Why Things Never Seem To Stay On Track With My Mother :

Let me say this, I love my mom. And I’ll say that as many times as I need to so it could be understood.

HOWEVER

Our relationship is always this up and down roller coaster I’d rather not have chosen for myself.

The problem is it always feels like I am giving 80% of the effort to adjust or change a behavior to make the other person happy. That’s why all those good intentions and feelings she have always fall short. Especially, when I was younger.

Things have been better between us the last year and I honestly think it is because I have done a lot of growing up on my own over the last few years. Growing out of the childhood phase and into a more adulthood one means I’ve developed better control over how I process and unleash my feelings on her.

But something she said tonight is just one of those clear triggers that can undo years of progress: you may have to give up school for a year.

I had to say goodbye immediately out of not knowing what I would say. Because I have worked SO HARD to be where I am in life. SO FUCKING HARD. And I’m not going to even go into to it here because I don’t even know how to.

BUT I HAVE TO AT LEAST SAY WHAT WAS SAID TO SOMEONE IN SOME FORUM. 

Because I am so scared of bottling these feelings inside me when I am still off my medication. I am so scared that these words came at a time when I am using all of my will power to remind myself how hard I’ve worked to get to where I am and how happy and proud of myself I should be.

It’s so hard for me to recognize that I am a person who wants to be alive because they can live for things sometimes and this is just comes rolling off a tongue so easily. Without even a consideration to the effort I put in to just waking up and not thinking it’s okay if I die today.

I love my mom but I also have times I really fucking hate her.

I.L. Knight

[ Confessions of a Teenage Poet ]

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Alyssa Lies _ Emily Osment

Reaching Out :

Hi Hi Y’all,

I got to say it’s a weird feeling when you don’t have hope towards something but receiving a normal action still somehow gives you that feeling of disappointment.

My family has no idea how bad I recently got and I wasn’t planning on telling them. However, I was just in the mood today were I needed to talk. That’s all.

But as usual the second I called my mom all I heard was her problems. Her dissatisfaction with the rest of the family and what went wrong with her day.

I mean it’s not something that’s a big deal or should be. It just feels systematic I guess? Heavy on my shoulders and back.

Physically, I can feel my spine collapsing even more into me and myself hunching over. In all of these cases, never once has she ever asked how I am. Even if I texted her before something like ‘I want to go home.’

I’m not … or was expecting anything, but I don’t know why there’s still a part of me that feels that hurt every time. A small voice that always seems to sigh out,

“What about me?”

I.L. Knight

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Somewhere I Belong – Linkin Park

Common Traits With Mental Patients :

Hi Hi Y’all~

Do you know it is common behavior for those in/out of mental health facilities to have developed habits of organization or habitual scheduling (At least those are my current words to describe it at the moment)?

I always saw it as an attempt to keep order and control within the chaos of feelings and emotions.

I don’t know if I ‘m right. I am by no means and expert or consulted one about it.

I can tell you that if this is true than I’m doing something similar to them.

I’m looking for order and control.

Since I will be off my mental health medication for an even longer amount of time I have to use the spur of clarity to form direction and purpose. In a controlled manner.

I have decided to focus on my site and the small projects I had on the side lines in order to help me stay organized until I can get back on medication. That means….

IT’S GOING TO BE AN UPDATE BANZAI FOR 2 MONTHS~

Look forward to it y’all! All those little tiny side projects and cute things that could make everything better has been pushed to the front of my agenda !

Hope you enjoy them all,

I.L. Knight

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Work From Home – Fifth Harmony

 

Random Lyrics, Poems & Words :

Hi HI Y’all,

I’m just thinking about some random lines that appeared in my head. They had this soft hum I haven’t thought of.

I wonder what they know?

I wonder what they see?

Is it the tares in me?

Why do I feel so low?

Why do I feel

Why do I feel

Why do I feel

I feel

 

I feel so low

I don’t know guys? Just some random words set to a random tune in my head.

I.L. Knight

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Falling Away From Me – Korn

June Writing Mini-Camp: Day 19

Hi Hi Y’all!

Since, this is my first writing camp I haven’t really had it planned well. BUT I AM FIXING IT NOW! Until, the end of June I will have a post a daily reminder of the monthly camp and a day challenge to keep yourself going!

Day 19:

Reach out to any of fellow writer’s you know and check in! Tell them about your WIP and what it inspires in you.

