Sunday Announcement :

Hi Hi Y’all !!!

I have a bunch of news for you! First off I have Fan Fiction Updates ~~~

The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina

The Originals

Next, I have to shout out my girl, Lisa Stapleton. She is going to be the go to blogger for NANO 2018!

https://lisastapletonauthor.wordpress.com/

I will also be doing NANO 2018 and have a discord with a few other writers. It will be as close 24-hrs as possible for all the writers out there so be sure to join at this link below:

htt[s://discord.gg/Yudt66P

As for my other work, all the fun original goodies I am happy to announce the tentative schedule. Next Wednesday I will be releasing a teaser for my debut novella The Chronicles: A Tale of Shadow & Light.

AND that’s not all. Before next Wednesday, for those who keep their eyes on the site, will be the first to see updates on one of my web novel series.

Don’t forget to check out my weekly Sunday, 11am est Smite stream for dropped hints about whats coming in the week! AND PLEASE…

Tenguufeather

If you have a moment or two take the chance to hop on over to my Patreon and help a girl out.

I.L. Knight

Thanks for everything my little lovelies,

I.L. Knight

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Like A Vampire – Catrien Maxwell

 

 

Les Misérables :

I think I was sort of lucky. G-d was giving me a sign I need to put more effort into my social life again. A friend I met a first year, who I haven’t talked in like three years, messaged me to tell me she had an extra Les Miserables ticket and would love to catch up. If that ain’t a sign for something I don’t know. So it was fun. Let’s give a crack of review.

Here are the entire list off the cuff nicknames I have for the first half:

Why You Gotta Mashup

25 sec A Song A Thon

Rush Rush Baby

Character Ain’t Singing That Now

Glee Version

I Am Seriously Not Getting Invested

A Spin On A Classic Ain’t Always Great

We Know Les Mis Is Long. Ain’t Need To Be Short

To put it shortly, as much as it is impossible to do bad at Les Miserables there version stopped me from getting invested in it the way I should. That being said… The second half was completely different. No longer were they shortening songs and trying to only sing parts of songs. We got the full songs. The epic moments of a failed revolution and love…I could finally start getting invested again.

To absolute delight I got my On My Own Moment. It was all I was waiting for the entire night. It has been my favorite song since I was a kid (tied with God Help The Outcast of course). It was also a song I had forbade myself to sing in three years, because of my last memory attached to it. It was an ironically scenic night, a beautiful black lake, a nice open bench, a clear view of a sere starry sky, and the perfect amount of breeze when I heard the song. No matter how bad my voice was I just had to sing. There was pain. A new meaning of the song attached to a very unhealthy love. It made me committed to not have that memory when I left for college. I was after all committed to not having anymore attachments. It was wonderful. Thank you to the talented cast.

Also, thank you to production. You allowed me to become absorbed enough to cry my eyes out at the enviable tear rendering, heart piercing moment, of the death of our beloved Jean Valjean in the church. I was never that big of a fan of Cosette (let’s be real I wanted Eponine to not die and find love, because her life turned out much worse than Cosette’s). However, you have to love that moment. The way the story comes to fruition and finds it denouement. It made me cry for something wonderful for once.

I think the best part of this play came after though. As a rare Montreal night became something even more special. The nice silence of a late night in the city. The rare moment where the snow in Montreal is high enough and clean enough to sparkle as if embedded with crystals. The perfect cold breeze to uplift you as you walk the three blocks home. The conclusion of walking with a song you haven’t heard in three years. There was the perfect serenity to On My Own. There was no recall of sadness or an attachment. It was just a warmth I had when I first listened to the song.

I think tonight was wonderful. It was like someone pressed a refresh button on me and said you know what you can be productive and learn.

This is the power of plays. Of Les Miserables.

I.L. Knight

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On My Own – Lea Solanga

On My Own – Movie Version

OMG – Lucifer :

Here’s the scoop everyone. Lucifer just did the most amazing thing ever! It had an entire episode of Kpop references that didn’t make the whole thing come off as forced or awkward. I mean naming a drug K POP that was being sold by a Korean gang is PRICELESS. And when I heard Shinee’s Lucifer as the actual Lucifer was walking down the karaoke bar’s hallway I sort of wanted to cry. You could hear Jonghyun’s amazing vocals, so clearly in the background. It was like a perfect homage to an amazing singer.

