Hi HI Y’all!
Here is Day 3 of Fan Fiction updates!
Enjoy, the updates !!!
Hi Hi Y’all
As promised, here is the next flood of updates for the fan fiction/ web novels on the site.
Orginal artwork from the amazon @Eymbeeyo will be on that series page soon!
Hi Hi Y’all,
I know more and more I talk about chronic illness. It’s not meant to just be a purge, a kvetch or a notice for recognition. Lately, my flare up have just been getting worse and longer. All the advice doctors gave and the awkward hard to explain moments just seem worse. More then ever, I am just tired. So very tired…
A friend of mine is coming up to visit me in April and I am so excited to have someone see where I go to University and be an understanding friend. I had been debating when ( and more importantly) where to get a back tattoo I have always wanted.
When I was a kid I was obsessed with Yakuza movies, samurai movies and ronin movies. I loved the traditional colorful tattoos on them and the values that seemed to come with them. As I got older, learned more about what it meant and how it was perceived I didn’t want such a large piece anymore. For awhile, I thought about abandoning the idea completely.
Then I got my diagnosis and I started to reconsider. What eventually solidified the desire to get the tattoo was this increasing problems. My drugs are increasing and surgeries that seemed far off seem sooner and sooner. More and more I feel like I am missing out and that I’ll miss out on things even more in the future. Weighed down by everything around me and having it all be unseen is taking a bigger toll on me. I can do less then I used to at the moment and no one really sees it or understands it. More and more I have to come to terms with being seen by the average person as a ‘disappointment’.
It’s these things that make me stop caring about some of the things I used to. If I feel like life is short and changing so much for me I have to at least do the things I enjoy? A giant back tattoo or some crazy visual representation of all my problems probably won’t do much for me, but that doesn’t mean I can’t stick to aesthetic and feel as if I did something to show it.
My back has two curves and a tiny hump on my neck. At the top of my spine there are signs of bones thinning and possibly going to fade away. As you got to the bottom of my spine fusing has started, my hips are out of place and my legs are now two different lengths. None of this can be seen or understood unless I give up and say I want to walk around like Quasimodo so people notice me. That is always going to be the reality of my back. Anything from now on won’t be seen.
I like small minuscule and thin lined tattoos. Normally, I don’t want color and just want simple black. I’ve known since I was small I would want tattoos that represented ideas that meant a lot to me in life. Knowing this it isn’t hard for me to know what sort of tattoo I’d get on my back.
At the top of my neck, I would want in thin black lines Vegvisir. Vegvisir is one of the most popular Nordic charms. It wishes for the person to never lose their way in storm and bad weather even if the path is unknown. I don’t think there is anything more symbolic of everything going on then that. However, there is one more reason. My great grandma’s mother was a Swedish Orphan. She had come to the U.K. and met a Spanish Jew. They married and moved to the U.S. Apparently, unlike her husband and the efforts she put into now being Jewish and raising Jewish kids she never gave up her belief system. She was very very very Christian. I’m talking crosses and bloody Jesus pictures everywhere sort of Christian. Yet, there was one thing that my great grandma remembered seeing even when she didn’t know the name of it until I told her: Vegvisir. In a legacy where only food and some old myths managed to be passed down, my great grandma could vaguely in her dying times remember seeing Vegvisir as a child. Now how could I argue with that? Jewish or not, my great grandma read me Nordic myths as I was growing up, joked how if it was true Odin was 100% cooler than Zeus, and how we were meant to be tough because it was just in our blood. I’m traveling rough waters right now and maybe that means it isn’t just about being Jewish, but remembering all beliefs that helped create me.
Underneath Vegvisir is the real highlight though. Running in small thin lines will be the I Ching and its 64 changes. For a person of my aesthetic and weirdness (and love for Asian culture) what is better then 64 line patterns each symbolizing a different part of early understanding and divination? Nothing. Seriously, nothing at all. My life is certainly one of change and phases, of fortunes and dis-fortunes, and of joy and sadness. These line patterns will follow the crooked path my spine takes all the way to my tailbone. Maybe it will seem funny to some, but to me it’s a little part of the truth. And when these inevitable surgeries come, the scars appear on my back and the fight through new types of pain begins, I have marks of it all. Little lines that exist as part of scars and as part of the journey.