I.L. Knight

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The Golden Girls Theme Song

Time Management Problems :

Hi Hi Y’all,

I am sitting here in the laundry room, trying to multi-task, and decide how I should fix my recently worse than normal time management problems. I find the fact that an annoying building resident has decided to open and spread out three bags of laundry over the table I am sitting at a highly distracted and detractor in this mission of mine. Never the less, I shall work my hardest to execute a decent and productive plan for the rest of my summer and its expected achievements. Let us begin with the goals, shall we:

  1. Finish the updated Chronicles: A Tale of Shadow & Light
  2. Have the print version out sometime within June
  3. Publish the ebook version of my poetry book, Confessions of a Teenage Poet out within a month’s time.
  4. Begin a steady schedule of Podcast episodes
  5. Since once a day doesn’t seem to be happening, at least three blog posts a week with a hopeful set days for each
  6. Steady and predicably timed updates of Fan Fiction & an increase of Fan Portal chapters
  7. Major desired updates of all my sites
  8. The introduction of a proper beginning of my publication house, Knights Publications
  9. The completed draft of the web novel series, made with the brilliant outremusings, H x E Volume 1
  10. Lose at least 20 lbs
  11. Get a B- in my Japanese course and return in a semi-successful manner to a McGill student.
  12. If I have extra money, and possibly raised my credit score, I would love to finally get beginning level decent equipment so I can start streaming again.
  13. Finish copyrighting all of my works and tittles
  14. Becoming even more organized within my life and increasing my adorable DIY projects
  15. Save money for a trip either this upcoming winter break or next summer
  16. Hold my first meet & greet or book launch party in Montreal/ get in more book stores as a ‘local author’ ; possibly without the need to dress up and present myself as the stereotypical image of an ‘indie’ author.
  17. To work on my efforts towards friendships and going out. My penssion for social isolation does unsubjectively need to be corrected.
  18. To increase the time and attention I put towards taking care of my mind and body’s health.
  19. To challenge myself to not only dress up in nicer clothes but the clothes I always wanted to wear and was too scared to before.
  20. TO KICK ASS AND LOVE MYSELF.

So, we can break down a few of these I think. The first is a simple explanation of the draft site The Crows Nest Co (Co as the regular site was already taken by some bastard who was considerably inconsiderate of my personal affairs). My podcast is amply named the Crows Nest as to highlight my peculiar and quirky nature. As for themes and topics, season one is set to be a mixed bag of testing material. Not too complicated at the moment. The next break downs I believe would then be my fan fiction page and my fan portal page. I seriously need to keep up with the random requests for a steady schedule of star trek and harry potter based episodes. Further, I would like to increase my pretty much finished 8-9 Volumes of the Maou-sama no Machizukuri! ~Saikyou no Danjon wa Kindai Toshi~ . Next, I would like the catch up of my Marvel and DC related stories and images. They seem to catch quite some attention and I have both fear and hopes for their possible attention by the respected comic companies. Next, I think I have failed at properly showing the support and love towards Chinese web novels such as Against the Gods, Douluo Dalu, Tales of Demons and Gods and 1/2 Prince. Lastly, to focus on the updates of Hakai no Miko, Overlord, Re: Monster in my sites series updates (possible Shadow Hunters as well due to its rising popularity). While, my fan portal just needs an increase of my lovely tender fans not only commenting on my site and social media more but asking for such works.

The only thing I wish to break down is the works of @Outremusings. She is a frequent co-author on web novel series and fan fiction series such as: Star Trek, Hp 1, Hp 2, H x E and AHS. In addition, I have the honor of featuring on her new podcast series and promote her new website, undisclosedmusings.com.

As for these goals, if you have any questions, comments or concerns let me know. Because, trust me, I have a shit ton of them myself.

I.L. Knight

P.s. I also really need to figure out previous page and next page options don’t I?

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She Works Hard For The Money – Donna Summer

Why Things Have Been Like They Are :

Hi Hi y’all!

You know sometimes I feel like the Queen of Excuses. It’s not that I mean to be really. I am very aware I have a natural born trait to resist ownership and responsibility and thus it needs to be managed… I guess, the thing is I always feel like I owe an explanation. That is probably due to a whole crapload of childhood trauma and shitty insecurities but that’s not really important here. What’s important is not only do I cripple myself but I cripple the relationships I have with others by being shitty with follow throughs and commitments.

I think, for awhile, this will hopefully be my last explanation:

More and more I have been taking both more frequent and longer absences. Part of it is due to health. I can’t say anything more than learning to live a life with a chronic illness seems to be a forever challenge. The ups are high and the downs are low. Dealing with being in my 20s and being bipolar along with it just seems to be this almost immeasurable task.

However, there are two bigger stressors in my life than even my health problems: school and family.

