Exhausted :

Hi Hi Y’all,

I am completely and utterly exhausted. BUT. I have to push through for at least another 3 days…SO. Adding to the site today we have one chapter update for American Horror Story Fan Fiction:

Chapter 7

AAAAND… I have Part 1 of the updates for an orginal web novel series between Outremusings and myself, called H x E. There is now 21 chapters up!

H X E

Other news, I did one of those Buzzfeed thingies. I tried to go back to my past life and stuffs. So I asked myself (as instructed by the video) what have I brought with me, and this is what I saw:

The sight of tan bareless feet running….trees…I’m in a forest. I love the forest…It’s so beautiful….But I can’t think like that because I’m suddenly filled with worry…I’m fleeing from something…I can see my hands. There tan, rough. I think I’m Pacific Islander. Maybe South Asian…But my instinct says I’m Pacific Islander…. I can also feel smoke although I can’t see it….Just like how I can suddenly feel the ocean near me…I keep falling… I want to stop running…I’m exhausted…So exhausted… I just want it all to stop.. BUT..I know I can’t. I have to get where I’m going.I think I’m a screw up. That I’m not good at what I’m supposed to be good at. And now I know all these people depend on me getting there. And I hear the sound of someone crying, but I can’t see them. I didn’t know the pain could get worse…and as I run I see black start to cover my vision………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

I think I died. I don’t think I made it. I think I let down those people. Because suddenly I hear lots of cries, and know a fire is crawling towards me. That I’m about to become ashes and return to the earth…I know I never made it………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….And then I’m back in that world tree. The accumulation of all mes is a little girl with a bunny doll. And I watch her drop this tiny old fashioned bunny. I watch it fall from this tree and place that is dark and light all at the same time to empty space. Falling until somehow I can no longer see it. The words in a voice I can’t recognize linger in my head, ‘Let Go’.

Welp. That was my one fun introspective update of the week. Also, I got called a Kyke today in class. I won’t get into it, but… I haven’t been called a Kyke since I was seven and in such rural South you questioned  everything about yourself…Still processing that. But I know I’m feeling some sort of pain.

Also, to my friend Outremusings, my ride or die, I’m sorry I’ve been falling into old patterns and not being a good friend. There’s no excuse.

My goal was to stop myself from feeling so overwhelmed. It was to control my anxiety and be here in the present with the people that love me and the people I love. And you are most definitely on the top of that list.

I really just want to feel like I’ve become successful in any capacity…I want my service dog.

I.L. Knight

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Shalom Chaverim

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[ Picture is COMichael Cohen’s ]

 

BuzzFeed Quizzes

After endless hours of conversations with friends and Buzzfeed quizzes I have come to the conclusion that I am a pretty weird person. Weird in the sense that I really do seem to like sad things and exhibit eccentric and often random likes for things. I don’t have a problem with this. It’s just…

I don’t know? Maybe I want to fit in a nice neat box. My friends joke that my life is like a drama or a movie. I suppose that would make a lot of people happy, having the extreme ups and downs. For me, I’ve just always wanted to be perfectly average.  Average looks, average intelligence, average social life, career, wants, hopes, dreams and love.

Maybe at the end of the day I feel so meh all the time because I want to be something I’m not. Not that I’m this super special person. I’m just someone who won’t fit in a nice neat box. Coming to terms with that may be the best thing for me.

The problem is, I don’t know how to come to terms with that. How do you see yourself as special when you never wanted to be special?

I mean how do you combine a everything unique about a person into one nice category?

Let’s take my Buzzfeed quiz results for instance:

I am destined to end up with InuYasha.
If I was an anime playing volleyball player I’d be the smart ass Toru Oikawa.
I’m chill like I’m basically a yaoi anime character Haruka Nanase.
I’m as playful as Neko from K Project.
I belong in a Teen Wolf episode.
I am the human form of Lemon Cake.
I am apparently destined to become a Black Lantern.
Also the Joker.
I am apparently as intense as Batman,
And super charged as Wanda Maximoff.
As avoidant of the past as Simba,
and as eccentric as Rafiki.
I’m even apparently working on being as bad ass as Ryuko Matoi.
If giant man eating monsters came alive I’d be Mikasa Ackerman.

How do people take all of these results and make this into one person?

p.s. I know this is a lot of quizzes. It’s just a thing I do with a friend. We compare and laugh. Don’t judge girl bonding time 😛

I.L. Knight

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Getting to Know You – Julie Andrews