I’m Back (Ish) :

Hi HI Y’all,

I guess I’m starting to step back into what I was doing and aiming to do. My medications were out for over two week and that plus school/family stress turned into an ugly pool of suffering. I mean I basically had my phone off as much as possible and tried to sleep through it as much as possible. BUT, my new medication refill has arrived and the dim light has returned at the end of the tunnel. I am reminded that I have wonderful and caring people in my life. I am reminded that everyone, including me, has a potential and the ability to grow. I am reminded that I too am alive and moving slowly towards a goal. That being said I was wondering what to do or talk about since rejoining the living and breathing society… I decided on D&D.

If you follow anything of mine I am pretty sure you know I love the games- D&D in particular. I was wondering if one day in the future I would add some sort of page with related content on it or have a cool podcast of the sort with it. However, I can’t just start that and jump into it/. Instead, I’d like to just introduce some of the characters I’ve used lately (some of their images and who drew them will be on my Instagram if you wish to see).

Current Main: Glasha – 1/2 Orc Druid with a Pet Spider named Muk

Recent One Shot: Paisley – Gnome Sorcerer that takes a bit of everything and is chaotic evil(ish)

Soon To Be 2nd Campaign Of The Season: Tecumseh – Feral High Elf Ranger with a pet Panther named Pandaros

Hardest Play: Mercy a.k.a Sheriff – a Tiefling warlock with a pair of twin pistols and a bounty on her head

The Begrudgingly Non-Magic Character: Layla Alyndra Van Morgoon – an Aasimar descendant noble fighter

The One Time Only: Zale – the Aarkocra Bard that couldn’t fly because flight rules get annoying…and so was role playing a bard

The Genderbend: Aurwun Kinstalked – the fallen aasimar monk with a sketchy past and a loner disposition

As you can see, I prefer playing non-humans and things with magic. Mostly because HELLO, IN FANTASY WE CAN FINALLY HAVE THIS! Also, I love to play Chaotic Neutral and Lawful Good annoys the SHITE out of me.

However, you can play whatever you want in D&D. That’s part of the beauty of it. If you are a seasoned player or someone interested in learning you can always hit me up here or on Twitter about playing a game. Seriously, I pretty much will always have time for D&D. It heals the soul.

OH, also…I updated the RWBY Fan Fic page. I promise to actually return, fix up and add to some of the older Fan Fiction. It isn’t fair for me to keep all of it trapped in my own head.

I.L. Knight

54be4369007310afd450f83033623c1c

Dnd Beyond Official Theme

Cold & Updates :

Hi Hi Y’all…

*cough cough*

Yea, I have been sick lately. The worst cold EVER. My voice has been up and down and my ability to function seems to fluctuate. BUT, I have pushed through to use all my energy to finish some content.

So, here we go with the updated Fan Fiction:

American Horror Story

Harry Potter

Star Trek

Maou-sama no Machizukuri! ~Saikyou no Danjon wa Kindai Toshi~

NEWLY ADDED:

1/2 Prince

That’s all for now. I promise to try and return to the outside world as soon as possible.

Oh, actually, also I made a practice bullet journal. People seem to really say it helps with organization so let’s make a practice one to see if it helps…

I.L. Knight

P.S, does anyone know how to add previous/next page options on here?

151af81cef118ba18d1d4f057f9c431f

Sing Me A Love Song – 1/2 Prince

Sometimes I Think :

Sometimes I think life is a balancing act. But not the neat kind you see in movies, tvs or what you can imagine. It’s the messy, frustrating and lack of ever just having a moment of balance kind. Maybe I should say instead that life is like a tightrope, just no net or pretty other side.

