The Grind :

Hi Hi Y’all,

I think I’ve met another situation where appreciation doesn’t equal the true understanding of emotional strength in a situation until one’s been in it before: the grind.

I grew up in a middle class family with typical crazy ass middle class problems. My biggest worries were always emotional and based on social dynamics. It’s the sort of crazy that seems particularly less of a problem for those of lower economic status. Where, food, shelter and education tend to be the more prominent concerns. I’m not going to sit here and lie and say I’m approaching that line. Mostly due to fear of a verbal smack down from a friend the first time my thoughts started to head in that direction.

What I will tell you is that for the first time I really am participating in needing to grind through to maintain a semblance of your former economic status.

Let me explain:

(1) Many people know the roots of many of my issues stem from family. This will not ever change. However, there is a way to relieve some of the stress in its most basic attachment, money dependency. If you cut strings that hold you dependent you can find room to breathe. The thought alone is nice, but it isn’t an immediate practical step for the majority kids in my possession. We were never taught to work, budget, or accept basic life style choices others have had to make.

(2) This is were the transition phase starts. Research on what you are exactly dependent on begins. Calculations are made and beautiful word documents created to try and summarize your life by numbers. From there you look at that scary truth and start to try and formulate a plan to afford to pay them. You get your first proper part time job. You start side hustles or free lance work here and there to get the few extra bits of cash. You even maybe get more than one credit card so you can do a new form of balancing act.

(3) Now, we’ve arrived at stage three. You’ve been really at this for awhile. You can sort of do the routine, but it isn’t perfect yet. Your life has become multiple part time jobs/freelancing, school and work comes first mentality, some of your old enjoyments are overpriced unnecessary goods and your new tittle has become minimum payment queen. Your natural 700s credit score is in the 600s because of choices you made to learn how to be an adult… Stage 3.

(4) This is what I mean when I say I am more than just appreciative towards those who are in the grind, because I am now in one as well. It doesn’t matter that my voice is cracked as hell, that my school assigned me a shit ton of work, that I wanted to write a book, or that I wanted to spend more time on myself. If it doesn’t fit in with the flow of the grind of the week it doesn’t fit in. It’s a no.

Yes, I am luckier than most. Yes, I probably shouldn’t ever say I have to live this life when I have people who will be there to catch me when I fall. HOWEVER, what I can say is that I am living a life that makes me my own person. I am living the life an adult. These tough decisions and annoying thought processes are now on my shoulders.

Living your life independent of attachments to others or of your own insecurities is a challenge. I think it is important to take a moment to realize all that you are doing to achieve the goal. You have to admit sometimes it sucks, your tired and you don’t want to do it. Then you need to be proud of yourself for still showing up for the fight.

That’s the grind…

Getting up over and over again.

Ain’t going to let anything stop me from standing up in the morning.

I.L. Knight

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Working Man Blues – Merle Haggard

Blog UPDATE(S) MAJOR

Hi Hi Y’all!

I know it seems as if I have done an almost complete black out the last two days with social media and contact with the outside world. I promise I wasn’t for once. I got scheduled to work every day this week (except one day) from 5pm to 12am. I also started school and set up my OSD stuff and health regimen. Essentially, I was busy and tired as hell.

BUT…. BUT BUT… I wasn’t abandoning you guys. OH NO. I have pushed through to pump out major Fan Fiction updates. I mean MAJOR.

AHS is now up to 24 chapters!

Star Trek is up to 46!

HP is about to 41!

AND THIS WEEKEND THERE WILL BE MASSIVE WEB NOVEL/MORE FAN FICTION UPDATES.

Also, if I have time I plan to FINALLY fix my patreon. I plan to add scheduled early release access, in depth looks at the draft process and possibly videos or google hangouts.

Lastly, I will be releasing new illustrations for as many as my works as possible!

OH SHIT WAIT. TIME TO PLUG~

Down below is the link for my debut web novel (novella) A Tale Of Shadow & Light. It is book one of a Dark (what I refer as actually realistic) high fantasy called Chronicles.

Please check it out!

I.L. Knight

A Tale Of Shadow & Light

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Volume 1 H x E 

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Out in early February

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High Hopes – Panic! At The Disco

Fan Fiction Updates :

Hi Hi Y’all!

We have massive flood of Fan Fiction updates for you~~~

First off we have our first Harry Potter RP updated to 39 chapters!

Our American Horror Story has reached 20 chapters!

AND our final one is the addition of Star Trek! 12 Chapters!!!

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Exhausted :

Hi Hi Y’all,

I am completely and utterly exhausted. BUT. I have to push through for at least another 3 days…SO. Adding to the site today we have one chapter update for American Horror Story Fan Fiction:

Chapter 7

AAAAND… I have Part 1 of the updates for an orginal web novel series between Outremusings and myself, called H x E. There is now 21 chapters up!

