A Hard Decision To Make :

Hi Hi Y’all…

Recently I’ve had to make a hard choice. I don’t know if it is something that would be difficult for you, but it is definitely a big step for anyone.

Not many people know this but I have been saving the little money I earned from birthdays and holidays since I was a child. I sort of kind of from a family that taught a kid what an IRA was before basic morality… Actually, I’m pretty sure we’ve never actually had the what does it mean to be a good person talk… We did have money saving, education and stock talks though. The money I had saved was divided into three areas of saving: (1) personal cash savings, (2) savings for future family use and (3) stock.

When I turned 20 I got in a huge fight with my grandfather. He was the one in charge of the money put away for me from my family. The result of our fight was him deciding to let go of control and hand it all over. At the time I was panicking, because I had no idea how to responsible for such a sum of money and for money that was for this future of mine.

Two years later and I know that I am firstly thankful that we did have those sort of conversations in my family. I had a rough plan, I knew how to buy stock, to put limits on my own account and make sure I had an account. But I have also reached a point where this money and this future it is for is now a grey area. I have to help pay for University. Working part time when I can doesn’t do as much as we would wish. I have to be able to pay for as much as I can for myself. I am now in my twenties, with a bad relationship with my family at times, with little capability of being independent and bills to pay.

I had to sell some of the stock for the first time in my life to help cover those bases. I guess to a lot of people that may sound silly of a confliction. But, respectfully, I don’t think you then understand what that means.

I had to touch on something that was a result of the one big epic talk of my childhood. I had to touch the hard work and effort to stay in a reality that I don’t even like half the time. It felt as if I had to stain something black to cover up things. And yea I know it was a proper adult decision…that’s what savings are for… but still I couldn’t help but hover over the sell option.

There was this deep pain in my chest. Like I was losing something. Like the effort I put into it no longer mattered. That’s when I remembered that I had to suddenly go from spoiled to an adult not because of my own choice, but because it was sink or swim…Which, felt even crappier.

But anyways… I sold some. I paid my bills like a responsible adult and I tell myself  I’ll get over that feeling. Because if I hadn’t known to save up all of this time the money wouldn’t of been there in the first place.

I.L. Knight

P.s. OG artwork by xSkyfishx has been updated on the Sabrina Fan Fiction. Catnip and her brother Thorn looking perfectly creepy.

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Time – Pink Floyd

 

Oops. Boys & Sleep :

So, um, you know that boy I swerved. I temporarily fell to the depths of hell. I stayed up till 5 am talking to him. When I had a 7:00 am class. I did indeed fuck up and go down memory lane with someone I used to feel comfortable. BUT, BUT BUT BUT… After we said goodbye I realized I was right to swerve in the first place. I ain’t about all of that. Media platforms back on block.

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I am amazing on my own,

I.L. Knight

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Smile – Lily Allen

So I Can Put This Calmly Behind Me:

Normally, I would be caught up with anxiety and hyper thinking and inability to get back on track. However, I think this time I can not fall into that trap. Instead of being emotional and sad, I want to focus on the good news today. I got offered not one, but two summer scholarships in Japan (a country that has been my #1 one desired country to visit), and I got a nice purple hair dye. I’m going to focus on that.

I’m also, instead of a long rant, be simple and direct about my complaints:

(1) I asked my mom not to call me this week about our issues, because I have a very heavy workload from school and would be already stressed and anxious. She ignored this request to ask me a heavy loaded question.

(2) It is generally inappropriate, and even worse so at the the moment, to ask your daughter if she loves you because you are her mother and if you see her as a mother from over the phone. We already have issues and need these sort of conversations mediated.

(3) Insist at the pain of your answer, when you told her truthfully out of respect. I love my mother as an individual, because of choices she has made for me. I’m no longer a child who looks at the world as simple as, “A mother is someone you love, because she is your mother.” Whether I see my mother as my mother or not that is also complicated.  My mother by definition and logic I recognize as a mom. However, emotional context is different. It’s not a good or bad thing, or grandparents influences, there is just roles that have not been fulfilled. Don’t ask for a simplification of a complicated matter, so lightly and off the cuff.

There is the summary of the phone conversation. Now I am going to let go of it tonight and focus on my work. A couple minutes of deep breathing and calming down will do the trick, because I will not get in my way tonight.