Sometimes I think about everything that makes up my life… and by sometimes I mean all the time. There’s my family. These insane people that I fight going back and forth from hate to love. This crazy thing in my life that has me permanently walking this line of doom. I mean they’ve fucked me up, so bad. Trying to have conversations about it has proven to be impossible. They just don’t get it or can’t have it. I still haven’t figured out which one it is. All I know is how bad they’ve fucked me up and how much I still love them. It feels like I’m always going to love cutting myself. Everyone around you knows it’s bad and you should stop it…but the pain…the pain is just something else outside of it all. That’s my family in my life. My grandma who needs medication and therapy, but loves way too hard. My grandfather who can’t handle anything emotional, so just pushes it away for logical judgement and brief moments of sadness and rage. My Aunt who tries so hard I wonder why she does and also half the time thinks I’m a psychopath. My baby cousin who already at seven reminds me of the mean girls in high school that had made me hate my life. My mother… my mother who breaks me down still at this age and sums it all up as I’m the broken monster in her life.

Then there’s my friends. That’s a whole ‘nother mess of complications. I’m either choosing to stay close to people who I know will respect my boundaries and stay in okay distances or I’m too emotionally attached to the idea of the friendship to do anything I should do in it. I just… I don’t know how to have healthy connections with people. I never grew up with it, and the more I try this later in life learning crap the more I think wtf I’m forever bad it. It’s like there will always be some wall or disconnect I have with people and I don’t understand why. why can’t I do that final plug in with the world.  And even on a smaller scale I have issues on making decisions when it comes to people. Just right now I’m struggling with what to say to a friend. I’ve wanted her to visit so long and she finally has…but with her bf? Fuck, I don’t even know if I have the right to be upset about it. But I am. And that could be part bf or part my other mental crap.

And there’s a lot of mental crap. I mean forget getting fucked up by all them bitches growing up. Forget child abuse, rape, molestation, bullying, isolation…. you can throw that all aside.  There’s still being bipolar, depressed, anxious, insomniac, etc… Every year the list I get gets longer and my medications get higher in dose. Hey, by the way did I ever mention: I have a chronic problem of seeing dead children at night? You can ask my mother. For many reasons I don’t want to disclose we slept in the same bed till I was 18 and leaving for university. I’m totally not mentally fucked up.

And now I’m physically fucked up. I mean literally my body is trying to make me live a long painful life instead of just killing me. Arthritis, Ankylosing Spondylitis, Fibromyalgia and a shit ton of genes that mean I’ll probably one day have more when they decide to wake up and make me miserable. I mean not being able to walk stuck in bed with craploads of pain and an hyper bipolar mind is a beautiful thing to do to someone. Oh, and lets throw in brain fog to make them be insecure about the one thing they were good at: being smart.

I hate my life, so fucking much. I spend all my time trying to fake my way into happiness because hey eventually I’ll get there. I won’t be lonely. I won’t thing a dog is a solution to all my current problems and I won’t have to stop myself from getting low enough I wonder if it would be too messy to just simply walk in front of a car. Or worry about if I should burden my friends with these thoughts or continue to play I’m killing it game.

I mean…. how do you say to people you are hate your life and you never think that’s going to change. That you are passed fear and into acceptance that you will never be married or have children because you’ll never be able to have a one. How do you tell people that when the rage and mask finally fell the only thing left of you is endless tears and this broken shell.

I am so broken. So fucked up. I honestly don’t even know why I am still here. What is even the point of me?

Sometimes I think I’m a cliche, or just some bad joke.

I.L. Knight

f7a3de3b93ad32f6ea711cdb8366f30b

Boulevard Of Broken Dreams – Greenday

Semi – Productive When Sick :

Hi Hi Y’all…

*cough cough*

So, I am super sick today and have not left bed. BUT I tried to be productive about uploading to make up for things. Here is an update flood!

First, we have three new chapter of American Horror Story Fan Fiction!

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Second, we have an old long poem I forgot to add to the site!

The Pyre

Third, we have a chapter update for my Marvel House of M Reprise.

Marvel Chapter 4

Lastly, we have my first drafts of the first three chapters of my Originals Fan Fiction.

Chapters 1 2 3

That’s probably, most likely, maybe, going to be the most you get out of me this weekend.

