Why Things Have Been Like They Are :

Hi Hi y’all!

You know sometimes I feel like the Queen of Excuses. It’s not that I mean to be really. I am very aware I have a natural born trait to resist ownership and responsibility and thus it needs to be managed… I guess, the thing is I always feel like I owe an explanation. That is probably due to a whole crapload of childhood trauma and shitty insecurities but that’s not really important here. What’s important is not only do I cripple myself but I cripple the relationships I have with others by being shitty with follow throughs and commitments.

I think, for awhile, this will hopefully be my last explanation:

More and more I have been taking both more frequent and longer absences. Part of it is due to health. I can’t say anything more than learning to live a life with a chronic illness seems to be a forever challenge. The ups are high and the downs are low. Dealing with being in my 20s and being bipolar along with it just seems to be this almost immeasurable task.

However, there are two bigger stressors in my life than even my health problems: school and family.

When I graduated high school university was this magical thing I was heading too. It was a place where I’d have everything I ever wanted and be an ambitious bad ass semi adult. I mean reality does kick in, challenges do present themselves and you do eventually become an adult. Going to the challenging school wasn’t what I thought it to be. Looking back, as thankful as I am for the lessons it’s taught me, I don’t think McGill was the university for me. It doesn’t flex to those who need flexibility. How smart I thought I was doesn’t matter in the end if I can’t handle the lifestyle of a proper student. I’ve always had a major thing about failure and learning to live that failure is okay in a high paced environment with many geniuses KILLS a soul. Everything school related becomes so much more emotionally and time wise to me.

Honestly, just sitting here waiting for my grades and taking my first test of the summer session has me dying in agony…

The second reason is of course family. I mean… guys. We all know I have family problems. However, lately I can’t help growing more and more annoyed. I am incessantly put in a position where, even when they say no, I have to end up as the family manager from another country. Things had gotten so bad my grandparents were preceding with divorce options (instead of just shouting about it) and still they do nothing. AND YOU KNOW WHY WE GOT THERE!

We got to that because my Aunt who lives with them bought a new house and didn’t want to move out her old furniture…. The same furniture that is representative of a ten year hoarding habit that has infuriated my grandma to no ends. The only funny side note is that she’s moving from there house to a house two miles up the road and three doors down from my mom’s house.

People in my family, I swear, do not actually separate from the uterus.

That drama cost me 4-5 days of major anxiety, panic attacks and being the only one who calms down my grandma.

Family is too difficult sometimes.

Anyways, today is part 2 of my first summer session exam. I have recommitted to yoga and started to seriously meditate again.

Hopefully, I can remain calm enough to get shit done for y’all~

I.L. Knight

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Family Portrait – P!nk

A Hard Decision To Make :

Hi Hi Y’all…

Recently I’ve had to make a hard choice. I don’t know if it is something that would be difficult for you, but it is definitely a big step for anyone.

Not many people know this but I have been saving the little money I earned from birthdays and holidays since I was a child. I sort of kind of from a family that taught a kid what an IRA was before basic morality… Actually, I’m pretty sure we’ve never actually had the what does it mean to be a good person talk… We did have money saving, education and stock talks though. The money I had saved was divided into three areas of saving: (1) personal cash savings, (2) savings for future family use and (3) stock.

When I turned 20 I got in a huge fight with my grandfather. He was the one in charge of the money put away for me from my family. The result of our fight was him deciding to let go of control and hand it all over. At the time I was panicking, because I had no idea how to responsible for such a sum of money and for money that was for this future of mine.

Two years later and I know that I am firstly thankful that we did have those sort of conversations in my family. I had a rough plan, I knew how to buy stock, to put limits on my own account and make sure I had an account. But I have also reached a point where this money and this future it is for is now a grey area. I have to help pay for University. Working part time when I can doesn’t do as much as we would wish. I have to be able to pay for as much as I can for myself. I am now in my twenties, with a bad relationship with my family at times, with little capability of being independent and bills to pay.

I had to sell some of the stock for the first time in my life to help cover those bases. I guess to a lot of people that may sound silly of a confliction. But, respectfully, I don’t think you then understand what that means.

I had to touch on something that was a result of the one big epic talk of my childhood. I had to touch the hard work and effort to stay in a reality that I don’t even like half the time. It felt as if I had to stain something black to cover up things. And yea I know it was a proper adult decision…that’s what savings are for… but still I couldn’t help but hover over the sell option.