No words to describe this episode. Thank you Lucifer and Thank You Cain.

I.L. Knight

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Lucifer – Shinee

I Managed to Update Chapter 2 :

HI HI y’all. I did manage to finish chapter two for my mom. Mostly by ignoring my actual work. but hey it counts. Anyways, click below to read chapter two of the Twilight Fan Fiction. Let me know if you can guess where it is heading! Because I don’t have a clue yet… I mean how do I write about Edward and Jacob and not change or affect any of their ‘perfect’ love dynamics

Chapter 2

Hope you like it,

I.L. Knight

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Bella and Edward Arrive At School Together

A Topsy Turvy Day :

Here’s the thing:

 

I can’t help, but write about my health. It’s one of those things that becomes an all consuming void…pride? Relationship in your life? Still, after 2 years I somehow have not managed to accurately explain it to anyone. The frustration of it all. It’s invisible, you know! You are a child about it, you know. You look fine. You must have anxiety? Must not be able to handle the stress in becoming an adult in a modern world? You’ve adapted your mother’s issues. Damn it all, man. Damn it all. How do you explain something that no one will ever be able to see. Except, when you have black circles under your eyes from extreme lack of sleep during a flare, or a rash from your skin deciding it likes to have temper tantrums. Even then. It’s all fixable with some magic cream prescribed by a doctor. The wondrous marvels of modern medicine.

Anyways, I’m not here today, not present in some form of anchoring, to rant about the invisible pain in my life. Well, not that specific pain or any pain to be exact. I’m strangely here to talk about something good. Shocking, I know.

Tuesday, I faced a massive amount of apprehension about walking back into a school environment with an unsupportive Uni and professors who seemed to hate me for taking a medical leave due to becoming unable to walk properly. Hence, the equally invisible frustrations. Anyways, back to the point. I somehow did it. I survived the anxiety, left an hour early to walk up a giant hill at eight in the morning all without having time to do my morning stretches. I was a fat robot who struggled for an hour to get to a class I didn’t even know I could do. I mean, I was totally out of it. I had stayed up till 4 am the night before to do the readings I was supposed to do for the first day of class. It was a riveting set of film theory on studio films and how it applies to the development of cinema in China. News flash, it was another sense of fetishing the ‘Oriental’ as somehow being a child like country that white people loved to look at as enticing. A conspiracy of a Lolita reenactment going on as some sort of expected lens. Feh. White people. Although, it isn’t really fair of me to say that…considering even my insistence on a Jewish ethnicity can’t cover up the fact my bastard of a father I’ve never met before is as white as you can be. A good old U.K./French mix that made its way to Canada to only end up as a wannabe redneck in South Carolina. Apparently, a yellow pick up truck and a lucrative business in drugs was quite the enticing offer back in the 90’s.

Man, I’m really rambling on about all of this. I don’t know its like something is stuck in my head. Tuesday, was good though. I knew the professor very well. Three classes checked off on the list and it wasn’t hard to guess what his rambling was leading too. I had already learned he loves analytical metaphors, over zealous vocabulary and a hint of alliterations. Not that it is necessarily a bad thing if you have a writing style like mine: unorganized, spastic and completely dependent on the poetics of another fucking person. He’s a pretty great professor. Maybe that’s why the success in the class could only make me feel good. Not special. Not self assured. Not anything other than good. I had simply taken a step back into the stress pot of education at a pretentious Uni I hadn’t completely faltered on my first day. Yep, this invisible suffering outwardly bitchy female was doing good.

But Wednesday man, this day has been more than good. I fucking got away with only doing half the readings, falling asleep during the film screening and being completely silent during the actual lecture. I even saved enough coffee in my cup after 4 hours to be able to walk home. Ah, I hadn’t mentioned yet. I went to bed at 4 am on Tuesday. A friend I really need to keep at a distance due to her all consuming ability to extend everything to be about her self and her timeline made sleep impossible that night… I’m sure you are wondering, if you actually take time out of your day to stop by to this blog, how then did I seemingly do more than good? Well, not only did I never have this professor and she most likely heard terrible things with my somewhat destroyed reputation within my department, we managed to have a delightful conversation after class.