H X E

Other news, I did one of those Buzzfeed thingies. I tried to go back to my past life and stuffs. So I asked myself (as instructed by the video) what have I brought with me, and this is what I saw:

The sight of tan bareless feet running….trees…I’m in a forest. I love the forest…It’s so beautiful….But I can’t think like that because I’m suddenly filled with worry…I’m fleeing from something…I can see my hands. There tan, rough. I think I’m Pacific Islander. Maybe South Asian…But my instinct says I’m Pacific Islander…. I can also feel smoke although I can’t see it….Just like how I can suddenly feel the ocean near me…I keep falling… I want to stop running…I’m exhausted…So exhausted… I just want it all to stop.. BUT..I know I can’t. I have to get where I’m going.I think I’m a screw up. That I’m not good at what I’m supposed to be good at. And now I know all these people depend on me getting there. And I hear the sound of someone crying, but I can’t see them. I didn’t know the pain could get worse…and as I run I see black start to cover my vision………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

I think I died. I don’t think I made it. I think I let down those people. Because suddenly I hear lots of cries, and know a fire is crawling towards me. That I’m about to become ashes and return to the earth…I know I never made it………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….And then I’m back in that world tree. The accumulation of all mes is a little girl with a bunny doll. And I watch her drop this tiny old fashioned bunny. I watch it fall from this tree and place that is dark and light all at the same time to empty space. Falling until somehow I can no longer see it. The words in a voice I can’t recognize linger in my head, ‘Let Go’.

Welp. That was my one fun introspective update of the week. Also, I got called a Kyke today in class. I won’t get into it, but… I haven’t been called a Kyke since I was seven and in such rural South you questioned  everything about yourself…Still processing that. But I know I’m feeling some sort of pain.

Also, to my friend Outremusings, my ride or die, I’m sorry I’ve been falling into old patterns and not being a good friend. There’s no excuse.

My goal was to stop myself from feeling so overwhelmed. It was to control my anxiety and be here in the present with the people that love me and the people I love. And you are most definitely on the top of that list.

I really just want to feel like I’ve become successful in any capacity…I want my service dog.

I.L. Knight

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Shalom Chaverim

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[ Picture is COMichael Cohen’s ]

 

Sunday Announcement :

Hi Hi Y’all !!!

I have a bunch of news for you! First off I have Fan Fiction Updates ~~~

The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina

The Originals

Next, I have to shout out my girl, Lisa Stapleton. She is going to be the go to blogger for NANO 2018!

https://lisastapletonauthor.wordpress.com/

I will also be doing NANO 2018 and have a discord with a few other writers. It will be as close 24-hrs as possible for all the writers out there so be sure to join at this link below:

htt[s://discord.gg/Yudt66P

As for my other work, all the fun original goodies I am happy to announce the tentative schedule. Next Wednesday I will be releasing a teaser for my debut novella The Chronicles: A Tale of Shadow & Light.

AND that’s not all. Before next Wednesday, for those who keep their eyes on the site, will be the first to see updates on one of my web novel series.

Don’t forget to check out my weekly Sunday, 11am est Smite stream for dropped hints about whats coming in the week! AND PLEASE…

Tenguufeather

If you have a moment or two take the chance to hop on over to my Patreon and help a girl out.

I.L. Knight

Thanks for everything my little lovelies,

I.L. Knight

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Like A Vampire – Catrien Maxwell

 

 

Star vs. The Forces of Evil :

So, Star Vs. The Forces of Evil is ending and I am so torn. SO TORN. The problem is I don’t know whether or not I am too upset to watch the end of season 3. This is going to sound like the nerdiest most sappy geek like thing ever, but: I AM REALLY ANNOYED WITH THAT STARCO MOMENT. I get we are probably going to have the cliche where the best friend male character is the predestined fated true love of the female protagonist (because we can never just have a great friend story) happen, but having Marco kiss Star right after Tom and her finally get the growth they should have and be super cute IS JUST PLAN AWFUL. That is a waster of having Tom and Star together or Kelly being interested in Marco. All of that awkwardness could of just waited till the next season. Don’t do it back to back like that.

And you want to know the worst part if you are a Tomstar shipper like me? All the Starco fan fiction children are so amazing. Like seriously amazing. Luna and Cressida and Sam are so great I would love an episode where a bunch of parallel world kids just pop out team up and save Mewni…..Why can’t someone make (specifically draw because I have no talent in that) cute kids for Tomstar? TOM DESERVES CUTE KIDS TOO.

Please, internet if I write bad fan fiction will you help me?

I.L. Knight

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Star’s Princess Song – Star Vs. The Forces Of Evil

Web Novel Updates :

Before I sit down in assignment hell and overload I just wanted to quickly update two of the chapters for a web novel I have been shopping around….As soon as I get out from under my assignment and life overload I will update more.

MOOOORRREEEE,

I.L. Knight

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All The Tired Horses – Bob Dylan

 

Boys :

When you successfully avoid all the traps a boy from the past throws out at you. The bait-switch, the pitfall, the recollection, the poke and prod, the tease…. I AVOIDED THEM ALL MOTHER FUCKER. Instead, I got a serious of apologies.