Going through all of this has taught me that living behind a mask is no longer something I’ll really be good at again. My body demands of me the truth. It demands that I grow past the angry cynical jaded girl I was when I was young and try to find the joy of life. It tells me that it will not tolerate lies and will only tolerate truth.
Don’t I have to do it then?
P.S. Odin really is way better. Norse > Greek everyday <3
I had just finished locking up the store I work out at night and I was passing the collection of fellow students in the lobby of my building. They were dressed up for no reason, laughing, chatting, and wondering what last minute plans they should make. For the first time in awhile I wondered if I was missing out.
I spend a lot of time trying to remind myself of the positives that have come with my life changing so drastically and so quickly. I have grown up, became a more understanding person, learned a new sort of strength, learned to love myself, learned to take it slow and learned to to speak out when I feel like someone should. I do all of this because it’s too easy to get pulled into the bad. No one wants to get stuck in a swamp of negativity.
However, I don’t think I am reminded of the bad. Maybe, I think I am reminded of the sad part of nostalgia. When I see them I am reminded of how I remember being. There were a lot less fears and a lot more risks for the joy of adventure. I could stay up as late and as far as I needed too to keep the thrill of it all going. Everything around me I wanted to experience. It’s so different to how I am now.
Now, I am a person who fights anxiety and fears about leaving my home to be a part of the world again. I am a person who makes lists on what I’ll need and where I can find things in case of an emergency. The odds are weighed before every move I make because it feels like that is the only way I can live. The silly little things I used to laugh about feel like scheduled in hassles.
I have gotten over not being able to remember how I used to be. It’s natural for people to change. Seeing people my age though like that reminds me of parts of myself I didn’t know I missed. I never thought I would miss being foolish, or jumping before I looked where I was going, or making mistakes because I had no idea what was going on or loving to be outdoors to feel the wind on my skin. I was someone who wanted to experience it all and dreamed of going everywhere. When did this change? When did I think that it was okay?
I know I am a different person and that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Seeing them though reminds that I have let myself miss out. I have become so wrapped up in trying to stay on task, do things well and manage the unmanageable illness that I forgot to just do the things I like about life. I’ve been forgetting to live. I was letting the pain get to me more then I realized.
I think next weekend I am going to go to archery. Maybe I’ll go to the dog park near my apartment or to a cat cafe in the city. Maybe I’ll even just go for a walk.
I think we need to enjoy life again. What’s the point of being a warrior unless you are fighting for what you enjoy?
Hi Hi Y’all,
I’ve been feeling really hard core super down the last two days for reasons I AIN’T GOING TO MENTION SO GET OVER IT! But, life has to keep moving so here’s some updates.
Just for the next few days I’m only accepting positive comments or I’m deleting them. I just need happiness and goodness for a bit.
Still Love Y’all,
Let me just say this y’all:
I forgot how tiring it is to be on the grind…. or even attempting to be.
I went from having no work to do and just dealing with life frustrations to having to deal with life frustrations, a shit ton of work and attempts to be on my own work spree. FINALLY, I have managed to push through enough of it to post some stuff again. Hopefully, I won’t be to tired after tomorrow’s PR event to add all the drafts I have on the site up.
Item #1 : WOROOOOORORORORORORLLLDLDLDLD CUP
I was rooting for Croatia…. I put money on Croatia…. The match against France was so sad. France was so hungry for it and Croatia just seemed beat up and tired…. After so many days of pushing myself and making sure I was still up to watch the game at one in the morning… can I even call that a good game?
Item #2 : Stepping on up this fashion game of mine
It is no secret that after dealing with my chronic health issues I have 100% revereted into complete comfy clothes is my entire life fashion style. But it may be a secret to some people that there are a select few times were I look at fashionable people with a little bit of envy. I want the confidence to try a whole bunch of styles. I want to walk out with more than sweats and jeans sometimes and be comfortable in my own skin. Shanghai is a blessing for this in a way. Being here is not only inspirational – almost everyone you see loves fashion, from all over the world and decades- but motivational. I am remembering what it is like to want to do my hair and make up if only a little. Some pain is worth it sometimes. If the day isn’t that bad I don’t have to be rocking sweat pants.