Part One a refreshing acceptance of the fact students can have disabilities or problems that you can’t necessarily see on their fucking face all the time. Even managing to ask what I might need during the year to make class actually be put on the same level as everyone else for me. Riveting, I tell you. Absolutely a fresh experience. Well known Unis’ often suck monkey dick.

Part 2 though is where I somehow managed to hit the nail on the head. I asked her about a simple sub point of a debate I had once back with the Professor from Tuesday about the difference between Modernism and Modernity. I told you over zealous and pretentious vocabulary works every time. Although, I happened to not agree with the insistent pop up of the word modernity everywhere. In case you don’t know the difference let me explain. Modernity is like a transitional movement where a culture or location goes from sort of point A to a point B. The transitional frame is colored in the ideals of Western industrialization and Western dipshitting around the East. Got to make people wear suits to reflect that they have officially entered into a ‘modern’ society. Modernism is not that. It is like the distinct choices one makes most likely within modernity to reach this point of ‘Modern’. An example would be the person moving from traditional work attire to a suit in order to display the new status of the individual within the society. Wow, even I think I sound smart reading this back… Too bad I’m not.

It was a total rip off, in a sense, of the fact Tuesday’s professor is crazy about the ideal and on Tuesday I watched the film Shadow Magic which is about the emergence of film in China. Told through fictional lens of course. Naturally, then I could pull out some off the cuff analytical bull crap about the locomotive movement of the story displaying an upward movement within society was actually a display of modernism and not modernity. The guy was going from the country side to an upcoming area of Tokyo. Now wore a suit to work and over the film was shown with foreign goods increasing around him as the plot went on. Modernism. The decisions made by a character within a transitional point of a narrative style of film.

I mean, the side readings were also annoying as hell. Western critics and their fetishing of the ‘Orient’ literally looks as the introduction of early film in Japan as some unique cultural experience. It’s really not that unique. Not for the people there. Think about it. Traditional forms of entertainment started as some form of silent moving spectacle that was than enhanced by a spectacle of music and a narrator to draw attention back to the silent spectacle in the background. So now the ‘silence’ was coming from tiny squares. No need to cause some pure film debates within society over it. Media changed not your cultural standards. And saying it was being used to police the environment? Please, whether it is the modern NHK or back in the age of Imperialism, Japanese authority has always used popular media to persist structured ideals within the common populace. It’s not even a unique Japanese method. Most states do it. Making an emphasis on how controlling it is, because now the films had more directly stated organized structure of social mannerisms versus cultural ideals isn’t a great argument. It’s annoying. It’s being over analytical to the point reaches several moments where people need to shout at you to just stop. An apple can be an apple. It doesn’t need to be a solid Cider or a solid juice…. My analogy sucks. Never mind.

Damn. I really did leave that class on cloud nine though. It was like someone handed me direct proof that I can actually do this. That brain fogs and a struggle to be the student you used to be was not an inhibition. Oh no. I was right to take this challenge upon myself. I was a fighter destined to grow beyond my family and past life experiences. Even if I couldn’t remember when the dynasties were or the names of the movies I’ve seen I could still recall the beating heart that made me fall in love with the Asian continent. A lack of words to portray it or not. My ties to the continent were a life link in the blood and in the marrow. I couldn’t help, but smile on my way home. Try to call every single one of my relatives and tell them I got this, while I felt the light breeze of an enjoyable cool Montreal winter day. The world was alive and full of colors and I had hope to be apart of it all. To not just exist anymore, but to find a way to live. I know it was awkwardly optimistic of me. I didn’t even mind that much that the same friend showed up twenty minutes late to our appointment at the office of student disabilities and then made us go to her coffee shop and suddenly tell me at mine that she didn’t have time, because she actually had a class. Strangely optimistic. I normally don’t get over things in the way of my morning coffee.