Take that… Take that to your record of past experiences you need to learn from.

I OWNED YOU SON.

I.L. Knight

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Work Bitch – Britney Spears

Ruining My Happy Place:

Whelp, I moved houses. And this new house has been super great, it fits every box for a warm happy home that is conducive to living a new chronic life. An added bonus: it is next to the Japanese gardens in my town. It is a great place I love to just sit in silence and like find some time to myself and be around nature. It is a happy place for me in a town that has historically not been so happy for me.

AND THEY RUINED IT. THEY FUCKING RUINED IT. THEY RUINED IT FOR ME SO BADLY I CAN’T GO BACK FOR AT LEAST A YEAR, SO I CAN GET OVER HOW THEY FUCKING RUINED IT.

First, my grandmother went around the gardens complaining how the price of entrance and how it was a money trap. Which she emphasized when she saw the mini shrine statues where people were leaving change as offering for luck. When I tried to explain they are mimicking what is done in Shinto shrines SHE LAUGHED AT EVERYONE. I may make fun of a lot of people, but even I try to respect spirituality… It got even worse when she kept taking water from various water stations in the park only to constantly spit it out and insult it… THEN END THE TOUR BY SAYING LOCAL PARKS ARE FREE AND PRETTIER….

My Aunt decided to remark in her loud New York voice and persona at every single person who passed us and politely asked us to lower our voices. It is a majority silent garden where people come for peace. THERE WAS NOTHING RUDE OR OFFENSIVE FOR WHAT THEY WERE ASKING. I mean everyone in our family was quickly walking through the gardens anyways without looking. What was there for you to stop and talk about.

And there is my mom. My lovely, sweet All-American, blonde cherub of a mother. I WILL NEVER ALLOW YOU IN A PLACE THAT IS IMPORTANT TO ME AGAIN. Forget trying to share common interests, forget having a simple basic conversation with your daughter. Forget all of that! No matter how much you are frustrated with me, UNJUSTLY FOR A WEEK STRAIGHT OF TORMENT I MIGHT ADD, you don’t say stupid fucking cunty shit.

First, you call me dirty, disgusting and belonging in the woods in the morning, because I changed from washing my hair from everyday to every other day or every two days. A thing that I was doing, because I NEED TO FREAKING HEAL MY HAIR THAT IS DAMAGED. Oh no, you don’t stop the day there. You enter my peaceful refuge and in the middle of a crowd of plant appreciating people yell that I am fat. That my trainer, who by the way if you listened your daughter at all in any conversation is there for helping me regain atrophied muscle and mobility, is failing because I look like shit. OH AND LET US REMIND OURSELVES HOW I AM A BITCH, UNWORTHY, MONSTER, COLD, LAZY, STUPID, ETC…. person in front of this now gawking crowd of people. Then follow me off into a side path to scream at me for not meeting your ideals as the perfect fucking daughter.

And even after all of this. I still feel like crap, because you know what. I entered a state I haven’t been in years! I blacked out for a moment. I didn’t see anything or know what I did. I only know that I felt myself falter and try to regain my balance. But I could tell what I did, I gave you a light kick to the back of the leg to shut you up.

Something I can’t even take satisfaction in because, (1) it is wrong to lift your hand to anyone in that manner, (2) it occurred in a state I was not in control of and (3) YOU DIDN’T EVEN FUCKING SHUT UP. No, the only thing that happened is me self reflecting in the car ride home. Remembering the one and only ever time before this something like this has happened…

I was around thirteen. Our problems had been escalating the last year or two with your insanity getting worse and my general emergence into puberty… Bullying in school was getting worse and I myself was sinking deep into something I wouldn’t yet have a name for. I was in the kitchen making breakfast as I did every day for you, even if I knew you were going to not eat it and throw it out anyways. What the fight about I can’t remember. But I will always remember that feeling of blacking out and coming back into yourself only to see a surprising a result. A result that you instantly wish was satisfying, but has the complete opposite effect. At the park, it was kicking you. Back then, it was the sight of egg dripping down your face. I had cracked them on your head… A surprisingly creative thing though.

My favorite place was ruined for me though the moment I made that connection. It would be a place where I was brought back too one of my worst memories. A time when I was so out of control, because of my feelings, I literal lost myself. It made me realize it’s not just pain, hurt, guilt, sadness I have for my family. There is a large boiling cauldron of resentment that doesn’t want to just stay in the pot anymore.

I kind of wonder now… with another place leaving my list of safety zones where I can go to escape everything. Where can I go to calm my mind or get rid of a migraine…

I sort of wish Ukiyo was as true as the stories. I could bend down right by the edge of a pool of water and reach out towards a reflection…Where I went or what the place was didn’t really matter. It was just disconnected, separate, more realistic than a fantasy, but still yet a fantasy.

It would be a completely different world… wouldn’t it?

I.L. Knight

 

 

hotaru-no-hikari

Japanese Instrumental

 

 

*The picture has a cat in it o(≧∇≦o). This almost a perfect recreation of what I wish for my retirement.*