you all and get your spirits up… Remember TOMORROW NANO WRI MO BEGINS~

ARE YOU SIGNED UP WITH BLOG? ON DISCOURSE? WITH ANYONE?

You should check Twitter for groups.

I.L. Knight

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~ This is Halloween ~

Random Lyrics, Poems & Words :

Hi HI Y’all,

I’m just thinking about some random lines that appeared in my head. They had this soft hum I haven’t thought of.

I wonder what they know?

I wonder what they see?

Is it the tares in me?

Why do I feel so low?

Why do I feel

Why do I feel

Why do I feel

I feel

I feel so low

I don’t know guys? Just some random words set to a random tune in my head.

I.L. Knight

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Falling Away From Me – Korn

Life Updates & Story Ideas:

Hi hi y’all,

I was sitting at my computer and was dying in the agony of having nothing to watch when the odd suggestion of Blood Ties came across my screening. I’m not going to lie, after binging the two seasons I have many comments. Is this a 90s show? It feels SUPER 90s. Why is the tension between Henry and Vicki written so awkwardly but still makes me rage about them not having SEX yet! Henry was objectively (even with awkward lines and plots) very yummy. Also why is your relationship with Mike so awkward? Will his new female partner learn the truth and handle it without trying to kill Henry like he did? Or Vicki? Why does Coreen have such awful taste and horrible luck with men? Again, I’d take a Henry.

But, it is more important to push these aside for a moment and remember that when it comes to me and dead/dying shows I immediately wonder about remakes. If I was to resurrect Blood Ties then what should be done?

Here is my rough remake version for 2019 peeps:

(1) Change Vicki to be a uni student that has a dead family member who was a cop. Have her going blind become a more prominent point in the series since TV has started to FINALLY get a bit better about showcasing that.

(2) Make Mike be an older childhood friend who is already a well known or great young cop.

(3) Coreen should be younger and less super goth looking. This isn’t 90s cliche moments.

(4) Keeping Henry as he was is fine just give him better lines.

(5) Just in general be better about plot. The monsters and flow got a bit… WEIRD towards the end.

BUT NONE OF THIS MATTERS SINCE I JUST REMEMBERED IT’S BASED OFF A BOOK. Oh well~

Moving on, I also recently saw Shazam. It was good. The flaws were covered up by the fact that having a good DC movie in awhile was a shock, having an actor who played a child well instead of being weird, a well assembled support cast and the hint of the SHAZAM FAMILY AT THE END!

That also got me thinking… I need to be better about my writings (time was, commitment wise and aspiration wise).

One day I don’t want to just see my books on shelves, but TV shows I’ve made or movies I’ve helped write. I want to stand as a creator that excels in their craft.

Soooooo….Basically….I guess I’m saying… I’m back?

I.L. Knight

P.s. buy my web novel (https://www.amazon.com/Tale-Shadow-Light-Chronicles-ebook/dp/B07L5F6DXZ) please?

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DARKNESS – Ultimate Epic Music

 

 

*** Cover done by SD09 ***

Back Pain & Why Tattoos :

Hi Hi Y’all,

I know more and more I talk about chronic illness. It’s not meant to just be a purge, a kvetch or a notice for recognition. Lately, my flare up have just been getting worse and longer. All the advice doctors gave and the awkward hard to explain moments just seem worse. More then ever, I am just tired. So very tired…

A friend of mine is coming up to visit me in April and I am so excited to have someone see where I go to University and be an understanding friend. I had been debating when ( and more importantly) where to get a back tattoo I have always wanted.

When I was a kid I was obsessed with Yakuza movies, samurai movies and ronin movies. I loved the traditional colorful tattoos on them and the values that seemed to come with them. As I got older, learned more about what it meant and how it was perceived I didn’t want such a large piece anymore. For awhile, I thought about abandoning the idea completely.

Then I got my diagnosis and I started to reconsider. What eventually solidified the desire to get the tattoo was this increasing problems. My drugs are increasing and surgeries that seemed far off seem sooner and sooner. More and more I feel like I am missing out and that I’ll miss out on things even more in the future. Weighed down by everything around me and having it all be unseen is taking a bigger toll on me. I can do less then I used to at the moment and no one really sees it or understands it. More and more I have to come to terms with being seen by the average person as a ‘disappointment’.

