Ruining My Happy Place:

Whelp, I moved houses. And this new house has been super great, it fits every box for a warm happy home that is conducive to living a new chronic life. An added bonus: it is next to the Japanese gardens in my town. It is a great place I love to just sit in silence and like find some time to myself and be around nature. It is a happy place for me in a town that has historically not been so happy for me.

AND THEY RUINED IT. THEY FUCKING RUINED IT. THEY RUINED IT FOR ME SO BADLY I CAN’T GO BACK FOR AT LEAST A YEAR, SO I CAN GET OVER HOW THEY FUCKING RUINED IT.

First, my grandmother went around the gardens complaining how the price of entrance and how it was a money trap. Which she emphasized when she saw the mini shrine statues where people were leaving change as offering for luck. When I tried to explain they are mimicking what is done in Shinto shrines SHE LAUGHED AT EVERYONE. I may make fun of a lot of people, but even I try to respect spirituality… It got even worse when she kept taking water from various water stations in the park only to constantly spit it out and insult it… THEN END THE TOUR BY SAYING LOCAL PARKS ARE FREE AND PRETTIER….

My Aunt decided to remark in her loud New York voice and persona at every single person who passed us and politely asked us to lower our voices. It is a majority silent garden where people come for peace. THERE WAS NOTHING RUDE OR OFFENSIVE FOR WHAT THEY WERE ASKING. I mean everyone in our family was quickly walking through the gardens anyways without looking. What was there for you to stop and talk about.

And there is my mom. My lovely, sweet All-American, blonde cherub of a mother. I WILL NEVER ALLOW YOU IN A PLACE THAT IS IMPORTANT TO ME AGAIN. Forget trying to share common interests, forget having a simple basic conversation with your daughter. Forget all of that! No matter how much you are frustrated with me, UNJUSTLY FOR A WEEK STRAIGHT OF TORMENT I MIGHT ADD, you don’t say stupid fucking cunty shit.

First, you call me dirty, disgusting and belonging in the woods in the morning, because I changed from washing my hair from everyday to every other day or every two days. A thing that I was doing, because I NEED TO FREAKING HEAL MY HAIR THAT IS DAMAGED. Oh no, you don’t stop the day there. You enter my peaceful refuge and in the middle of a crowd of plant appreciating people yell that I am fat. That my trainer, who by the way if you listened your daughter at all in any conversation is there for helping me regain atrophied muscle and mobility, is failing because I look like shit. OH AND LET US REMIND OURSELVES HOW I AM A BITCH, UNWORTHY, MONSTER, COLD, LAZY, STUPID, ETC…. person in front of this now gawking crowd of people. Then follow me off into a side path to scream at me for not meeting your ideals as the perfect fucking daughter.

And even after all of this. I still feel like crap, because you know what. I entered a state I haven’t been in years! I blacked out for a moment. I didn’t see anything or know what I did. I only know that I felt myself falter and try to regain my balance. But I could tell what I did, I gave you a light kick to the back of the leg to shut you up.

Something I can’t even take satisfaction in because, (1) it is wrong to lift your hand to anyone in that manner, (2) it occurred in a state I was not in control of and (3) YOU DIDN’T EVEN FUCKING SHUT UP. No, the only thing that happened is me self reflecting in the car ride home. Remembering the one and only ever time before this something like this has happened…

I was around thirteen. Our problems had been escalating the last year or two with your insanity getting worse and my general emergence into puberty… Bullying in school was getting worse and I myself was sinking deep into something I wouldn’t yet have a name for. I was in the kitchen making breakfast as I did every day for you, even if I knew you were going to not eat it and throw it out anyways. What the fight about I can’t remember. But I will always remember that feeling of blacking out and coming back into yourself only to see a surprising a result. A result that you instantly wish was satisfying, but has the complete opposite effect. At the park, it was kicking you. Back then, it was the sight of egg dripping down your face. I had cracked them on your head… A surprisingly creative thing though.

My favorite place was ruined for me though the moment I made that connection. It would be a place where I was brought back too one of my worst memories. A time when I was so out of control, because of my feelings, I literal lost myself. It made me realize it’s not just pain, hurt, guilt, sadness I have for my family. There is a large boiling cauldron of resentment that doesn’t want to just stay in the pot anymore.

I kind of wonder now… with another place leaving my list of safety zones where I can go to escape everything. Where can I go to calm my mind or get rid of a migraine…

I sort of wish Ukiyo was as true as the stories. I could bend down right by the edge of a pool of water and reach out towards a reflection…Where I went or what the place was didn’t really matter. It was just disconnected, separate, more realistic than a fantasy, but still yet a fantasy.

It would be a completely different world… wouldn’t it?

I.L. Knight

 

 

hotaru-no-hikari

Japanese Instrumental

 

 

*The picture has a cat in it o(≧∇≦o). This almost a perfect recreation of what I wish for my retirement.*

Soap

It’s funny. Here I am trotting along on my path to my own start up and a neighbor of mine turns out to be much later in the steps of his own. It’s quite the coinkydink if you ask me. Sure enough, I hadn’t realized I actually use his product. My mom was bringing it home to us every week. He makes soap. Now, now don’t laugh. If this was way back in the day he would be revered as a god of hygiene.

I will give him this though. It is special soap. Great soap. It’s called The CBD Skincare Co and they focus on soap that is actually good for people that have skin conditions. The owners have had issues with soap due to bad eczema and burned skin. When their daughter was going through a bad case of eczema they decided to try and make some soap that would help her. And they apparently did.

My mom switched my soap about 3 months ago and since then my skin has been pretty great. I do use a charcoal bar before I wash with it, because I am a clean freak. However, after the charcoal bar I wash down/scrub my body with their soap. It’s great that it doesn’t irritate my skin or cause any blotchy redness.

They asked me to comment on its effectiveness so they could see if it works for other skin conditions and how it would react to the CBD oil. For those of you who don’t know what that is it is an oil from hemp. Basically the part of a hemp plant that isn’t used for smoking. Which means you don’t need a medical marijuana card to use this soap. So far all you need is to want to take care of your skin.

That being said. If you are interested in trying a new soap that has been helpful for me, I suggest trying theirs. My whole family use it and we have a variety of skin issues. If you do try it hit me up on twitter or find another way to let me know. I want to make sure I tell them the truth about the product. Since it is made for those with skin problems before anything else. I can also help y’all possibly get a discount. (๑˃̵ᴗ˂̵)و

Please try it and let me know!

I.L. Knight

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Soap – Melanie Martinez

A Deeper Shade of Red

I don’t think it would take anyone for surprise if I admitted that the last week or so I have been in a slump. However, even though I admit to it I don’t plan on reveling in it.  I am determined to get out of it. So today I threw on a new deep red shade of lipstick, donned cute fall clothing and stepped out into the world ready to study and feel a new. It’s the little things, the tiny quirks you find important, that can really turn things around for you.

For me, all I needed was a new shade of lipstick…

I.L. Knight

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Lip Gloss – Lil Mama