Here I am. In bed. Still, slightly feeling the remnants of this wonderful Wednesday and of the new Boruto episode this week. Still, a part of me knows that my struggles have just begun. That a large part of me will remain invisible and un-understandable. That I have a higher statistical chance of not meeting this challenge and finding acceptance of myself than actually succeeding. I most likely won’t get the summer internships I need, because of my Uni being a dick and money makes the world go around. Study Away? FEH. Who will get approved for that. And god forbid if I try to lose the weight from NOT BEING ABLE OT MOVE FOR LIKE 4 MONTHS.

Fun fact. Did you know there is like no fat people in Montreal. Not even among the foreign students? Yet, here I am getting looked at because I am now one size away from having to shop at obese stores and all you can look at me is like I AM FUCKED UP AND EAT TOO MUCH. News flash. I gained my weight from a dead metabolism. I actually don’t eat that much and struggle to move. Yet, I can’t scream it at the top of my lungs. I’d sound insane. And in public. I am a good southern girl. I smile as best I can and not be caught with the matches. However, do trust that I definitely have those matches. As the same friend mentioned through out this point does lovingly refer to me as being a bitchy cunt who is a horrible human being. Well, it was my joke in the first place. Can’t necessarily blame her for that.

Here’s the take away of all of this:

  1. I am still strangely optimistic; although, it has returned to be mixed with extreme apprehension.
  2. I forgot I have no classes on Thursday, so maybe I can catch up on sleep and go the gym. *snicker*
  3. I still desire a semicolon tattoo on the side of my wrist, because I am fucking idiot about trends when it comes to messages. Especially when they are ‘poetic’.
  4. Intj are actually the coldest people in the world and Intp are the warmest robots…. I am Intp.
  5. All hail Slytherin and HP rps.
  6. I have legitimately no real friends in Montreal and should probable commit on improving myself for once.
  7. Can you fail a paid community French class?
  8. If I get to Asia I will definitely feel worse about being fat. Partly because I’m American and that can be an annoying stereotype to be labeled with. I already have to fight hipster and weeboo, because of dumb people.
  9. I don’t know anything in life. Not really.

So, before I go to sleep I need to watch the Marvelous Mrs. Maisel. Because some article informed me Jewish women were wonderful representatives on female representation and anti-discrimination within Hollywood at the Golden Globes. I didn’t even see the award show. Although, I saw Natalie Portman’s quip. Fuck yea. Ani ohev et Israel. You kind of cause a lot of problems, but you gave the Jewish community Natalie Portman. By the way did you know the Jewish comedy lead actress isn’t Jewish? I mean, she sort of looks more Jewish than the Jewish actresses that get cast more often than stereotypical Jewish images, so I get it. You can be a MOT that brings the hammer at the Golden Globes.

I fucking love crude comedy,

I.L. Knight

P.s. I have listened to Joseph King of Dreams and The Prince of Egypt way too much today. I might have to re-compartmentalize my internal angst.

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Demons – Imagine Dragons

 

** The singer is my brother in Chronic Illness warrior training. Respect.**

When You Lose An Absurd Amount of Motivation :

Man, it really sucks when you were riding on a high and then you feel a tremendous drop. It’s like I went sky diving with out the parachute and no one told me I didn’t have one.

I just feel so low lately. Maybe my grandpa’s dismissal of the steps I’ve made affected me more than I thought… I mean, I spent the longest time of my life trying to live up to his expectations. And it was true I prepared for the back lash when I started making my own decisions.

I accepted his throwing my savings in my face when I got a tattoo. I accepted the humiliating post on Facebook about me crossing the Rubicon. But still. Life is starting to feel like a bore. Release from it seems temporary.

I need to hurry up and move to Kyoto and start feeding my stray cats,

I.L. Knight

Mao-sleeping-at-Daikis-room

Kinkakuji Kyoto

 

Motivation & Updates :

I’m finding it so hard to stay motivated and do what I got to do to build myself up as a trying to be an adult person that makes what I love earn money lately. There’s just so much going on :