Just a quick introduction is all…
This may come as a shocker to most people, but I am decent with money. Well, the majority of the parts of it. I am great at saving it, investing it, drawing bottom lines of it or finding deals with it. However, I am not that adept at earning it. I don’t know whether you would say it is a lack of trade skills, resolution or work ethic, but I prefer to call it just a weird dissemblance in natural ability/luck.
However, I now find myself in a sticky situation. All I have is international credit cards and no way to really get cash in China (as in a steady stream of it in a reliable easy way). The reason why? I didn’t prepare enough… I mean don’t get me wrong, I did. Prepareth I have done.
The problem is there was so many other bigger reasons for me to cripple to my anxiety with that I forgot to do the important parts of the preparing for China. (1) I forgot to remind my mom that I can’t use an international card for everything and that means I’ll need cash in our joint account. (2) I forgot that I can’t rely on my mom 100%…
I’m not trying to be mean here, I’m just saying the fault is mine. I was curled up and ridden with anxiety about the stuff that seemed big and world ending that I forgot to secure the details… I forgot that I have to be almost completely independent in China and that asking for help can be too much for mom to handle at times…or my grandparents (for the different reasons that they).
Maybe, in a funny way again going to China has made me like a kid again – the closest I could ever get with my old old soul.
Now, I just need to find some money….since I can’t survive a 2nd day on RMB15….
p.s. I am already huuunnggrrrryyy
Let me just say this y’all,
Disney magic always comes with a price…
That being said, I was certainly not expecting to pay this certain toll fee…fees. Ugh, for the love of all that is holy some people can really just act like complete trash. Here’s the Disney scented Tea:
(1) Woke up at 5:30 in the morning, after not being able to sleep till 2:00 am, to be able to take the metro over to the hotel the group I was going with was staying. (2) Besides, the one who works with me the entire group decided they wanted to leave an hour later and didn’t want to tell us till morning of… They were still late. (3) We finally get there and then we have security issues. Two of the boys need to buy their tickets at the gate but get stopped by the local security for trying to sneak in RMB15 alcohol into the park. That’s about 2.20$ they didn’t want to give up…at a children’s park. Then the two other girls didn’t know how to pick up tickets, so we had to take extra time to collect theirs…but the worst part comes next. (4) when my friend and I left to pick up my DAS pass (Disability Access Service- which is a lifesaver and amazing) they walked off. Not once did they respond to our Wechat messages about where they were. (5) We were polite enough to let them know we were thinking about leaving about an hour and a half before the park closes. They asked to wait an hour. (6) When the hour was up they said we had to hurry up to the front of the park (we were all the way at the back of the park)…. If you have any chronic illness or have ever done a full day at Disney you should know hurry up doesn’t happen at that point. There is just exhaustion. (7) THOSE CUNTS LEFT WITHOUT US. DIDN’T EVEN SAY ANYTHING ABOUT IT AFTER 30+ MINUTES OF LOOKING FOR THEM AND WECHAT SPAMMING……
Y’all I am not that nice of a person. Especially when I am tired and cranky. I will probably fuck you up….
Lucky for the assholes we went with, after thanking G-d for one of us having enough cash to pay for a taxi home, finding a taxi home, finding a Starbucks that takes international cards and meeting a cute Chinese couple we got our butts home. The little bitches are very lucky…. They only got away with one polite message from me about their trash like behavior due to my companions uneasiness with speaking her feelings.
I hate trash like human beings…
P.s. Disney Shanghai was AMAZING. I had fun the entire day despite rude people. I would be glad to give y’all a list of recommendations if you want for another time.
^the best version^
Dear All Y’all,
Gosh I have just been so bad lately at all of this haven’t I? Been getting sick, caught up in my feelings, or down on myself. Shoot, even now I am all of those things. In fact, I am currently staring out my apartment, at the little bit of Shanghai I can see, wondering how on Earth I could both get sick right before I was supposed to be at Disney or how- out of all my medications- I end up taking not enough anti-depressants…. Yea, definitely still in my normal heap of problems.
I will say this though…After being publicly sick for a few days and wondering how I haven’t ended up on Weibo yet I have come to a decision. I need to start struggling a little more again. The sort of struggling from trying to do things not just by existing.
That being said. Yes. I will be writing everyday, or doing something productive everyday even if it kills me. I got to get back to finding out who I am now and living a little.
P.s. Working at a magazine company has cleared up a few logistical things for me on online web publication so format changes will be going on to find out how to properly credit everyone and so forth~