It’s these things that make me stop caring about some of the things I used to. If I feel like life is short and changing so much for me I have to at least do the things I enjoy? A giant back tattoo or some crazy visual representation of all my problems probably won’t do much for me, but that doesn’t mean I can’t stick to aesthetic and feel as if I did something to show it.

My back has two curves and a tiny hump on my neck. At the top of my spine there are signs of bones thinning and possibly going to fade away. As you got to the bottom of my spine fusing has started, my hips are out of place and my legs are now two different lengths. None of this can be seen or understood unless I give up and say I want to walk around like Quasimodo so people notice me. That is always going to be the reality of my back. Anything from now on won’t be seen.

I like small minuscule and thin lined tattoos. Normally, I don’t want color and just want simple black. I’ve known since I was small I would want tattoos that represented ideas that meant a lot to me in life. Knowing this it isn’t hard for me to know what sort of tattoo I’d get on my back.

At the top of my neck, I would want in thin black lines Vegvisir. Vegvisir is one of the most popular Nordic charms. It wishes for the person to never lose their way in storm and bad weather even if the path is unknown. I don’t think there is anything more symbolic of everything going on then that. However, there is one more reason. My great grandma’s mother was a Swedish Orphan. She had come to the U.K. and met a Spanish Jew. They married and moved to the U.S. Apparently, unlike her husband and the efforts she put into now being Jewish and raising Jewish kids she never gave up her belief system. She was very very very Christian. I’m talking crosses and bloody Jesus pictures everywhere sort of Christian. Yet, there was one thing that my great grandma remembered seeing even when she didn’t know the name of it until I told her: Vegvisir. In a legacy where only food and some old myths managed to be passed down, my great grandma could vaguely in her dying times remember seeing Vegvisir as a child. Now how could I argue with that? Jewish or not, my great grandma read me Nordic myths as I was growing up, joked how if it was true Odin was 100% cooler than Zeus, and how we were meant to be tough because it was just in our blood. I’m traveling rough waters right now and maybe that means it isn’t just about being Jewish, but remembering all beliefs that helped create me.

Underneath Vegvisir is the real highlight though. Running in small thin lines will be the I Ching and its 64 changes. For a person of my aesthetic and weirdness (and love for Asian culture) what is better then 64 line patterns each symbolizing a different part of early understanding and divination? Nothing. Seriously, nothing at all. My life is certainly one of change and phases, of fortunes and dis-fortunes, and of joy and sadness. These line patterns will follow the crooked path my spine takes all the way to my tailbone. Maybe it will seem funny to some, but to me it’s a little part of the truth. And when these inevitable surgeries come, the scars appear on my back and the fight through new types of pain begins, I have marks of it all. Little lines that exist as part of scars and as part of the journey.

Going through all of this has taught me that living behind a mask is no longer something I’ll really be good at again. My body demands of me the truth. It demands that I grow past the angry cynical jaded girl I was when I was young and try to find the joy of life. It tells me that it will not tolerate lies and will only tolerate truth.

Don’t I have to do it then?

I.L. Knight

P.S. Odin really is way better. Norse > Greek everyday <3

Vegvisir

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I Ching

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Pagan Folk Music – Vegvisir

Am I Missing Out? :

I had just finished locking up the store I work out at night and I was passing the collection of fellow students in the lobby of my building. They were dressed up for no reason, laughing, chatting, and wondering what last minute plans they should make. For the first time in awhile I wondered if I was missing out.

I spend a lot of time trying to remind myself of the positives that have come with my life changing so drastically and so quickly. I have grown up, became a more understanding person, learned a new sort of strength, learned to love myself, learned to take it slow and learned to to speak out when I feel like someone should. I do all of this because it’s too easy to get pulled into the bad. No one wants to get stuck in a swamp of negativity.

However, I don’t think I am reminded of the bad. Maybe, I think I am reminded of the sad part of nostalgia. When I see them I am reminded of how I remember being. There were a lot less fears and a lot more risks for the joy of adventure. I could stay up as late and as far as I needed too to keep the thrill of it all going. Everything around me I wanted to experience. It’s so different to how I am now.