There was this deep pain in my chest. Like I was losing something. Like the effort I put into it no longer mattered. That’s when I remembered that I had to suddenly go from spoiled to an adult not because of my own choice, but because it was sink or swim…Which, felt even crappier.

But anyways… I sold some. I paid my bills like a responsible adult and I tell myself  I’ll get over that feeling. Because if I hadn’t known to save up all of this time the money wouldn’t of been there in the first place.

I.L. Knight

P.s. OG artwork by xSkyfishx has been updated on the Sabrina Fan Fiction. Catnip and her brother Thorn looking perfectly creepy.

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Time – Pink Floyd

 

So I Can Put This Calmly Behind Me:

Normally, I would be caught up with anxiety and hyper thinking and inability to get back on track. However, I think this time I can not fall into that trap. Instead of being emotional and sad, I want to focus on the good news today. I got offered not one, but two summer scholarships in Japan (a country that has been my #1 one desired country to visit), and I got a nice purple hair dye. I’m going to focus on that.

I’m also, instead of a long rant, be simple and direct about my complaints:

(1) I asked my mom not to call me this week about our issues, because I have a very heavy workload from school and would be already stressed and anxious. She ignored this request to ask me a heavy loaded question.

(2) It is generally inappropriate, and even worse so at the the moment, to ask your daughter if she loves you because you are her mother and if you see her as a mother from over the phone. We already have issues and need these sort of conversations mediated.

(3) Insist at the pain of your answer, when you told her truthfully out of respect. I love my mother as an individual, because of choices she has made for me. I’m no longer a child who looks at the world as simple as, “A mother is someone you love, because she is your mother.” Whether I see my mother as my mother or not that is also complicated.  My mother by definition and logic I recognize as a mom. However, emotional context is different. It’s not a good or bad thing, or grandparents influences, there is just roles that have not been fulfilled. Don’t ask for a simplification of a complicated matter, so lightly and off the cuff.

There is the summary of the phone conversation. Now I am going to let go of it tonight and focus on my work. A couple minutes of deep breathing and calming down will do the trick, because I will not get in my way tonight.

I am capable of staying calming and achieving what I want to achieve,

I.L. Knight

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Daughters – John Mayer

And Here I Went & Had It Slip Out :

I did something I really shouldn’t of done at the dinner table. A very rude comment slipped out from my mouth and I am normally better than that. I really do ascribe to the belief that when you are in conflict with someone there exists a certain social obligation to not bring that into a social environment with people around. Maybe it’s the Southern thing in me, but I feel it is completely rude and disgraceful. So letting my resentment slip out in a comment is a bad reflection on myself more than mistakes my mom has made with me.

But it did slip out. And I can’t change that now. So all I can do is describe my feelings about it and what caused it to happen here. Since my mom and I aren’t in a place were we can talk about our feelings.

Here it is. I was sitting in the car on the way to dinner with my grandma and my mom. And they were talking about my mom’s struggles with selling her house. It’s been a very long chaotic process and my family is in real estate and loves to talk about it. Further more, my grandparents have always been very good at recognizing my aunt’s accomplishments and her part in helping my mom out sometimes. Which is something I recognize as a problem for my mom. Since she was the older sister and school things were always harder due to her dyslexia and certain mental illness that runs in the family. It is hard for her to watch her younger sister have unhealthy tendencies and still get praised more then her or her daughter.

Still, I think I was feeling the pressure of being unproductive and folding to my anxiety recently and so I was feeling really down. The thing is I had to be open about something I was working on and proud of. I figured telling my grandmother and the rest of my family first was better then going to my grandpa about it. Because he really hasn’t aged well when it comes to his temper and his ability to recognize anything I am doing. So when the conversation ended about real estate I tried to bring up my L.L.C. It didn’t go well.

They immediately said tell us later, maybe over dinner, and went back to their real estate conversation to talk in more circles. And that probably hit me harder then it should of, because of where I was at mentally that day. But it’s really hard sometimes being held to this ridiculous standard of what is an accomplishment for me and the fact my family is very surface level about me. They don’t really respect or acknowledge that I am a human being with feelings and struggles until I get into a major problem. And then even then it’s about the disappointment of it all. It hurts that they never dive past the shallow to actually get to know me and fight my introverted nature. I hate the fact that everything I do is so very easily dismissed and no one ever wants to talk about it. Even if they will dwell on other people’s conversational topics. My grandparents consider me as their third daughter, and yet I feel like I am a robot they expect to be perfect so they feel like they’ve accomplished their dreams through me.