*Cough Cough*

I.L. Knight

1_uHh9q6or2lXwLtde0VjZdA

Alone – Marshmello

Another E :

Hi Hi Y’all!

So, Part of me in the back of my head is being all like BOOO,YOU SUCK. YOU’RE BEHIND! YOU ARE SUCH A LOSER. WHY CAN’T YOU DO ANYTHING RIGHT! MY GOSH. HAVE YOU EVEN LOOKED IN THE MIRROR!

But… none of that matters today, because I’ve got multiple concept art sketches ( oops spoiler~) and…

HOLY FUCKING JESUS CHRIST…MUHAMMAD…EVERYONE! THEY LOOK SO FUCKING FANTASTIC! CAN’T HELP BUT BALL MY EYES OUT AND GO FULL ON SNOT MODE!

NOT ONLY AM I FINALLY CONCURRING MY FEARS AND HAVE A BOOK OUT ANUARY 1 (which you can pre-order now on Amazon by the way~) BUUUT EVERYTHING ELSE IS STARTING TO BECOME PROFESSIONAL AND UNIQUELY MINE!

This website is a huge part of my life. It not only brought me back from the edge of some very dark places, but continues to help me have hope and joy for what I will do in the future.

Guys, I feel so happy. I  feel so genuinely fucking happy.

Fuck.Fuck.Fuck.Shit.Cock.Mother Fucking. Aggggggh.

I am growing you guys….

I think I’m  becoming me.

drawn-smile-male-anime-8

Hallelujah – Jeff Buckley

Side Note – Where I’m At :

What a few days it’s been. There is so much I want to say, get off my chest. First off, I want to say I am thankful for my friends. To use one of my friends words: “I’ve been burned by a lot of people, and now I shy away from people, because ‘people are crazy’.” It’s a good description that sometimes you need to hear from someone else. These are the friends I am thankful for. Because, they’ll say something like this when they know my anti-depressants are starting ware off or just if I need to hear it.

And I’ve been needing to hear it.

For one, there’s this boy. This innocent, kind, naive adorable boy. He legitimately likes me and is eager to get to know me. But whether its genuine me or genuine insecurities that wonderfully kind boy so soon has become someone that is boring to me. And I stay with it, not wanting anything serious, but allowing this poor boy to care. It’s a new comfortable warmth. I like it. And I know that makes me a bad person, but I like having someone for the first time in my life that is like eager to get to know me and be there for me. So, I have to face that soon.

Then there’s my health. It’s like in the last two months I have a basically constant flare up. Like FUCK MAN. Every time I feel good life has to be like here’s your weekly reminder of pain, pain and more pain. I’m so sick of it. I feel like every time I start to move past my rage phase some flare up happens and I get angry all over again. It’s just not something I know how to move past. How am I supposed to survive with a body that literally hates itself and is attacking me. And my mind! I have to manage all the pain, lack of mobility, and anxiety it causes with being  manic-depressive already. I’ve fought my depressing cynical nature since I was a child. It’s always been a struggle for me to not be the sort of person who would be numb as the world ended up dying in flames. Now, I have to manage anxiety attacks and even more loathsome self image! I mean come on. How am I expected to be a fully functioning adult here. Scratch that, how am I expected to be a semi functioning human.

Will my service dog applications really help me as much as I hope it will!

Then there’s my mom. My lovely, but bat shit insane mother. All of her pain and insecurities are just thrust out at level 10 viciousness at me so much. It was so bad the last few days I actually shut down from a panic attack. I couldn’t move for over an hour. There was just shaking and panic. After it, I was even shut down the rest of the night because the stress caused a fever and more inflammation.  It’s like all my family issues, especially the ones with my mom, are being thrust at me like some world ending spear.

A semi alive state of either sleeping too much, or not sleeping at all.

Then there’s my new fond fleeting hope that returning to acupuncture once a week may help manage all of this extra pain. Of course, I have to deal with everyone telling me that a legitimate medical practice is equal to a shaman convincing you to enjoy shoving needles into yourself.