I am capable of staying calming and achieving what I want to achieve,

I.L. Knight

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Daughters – John Mayer

Let Me Love You :

I have to admit it. I am sadder than I thought, Two days of unconsciously reversing my day and night schedule. The denial of how much I’ve slipped so far in 2018. A set of days spent with an obsession of finishing Twilight Fan Fiction because of remembering to take your Ritalin and guilt towards your mom. No more interest in Bravo or slow Jrock ballads. A Saturday of a youtube worm hole featuring Lorde related playlists and glee clips.

I am a sad person, who get scared every time she looks at the door and realizes she’s supposed to be walking through it. Scared of having to actually face the tiny tasks of entering adulthood. Or becoming actually okay with a body that feels like it’s refusing to work. To somehow become okay with the fact that after spending four years to lose weight and maintain it you are fat again. To wake up and not see the weak and rotten person you have become. To try and summon up the will to see people.

I’m just so fucking sad right now.

Even as I write this, Jake’s let me love you is playing, as tears stain the pages I originally wrote this on, and images of the multiple times in your life you’ve been molested or raped. Wondering to myself when was it exactly that I lost my virginity. Which time? When was it that I officially lost my ability to be okay with my body. To be okay with myself.

Was it when I was locked in the closet? When I was alone in my house? When I went hunting for the first time and felt happy for the animal to be part of some circle of life? Maybe it was when I spent seven years of my life only thinking about a toxic person? Maybe it’s right now, hearing this song, realizing statistically I have a dismal chance of anyone feeling that for me. That I am alone in the world. Sad. Crying. Trying for scraps to sustain some shell of a person.

Because everything about is some sort of pain or trauma. I can’t even think of something that wouldn’t be. Never being poor? I think it is a sick joke in the world that having money alone doesn’t mean much. What is it even when you don’t have enough of it to spend it constantly as a distraction.

I could literally die right now, and it wouldn’t mean that much. Because every night I go to bed worrying about how this could be my last night and how that would probably provide me with some relief in just not having to wake up the next day.

Being broken is a pleasant description for people like me. Being a sad reflection maybe being the best compliment we can get. It’s not like we are never not sick at any time in our lives. G-d, I even have to live with snotty tears since fixing my nose. Even when I tried to fix it to help me breathe better. That, and again caving to some pressures of someone else.

Man, after twenty one years of my life I just wish I’d have some root as a living person. Because sadness alone doesn’t do it. It doesn’t sustain you. It doesn’t motivate you. It doesn’t connect you to anything.

You are just sad. And that is your existence. I wish I could admit to myself or to other’s how much I need someone to say they’d love me even if I’m not loving myself. Not that I would even be able to try and find it. I’d probably just become some sick joke of going from completely untouchable to touching everything in sight. And then what I even really become? Some peephole feature in a temporary pop up art exhibit in Japan?

I don’t even know how to end this…

I.L. Knight

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Let Me Love You – Glee Version

If I Were A Boy – Glee Version

So Forget About Last Night :

Maybe yesterday didn’t hurt the most. Maybe this morning even didn’t. Maybe it’s just a dull constant that becomes more sharp in moments. I remember the resentment and hurt I harbor. In any case… this morning hurt.

I never wanted wanted to tell my grandparents – No. That’s a lie. A part of me always did, but was scared of the reaction. I never could handle failure very well. But more than that I can’t handle the reaction to it.

But I had to tell them, my grandparents, that I formed an L.L.C. this time. Because the address I used is their address. All the documents I need will be going to T-H-E-I-R house. And the reaction to it was to be expected – disinterest to questioning why I’d waste the money I had earned from working. And even if I could explain to them that they were over dropping me to work early so I could pick up more hours to fund what I love it wouldn’t matter to them. Because when you are smart the standard they have of what is actually an accomplishment changes.

Yet, still it stings. I never wanted their flattery or attention. I just wanted the understanding of people who raised me that when I dust myself off and try that’s not a failure. Life doesn’t go from bad to great and just stay there. It’s a process and a journey. And if they don’t want to be a guide then at least make me remember I can lead myself.

Trying. Picking yourself up slowly. It isn’t a failure Mamma & Dad. It’s not a waste of money.