So when they dismissed it, I felt something a little worse then slighted. Betrayed. Ignored. Unloved. Lonely. Most sad adjectives really. I kind of felt numb, but at the same time that everything I do is worthless in the end. Here I was struggling to find the perfect holiday gifts for them, because I now had my own money and they didn’t really care about the gifts or me growing up. They made me feel like a side piece that was expected to handle everything on their own, because their support was painful. Meanwhile, I began to dwell on their attitude about presents. With my grandma her presents are always kind of shady. Like a free coupon for a blow out the last two years in a row, because she doesn’t think I do my hair enough. With my aunt she’s always been the slightly better one with her craziness in finding good gifts. I mean, she once made me a Shinee shirt with the wrong member, because she remembered their name. It was cute. My mom really is the kind of the worst at gifts. She always gets me jewelry. And yea I like them, but it is never something I really want or appreciate on my birthday or on a holiday. And she always said she can’t help it, because jewelry catches her eye. It’s just every year getting the same thing you don’t really care about is more then just unsurprising, it kind of hurts as a buildup kind of pain. Here I hunt for jewelry for you, because you love it and even advise the rest of the family on what you love. And you ignored my need for a new laptop to buy me a diamond necklace on my 21st birthday. I can’t wear it, so you took it and wear it yourself.

Plus there is their reaction to gifts I give them. They either move on or go it’s cute, thanks, and then move on still. My grandpa didn’t care about the cute Trump mug I got him about liberal tears. My grandma didn’t care for more then a second that I found a cute coffee cup that said ‘coffee makes me poop’ when that is her current catch phrase. My mom at least wore the rose quartz masala beads I got her for a night. Which is okay. And my Aunt did recognize I noticed she needed a new credit card slip for the back of her phone. She even enjoyed the monogram and that it was black leather. Still, it hurts.

So here I was ruminating on that in the car ride to Olive Garden and then we get there. And I am silent in a corner as they talk about more real estate. It never ends. By the time dinner got to the end I never got to say my good news. Hey family, guess what? I own my own business at 21! Wahoo~ Yea, that news didn’t really come out at all. So I was like yo, let me tell my good news. And they all sighed and basically implied yea just get on with it already. And I did. And they didn’t really care. My grandma was like okay and turned away from my direction. My mom then asked why. Which my grandma said she didn’t understand my choice, because I am not in the place to spend money and school is most important. My Aunt said congrats. My mom said an argument to defend my grandma when she saw my face. I couldn’t respond and then they moved on.

The thing is my mom felt bad and a little while later why my grandma was paying the check she turned and tried to say congrats and be supportful in her but this kind of way. The thing is I was already deeply hurt by then. Doing this was a huge thing for me when I have so much pride I don’t do things for the risk of failure and their opinions on it. So when she commented how could I not tell her sooner, she wouldn’t of yelled at me for being on my computer so much I slipped out this:

Because I don’t like you.

And then the table went silent. And I immediately in my head had to be like OH SHIT. But in my typical fashion I put on a ‘I don’t give a damn I am a proud cold fish’ sort of face. Which made my mom freak out more. She was all like seeee she starts everything and hates me. I.L. Knight is awful blah blah. I.L. Knight is evil blah blah. We don’t have a relationship, because she hates me blah blah. She is a rude bitch blah blah. And so in increasing in the I am monster sort of comments. Of course my aunt turned away and ignored it, because she only says anything when she feels like I am scary psychopathic monster. Which is impossible by the way since I am emo about my emotions. But even my grandma was silent and disappointed. She completely turned away and didn’t say anything. Even though she knows about some of my hurt with my mom. We had talked about earlier how the present thing was messed up. Yet, she couldn’t give me the grace of looking at me when she knew why I was sort of down today.

It reinforced in my mind that to them I was damaged goods. Before it was like there were just cracks to the perfection a person was supposed to have. Now, I was completely gone. I was an unfixable project with sociopathic tendencies.

I used to be better about my slip ups. I was perfect about pretending to be happy and dedicated to the goals they had for me. Since going to college and dealing with growing pains and health problems, I have lost my perfectly crafted mask. And in the process have really felt my tendency towards depression.

I don’t know. Here I am finally trying to pick up the pieces and they are more anxious about my 7 year old cousin’s interest in Ouji Boards then the fact some times I feel like my body is on fire and I can’t walk in the morning. Because, I leave it at I’m tired to much.

The silent ride home was really great guys. I am building more resentment towards my family over holiday presents,

I.L. Knight

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Daddy Why Did You Eat My Fries – Adventure Time

Oh Father – Madonna