Gah! I’m also like so lonely and need to start working again, so I can afford to be at the school I don’t even want to be at. WHY DO I NOT HAVE MONEY. WHY IS THE WORLD SOOOOO…. ugh. You know, I really do work hard. I wish sometimes there was a better more immediate pay off.

Oh. Some good news! A new web novel series has been added to my site. It’s called World Conquering Dungeon! The Prologue is up, so check it out!

Thank Y’all for reading,

I.L. Knight

service-dog-registration-services-300x246

These Times – SafetySuit

 

NANO WRIMO 2018 … HERE IT IS :

Hi Hi Y’all!

As I’ve told quite a few of you (if you follow my twitter) I am a part of this years NANO WRIMO 2018! However, I haven’t used an official account or anything…even really did the strict daily goals… because my health has dipped right before. NANO is a wonderful tool and course to strictly follow for writers, but health concerns do come first. Which is why I am doing an informal NANO for myself.

My project for this year is allowing myself to finish the publication process of my debut novella Chronicles: A Tale of Shadow and Light. The teaser will be released Next Wednesday for sure, so look forward to it! As for the novella itself, it is completely done! All it needs is one final look over, me to choose a book cover and it will be available on Amazon in the coming weeks.

If that is accomplished I have a second goal! I want to get the outline for the sequel done- Chronicles: Slaves of Desires and find time to work on the web novels you see on this site!

Web Novels

Outside of just the writings itself, I would like to remind y’all that an awesome writing discord is in the works. The link is below. Please, stop in and join!

https://discord.gg/Yudt66P

This week I will also be updating one chapter of Fan Fiction. It will either be new Marvel character or an update of a current series. Yay for comic books.

I want to thank y’all for taking the time to read this update, and if you have a moment you can go watch me on Sunday mornings stream Smite, or spare a dollar to help out at my Patreon!

Thanks for everything,

I.L. Knight

nanowrimo-508x300

Born Ready – Dove Cameron

An Update :

I know it seems like I share a lot. I know I do. However, it’s naive to think a person shares everything. We always hold things back. We all have things so tightly locked to our idea of ourselves even we who make a living as one who shares does not part with it.

I guess I need to share a bit of my soul today. It’s about time to start doing that again…

Here goes:

This morning, I woke up delighted to remember that the first thing I had to do this morning was an AHS RP reply to my friend. It’s been awhile since I’ve felt so delighted. The problem is..everything lately has just felt like I am going through the steps I’m supposed to be taking and seeming happy when I’m not. I’m not sad… I think I am just back to being detached. It feels like I’m not a part of everything around me again. Even though I know that it looks like I am?

It’s like… It’s like the blossoming anxiety I push away everyday has secretly been crippling me even though for every reason in the world it shouldn’t be. I just can’t be happy. I’m just not able to be there.

I’m really thankful for my friends. The ones I RP with. The ones I chat online with and especially, the ones that carry a part of me with them in their daily lives.

Also, thanks for the random mystery of a CROW APPEARING IN THE MIST OF MY MIRROR (Seriously, check out my twitter. it is a spooky calling card)! I am taking the message, okay, life. I am going to be happy. I am going to succeed.

Just an incredibly emotional moment,

I.L. Knight

large

AHS Playlist

It’s Sort Of Funny :

My entire life when it came to my appearance I always wanted one thing: to be thin and pale, the sort of heroine chic one would want to protect. Its funny how life turns out sometimes. It did hand me the sick look, just not the fashion … or weight that came with it. I went from hyper and healthy to sick and overweight. When that irony popped up in my head the other day I couldn’t help but laugh. I got everything I ever wanted…. wanted to be a writer? Could still half ass that? Wanted to own my own business and be successful young? I own something on paper? Wanted to be happy? I finally got half way there? Etc…

Yep. Life, G-d, karma gave me everything I wanted. It’s not a cliche unneeded thing it’s just… a joke. It feels like the things I struggled for are a cosmic joke.

I.L. knight

bw

Courage – Superchick