  1. Healthcare forms/drug aid forms for both US/Canada
  2. Business Licensing
  3. Moving
  4. Last Week of One Of My Day Jobs equaling picking up crazy hours of extra shifts
  5. The Holidays I’m missing and the frustration of my crazy family about it
  6. Sleep Problems
  7. Inability to still get all of heavily important medications
  8. The stress of returning to school with no close friends (the pains of adulthood) and a bunch of disappointed professors in me + OH YEAH MEMORY FOG ISSUES
  9. The exhaustion of Funcutional Training and the toll it has on my body
  10. The desire to find time to WRITE MY OWN SHIT
  11. The necessity to go last minute shopping for goods and clothes which I had hated even before I gained weight
  12. Still being in the very early stages of my recovery/adjustment of my auto-immune disease diagnosis
  13. Just generally being an awkward skeletal panda thingy mabob
  14. Balancing my Mental Health and my barely recognized depression and suicidal nature

I’m so tired y’all. I don’t even have the energy to pop on my new filter for my mic,

I.L Knight

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Sick and Tired – Anastacia

So I Know I Wrote A Schedule :

Dear My Few Followers,

I know I wrote a schedule that I intended to follow, but I have decided not to post anything for two days. I think it is important to least have a day of reflection on the death of an individual. And in Korean culture reflection and mourning lasts for 2-3 days normally. Considering this, I cannot in good conscious post anything about my feelings of stupid life moments.

In honor of a bright individual that was taken from the world too soon I cannot do anything, but hope you understand.

There will be a flood of updates to make up for it at that respective time.

I.L. Knight

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Gloomy Clock – IU (Ft. Jonghyun)

Hallelujah – Rufus Wainwright

Tears In Heaven – Eric Clapton

Kim Jonghyun + Kpop :

When I woke up yesterday I was met with the saddest news of this year. The death of Kim Jonghyun. It was something I couldn’t believe. I thought it was some bad joke from the Naver community. He was in the prime of his life, successful and most of all seemed happy.

His group, Shinee, had successfully crossed into the overseas market and he himself had his own radio show and composing career. More then that, he had one of those voices that touched a person. Thinking about all of this just hurt my heart more.

And then I heard it was suicide. My heart broke. I remembered how Shinee was the only Kpop group that I saw their debut. How much I played the song on repeat and how it was one of the first Kpop songs I was able to share with my friends that they liked too. Even though I didn’t like their recent music, Shinee would always have a place in my heart. It was one of my first connections with people I had.

They seemed so strong and happy within a notoriously unhealthy environment. They were dedicated and able to retain the positive. But they were also showmen and they were able to make us not know we were wrong. None of us saw how much he was a gentle and caring individual. And that really hurts. Because individuals like that can be rare and deserve the support they need.

We all know how bad the Kpop community can be. Unhealthy work hours, lack of deserved money, intensely scary environments with sasaeng fans, the intense pressure from the Korean society as a whole, a lack of the ability to be an individual and all for the fame and the love of music. It’s an extremely hard environment to thrive in, let alone remain happy. Yet, we are so slow as fans to help change it. Because we don’t want to give up the continuous performances and fan interactions from the idols. So we ignore the the things that come out about the companies and the struggles of those in the community. We fucking suck.

I can’t help feeling like I put Kpop in a weird an untouchable bubble. I had a rough emotionally abusive at times childhood. So many hours were spent alone. The weird childhood I had of Korean cartoons, trot music and the early stages of Kpop helped me retain some sense of pride in myself and connection to something in the world. I felt like a good person to understand and be part of something that wasn’t my community. You could go into my room and Finkl’s Blue Rain would be playing as I forced myself to spend my free time studying so hard to make my parents happy. And even though I am a huge advocate of speaking out about Mental Health in your community I put Kpop separate from that. I knew it was wrong and I didn’t care. And now an important musician lost their life to that behavior of mine…of ours.

We ignored the problem and it lead someone to lose a fight he never should of had to do.

He begged the world, his family and friends to let him go from a company that could only say sorry about tragic news coming from out of nowhere.

Jonghyun couldn’t feel even his breathing anymore. And all we can do is put roses in front of a grave.

Kim Jonghyun you will be missed. I pray you find the peace you were denied in this life in your lives to come.

Once a Shawol always a Shawol,

I.L. Knight

 

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Chop Suey ! – System of A Down

Inside The Fire – Disturbed

누난 너무 예뻐 (Replay) – Shinee