I am serious about my own journey. I can make a life out of what I love. So this L.L.C. will fill me with pride. I need to believe in my own strength.

The pain you gave me will hurt enough for a lifetime, but not trying will hurt me even more,

I.L. Knight

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Down With Sickness – Disturbed

Because of You – Kelly Clarkson

The Three Fates

Clotho, Lachesis, Atropos
I don’t know what to write about anymore. Thousands of words and ideas just flow through my head trying to distract me from what I don’t want to admit. I feel empty and alone. So much is going on around me and I am not strong enough to stand through it smiling. Steven Tyler said Every life has a measure of sorrow, and sometimes this is what awakens us. If this is true who decides how much sorrow? As I kid I always thought it was the three fates, that Clotho- the spinner-Lachesis- the measurer- and Atropos- who at death with her shears cuts the thread of life- didn’t just measure our lives but what it was filled with. I figured only blind women could decide how much good and bad we’d have. As I grew older I realized it was stupid to think three women who work with mathematical numbers measure out emotion. We all have a fate, but it doesn’t make us follow a strict path like dolls, it is full of bends and twists. Knowing this I can’t blame someone for the turns I’ve chosen but I want to. I want to blame someone for making me feel empty inside. I want to blame everyone else for me not having it easy, but I know I can’t. G-d gives you what he knows you can handle and even though I’m not handling it well now I can’t help but feel I’ll handle it well tomorrow or the next day. I guess I took a few wrong turns and I gave my heart to the wrong person, but little by little I’ll make my way back and little by little I can get my heart back. I don’t want to feel empty and if I can see the way to not feel empty I’m going to try and take it. I don’t want the idle resignation to my wrong choices. I may love them but I want to awaken my happiness. It may be overly optimistic for me but I want to be happy. I deserve it. I’m a child of this new generation. It’s a generation filled with all kinds of emotional chaos and it may not be the bloody war we define as hardship but it is a war. This is a generation of kids who feel empty, dissatisfied, confused and unsure. Children who want to be the opposite of everything they’re taught. Children who want to leave in fantasy of the past and children who want to live in the fantasy of the future. Well, one day I don’t want to feel alone. I want to myself and everyone else of my generation to feel. 

I’m telling you now. We may be empty shells at the moment. We may look for euphoria by cruel methods and we may royally fuck up, but we are not stagnant. I feel empty, but one day I won’t be, because I can still hope and fight for the chance to not be. We are the Indigo children.
 
Sorry Clotho, Lachesis, Atropos I’m not letting you decide how my life will be like and when it will end.
I.L. Knight
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anime-knitting

Growing Up Pains

No one ever said growing up would be easy. You always know that it is going to suck royally at times. What you don’t know is how much you’re going to hurt, cry, smile, laugh, be exhausted or ashamed. You can never be prepared for the roller coaster. This past week has definitely been a roller coaster. I’ve burned a bridge, felt homesickness for the first time, been inspired to go out and look hot, been fired from my first sorta of job and have gone through ups and downs with my own family.The bridge I burned was with a long time on and off lover and best friend. It had been a while since we’ve been anything but a disaster. I think it was time to burn the bridge and try to function as my own independent self. The homesickness was for North Carolina. Growing up as a kid I used to spend my summers or vacations in North Carolina. My grandparents had a vacation home in Spring Hope. It’s not as cute as a town as it sounds. However, it is the town that has many of my happy memories as a kid. It is also the town I long for. I might not miss Florida, but I do miss the South in general. It is a new feeling for me. I have gone out and dressed up. Got the dusty little black dress out of the closet, put on my favorite dark lipstick and partied it up with the girls. I was determined to feel good about my self again. Like all things in the growing up roller coaster, I didn’t stay up long. I got called into a meeting that resulted in me being fired from my position for “communication” reasons. I’m not going to say anything about this other then that it was bullshit. They even thanked me for my extra work on my way out. The family thing was just the usual. So it was definitely a crazy week for me. I can only manage to get through it with music, writing, gym time and a good new friend. I may be sad now but soon I’ll look back on it as just growing pains.

I.L. Knight

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The South – The Cadillac Three (Ft. Florida Georgia Line, Dierks Bentley, Mike Eli)

Redneck Woman – Gretchen Wilson

Zydrate Anatomy – Repo! The Genetic Opera