What in the actually fuck… is exactly how I feel right now. I don’t know wether to scream from the rooftop or jump off it. It’s like I’ve found a pleasant form of numbness then what I felt earlier. I’m aware that everything is dark right now but no matter where I look I just keep seeing my favorite colors! On one hand I know I’m too fat to fit in to most of my clothes. On the other, packing away my smaller clothes makes me feel motivated to start looking nicer and find fashionable clothes that fit me. If you knew me, wanting to be fashionable was a far off goal of mine. This sudden me that wants to take time to dress nicely before I go out, even for just coffee, is an outstanding improvement. My mother would be so proud to see the southern tomcat she raised think about fashion instead of mudding and paintball. Similarly, as I know that I feel lonelier then ever- isolated from most people I call a friend- I feel even more hopeful in making new friends. I have responded to texts and messages on time and have made more social plans this past week then in a long time. I even managed to accomplish shocking my therapist. I hopped off my anxiety meds. Something I probably should of done awhile ago. Having anxiety is something I will always have to deal with, but it never got bad until everyone kept talking about it and I had extreme stress from other things. Honestly, besides the meds making my anxiety worse, I’m pretty sure it contributed to me becoming depressed. Yes, the withdrawal from the meds, royally sucked ass. I was luck that I was able to go home in that regards. Even though it was tense and uncomfortable it was the break I needed to get over that hump. Plus, I think I finally grew up enough to see my home differently. I assumed it was this horrible blackness (an analogy I hated because if you knew my qualms with color analogies you’d know I like to switch white and black) but, it’s more of a dull grey. It’s not a happy place, but it’s not a place that completely snuffs out light. It’s the place that makes you realize you miss the light. Now, I understand why I handled things differently back home. I was able to hope in the darkness. An ability I am glad to have returned. As I walk through the rain, seeing street lights creating little suns in the road’s puddles, I can’t help but smile. Life is indeed a shitty ride sometimes. People do not always like you. Clothes will not always fit you. Boys will not always love you. Family will not always support you. However, you can always be there for you. You can always remember the hug you needed, the motivation you craved or the confidence you need created. I’m a strange little girl in an even stranger little world. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to work on my strangeness. So I’m gonna sit here, drink my black coffee, fix my nude lipstick, think about making study plans tomorrow, list the chores I need to get done, plan ahead to meditate later tonight, realize I’ve survive being Pescatarian for a week now and that I am just along for the ride.
A surprisingly content,