When I graduated high school university was this magical thing I was heading too. It was a place where I’d have everything I ever wanted and be an ambitious bad ass semi adult. I mean reality does kick in, challenges do present themselves and you do eventually become an adult. Going to the challenging school wasn’t what I thought it to be. Looking back, as thankful as I am for the lessons it’s taught me, I don’t think McGill was the university for me. It doesn’t flex to those who need flexibility. How smart I thought I was doesn’t matter in the end if I can’t handle the lifestyle of a proper student. I’ve always had a major thing about failure and learning to live that failure is okay in a high paced environment with many geniuses KILLS a soul. Everything school related becomes so much more emotionally and time wise to me.

Honestly, just sitting here waiting for my grades and taking my first test of the summer session has me dying in agony…

The second reason is of course family. I mean… guys. We all know I have family problems. However, lately I can’t help growing more and more annoyed. I am incessantly put in a position where, even when they say no, I have to end up as the family manager from another country. Things had gotten so bad my grandparents were preceding with divorce options (instead of just shouting about it) and still they do nothing. AND YOU KNOW WHY WE GOT THERE!

We got to that because my Aunt who lives with them bought a new house and didn’t want to move out her old furniture…. The same furniture that is representative of a ten year hoarding habit that has infuriated my grandma to no ends. The only funny side note is that she’s moving from there house to a house two miles up the road and three doors down from my mom’s house.

People in my family, I swear, do not actually separate from the uterus.

That drama cost me 4-5 days of major anxiety, panic attacks and being the only one who calms down my grandma.

Family is too difficult sometimes.

Anyways, today is part 2 of my first summer session exam. I have recommitted to yoga and started to seriously meditate again.

Hopefully, I can remain calm enough to get shit done for y’all~

I.L. Knight

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Family Portrait – P!nk

Life Updates & Story Ideas:

Hi hi y’all,

I was sitting at my computer and was dying in the agony of having nothing to watch when the odd suggestion of Blood Ties came across my screening. I’m not going to lie, after binging the two seasons I have many comments. Is this a 90s show? It feels SUPER 90s. Why is the tension between Henry and Vicki written so awkwardly but still makes me rage about them not having SEX yet! Henry was objectively (even with awkward lines and plots) very yummy. Also why is your relationship with Mike so awkward? Will his new female partner learn the truth and handle it without trying to kill Henry like he did? Or Vicki? Why does Coreen have such awful taste and horrible luck with men? Again, I’d take a Henry.

But, it is more important to push these aside for a moment and remember that when it comes to me and dead/dying shows I immediately wonder about remakes. If I was to resurrect Blood Ties then what should be done?

Here is my rough remake version for 2019 peeps:

(1) Change Vicki to be a uni student that has a dead family member who was a cop. Have her going blind become a more prominent point in the series since TV has started to FINALLY get a bit better about showcasing that.

(2) Make Mike be an older childhood friend who is already a well known or great young cop.

(3) Coreen should be younger and less super goth looking. This isn’t 90s cliche moments.

(4) Keeping Henry as he was is fine just give him better lines.

(5) Just in general be better about plot. The monsters and flow got a bit… WEIRD towards the end.

BUT NONE OF THIS MATTERS SINCE I JUST REMEMBERED IT’S BASED OFF A BOOK. Oh well~

Moving on, I also recently saw Shazam. It was good. The flaws were covered up by the fact that having a good DC movie in awhile was a shock, having an actor who played a child well instead of being weird, a well assembled support cast and the hint of the SHAZAM FAMILY AT THE END!

That also got me thinking… I need to be better about my writings (time was, commitment wise and aspiration wise).

One day I don’t want to just see my books on shelves, but TV shows I’ve made or movies I’ve helped write. I want to stand as a creator that excels in their craft.

Soooooo….Basically….I guess I’m saying… I’m back?

I.L. Knight

P.s. buy my web novel (https://www.amazon.com/Tale-Shadow-Light-Chronicles-ebook/dp/B07L5F6DXZ) please?

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DARKNESS – Ultimate Epic Music

 

 

*** Cover done by SD09 ***

Mass Fan Fiction Updates Continue :

Hi Hi Y’all

As promised, here is the next flood of updates for the fan fiction/ web novels on the site.

Harry Potter: Reformated + addition of three new character profiles -> Autumn & Mina , The Beauty & The Crow / The Story Of Dragons

Chapter 2 in the new Legend Series !

The Originals: Reformatted the messy draft to give you a proper Chapter 1

AND

Orginal artwork from the amazon @Eymbeeyo will be on that series page soon!

LASTLY

An idea for a web novel has been updated on the site: The Otherworld Crazed Witch Isn’t Crazed At All with its first Chapter!

I.L. Knight

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Wolves – Selena Gomez