Why Things Never Seem To Stay On Track With My Mother :

Let me say this, I love my mom. And I’ll say that as many times as I need to so it could be understood.

HOWEVER

Our relationship is always this up and down roller coaster I’d rather not have chosen for myself.

The problem is it always feels like I am giving 80% of the effort to adjust or change a behavior to make the other person happy. That’s why all those good intentions and feelings she have always fall short. Especially, when I was younger.

Things have been better between us the last year and I honestly think it is because I have done a lot of growing up on my own over the last few years. Growing out of the childhood phase and into a more adulthood one means I’ve developed better control over how I process and unleash my feelings on her.

But something she said tonight is just one of those clear triggers that can undo years of progress: you may have to give up school for a year.

I had to say goodbye immediately out of not knowing what I would say. Because I have worked SO HARD to be where I am in life. SO FUCKING HARD. And I’m not going to even go into to it here because I don’t even know how to.

BUT I HAVE TO AT LEAST SAY WHAT WAS SAID TO SOMEONE IN SOME FORUM. 

Because I am so scared of bottling these feelings inside me when I am still off my medication. I am so scared that these words came at a time when I am using all of my will power to remind myself how hard I’ve worked to get to where I am and how happy and proud of myself I should be.

It’s so hard for me to recognize that I am a person who wants to be alive because they can live for things sometimes and this is just comes rolling off a tongue so easily. Without even a consideration to the effort I put in to just waking up and not thinking it’s okay if I die today.

I love my mom but I also have times I really fucking hate her.

I.L. Knight

[ Confessions of a Teenage Poet ]

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Alyssa Lies _ Emily Osment

Common Traits With Mental Patients :

Hi Hi Y’all~

Do you know it is common behavior for those in/out of mental health facilities to have developed habits of organization or habitual scheduling (At least those are my current words to describe it at the moment)?

I always saw it as an attempt to keep order and control within the chaos of feelings and emotions.

I don’t know if I ‘m right. I am by no means and expert or consulted one about it.

I can tell you that if this is true than I’m doing something similar to them.

I’m looking for order and control.

Since I will be off my mental health medication for an even longer amount of time I have to use the spur of clarity to form direction and purpose. In a controlled manner.

I have decided to focus on my site and the small projects I had on the side lines in order to help me stay organized until I can get back on medication. That means….

IT’S GOING TO BE AN UPDATE BANZAI FOR 2 MONTHS~

Look forward to it y’all! All those little tiny side projects and cute things that could make everything better has been pushed to the front of my agenda !

Hope you enjoy them all,

I.L. Knight

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Work From Home – Fifth Harmony