Now, I am a person who fights anxiety and fears about leaving my home to be a part of the world again. I am a person who makes lists on what I’ll need and where I can find things in case of an emergency. The odds are weighed before every move I make because it feels like that is the only way I can live. The silly little things I used to laugh about feel like scheduled in hassles.

I have gotten over not being able to remember how I used to be. It’s natural for people to change. Seeing people my age though like that reminds me of parts of myself I didn’t know I missed. I never thought I would miss being foolish, or jumping before I looked where I was going, or making mistakes because I had no idea what was going on or loving to be outdoors to feel the wind on my skin. I was someone who wanted to experience it all and dreamed of going everywhere. When did this change? When did I think that it was okay?

I know I am a different person and that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Seeing them though reminds that I have let myself miss out. I have become so wrapped up in trying to stay on task, do things well and manage the unmanageable illness that I forgot to just do the things I like about life. I’ve been forgetting to live. I was letting the pain get to me more then I realized.

I think next weekend I am going to go to archery. Maybe I’ll go to the dog park near my apartment or to a cat cafe in the city. Maybe I’ll even just go for a walk.

I think we need to enjoy life again. What’s the point of being a warrior unless you are fighting for what you enjoy?

I.L. Knight

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Traveling Song – Ryn Weaver

A Change Of View On Drugs :

Hi Hi Y’all,

I wanted to take a moment to mention something a bit serious again. I have someone I know in University who just came out as going to a counseling session for drug use. Now, just because I go to a top notch university like McGill doesn’t mean the people who attend it are robots immune to the problems. I had known of this person as someone who was pretty straight laced A type student back in their first year of University. Thinking of this person as someone who was going to sessions about a drug problem was shocking to me. They always had it together. They said it started with taking ritalin to stay up and study for exams. From there it went to sleeping pills to then fall asleep and then to other drugs for fun or other things. I’m not going to talk about their story past this. It is their journey and story. However, I am going to talk about the issue as a whole, because my attitude towards it has changed a lot over the years.

I mention it all the time, but I am from a conservative family. Growing up, my family wasn’t big on medication. If you really felt like you needed something just take Tylenol would be enough to tide over the problem. This led me to have two different reactions to the idea of drugs as a child. The first was I thought that people who relied on them or took them were weak and sort of pathetic. The second was me wishing I could take them. Sometimes, as a kid I would try to exaggerate the problem I was having in hopes of care or recognition. I would be sent to school with fevers or colds without a second thought. Part of me felt like if they gave me medicine it would be the same as recognition of it. However, this part was buried down because people who used drugs were weak. I was not expected to be weak. I was the kid everyone pinned their hopes on and had to succeed.

I kept this up for many years. It was a problem I could push away and not have to deal with. Then in high school I started feeling on well more. More people I knew were starting to use drugs for either medicinal purposes or recreational ones. The line between drug use and an individual seemed to get grayer. The idea of a lot of family problems occurring because no one in my family wanted to be responsible and take the medication they should be on became clearer. Still, I pushed this problem away as much as I could.

However, once again in University I was forced to confront this. I had gotten sick. I had entered into a world of chronic pain. No matter how much pain I was in I would actually tell some of my doctors I refused to take certain medications. My own mother had started getting sick about a year before me and was now taking from my family’s point of view lots of medication. Specifically, she seemed reliant on pain medication. The idea of being like that scared me more then it conflicted with my views. What if I started taking pain medication, became reliant on it, dealt with horrible side effects and allowed myself to be weak. I couldn’t allow that, so for three years I avoided some medication I should of been on and only took stronger versions of anti-inflammatory. However, there comes a time where you have to admit that isn’t enough.

When that time came for me I was scared. My fear of failure and all my other problems seemed to load on top of it as if I now had to carry another boulder on my back. I can’t say I am 100% okay with it all yet. I can say that now I can make jokes about it and remind myself I am on medication I need.

However, the biggest change is when I hear about someone like this. I don’t look down on them like I used to. I guess, even if I still think they are weak, a part of me can understand how it came to be. I think I can empathize with them a bit and maybe one day I can grow past my fear of weakness.

McGill sucks,

I.L. Knight

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I Don’t Like The Drugs – Marilyn Manson