Clotho, Lachesis, Atropos
I don’t know what to write about anymore. Thousands of words and ideas just flow through my head trying to distract me from what I don’t want to admit. I feel empty and alone. So much is going on around me and I am not strong enough to stand through it smiling. Steven Tyler said Every life has a measure of sorrow, and sometimes this is what awakens us. If this is true who decides how much sorrow? As I kid I always thought it was the three fates, that Clotho- the spinner-Lachesis- the measurer- and Atropos- who at death with her shears cuts the thread of life- didn’t just measure our lives but what it was filled with. I figured only blind women could decide how much good and bad we’d have. As I grew older I realized it was stupid to think three women who work with mathematical numbers measure out emotion. We all have a fate, but it doesn’t make us follow a strict path like dolls, it is full of bends and twists. Knowing this I can’t blame someone for the turns I’ve chosen but I want to. I want to blame someone for making me feel empty inside. I want to blame everyone else for me not having it easy, but I know I can’t. G-d gives you what he knows you can handle and even though I’m not handling it well now I can’t help but feel I’ll handle it well tomorrow or the next day. I guess I took a few wrong turns and I gave my heart to the wrong person, but little by little I’ll make my way back and little by little I can get my heart back. I don’t want to feel empty and if I can see the way to not feel empty I’m going to try and take it. I don’t want the idle resignation to my wrong choices. I may love them but I want to awaken my happiness. It may be overly optimistic for me but I want to be happy. I deserve it. I’m a child of this new generation. It’s a generation filled with all kinds of emotional chaos and it may not be the bloody war we define as hardship but it is a war. This is a generation of kids who feel empty, dissatisfied, confused and unsure. Children who want to be the opposite of everything they’re taught. Children who want to leave in fantasy of the past and children who want to live in the fantasy of the future. Well, one day I don’t want to feel alone. I want to myself and everyone else of my generation to feel.
I’m telling you now. We may be empty shells at the moment. We may look for euphoria by cruel methods and we may royally fuck up, but we are not stagnant. I feel empty, but one day I won’t be, because I can still hope and fight for the chance to not be. We are the Indigo children.
Sorry Clotho, Lachesis, Atropos I’m not letting you decide how my life will be like and when it will end.
No one ever said growing up would be easy. You always know that it is going to suck royally at times. What you don’t know is how much you’re going to hurt, cry, smile, laugh, be exhausted or ashamed. You can never be prepared for the roller coaster. This past week has definitely been a roller coaster. I’ve burned a bridge, felt homesickness for the first time, been inspired to go out and look hot, been fired from my first sorta of job and have gone through ups and downs with my own family.The bridge I burned was with a long time on and off lover and best friend. It had been a while since we’ve been anything but a disaster. I think it was time to burn the bridge and try to function as my own independent self. The homesickness was for North Carolina. Growing up as a kid I used to spend my summers or vacations in North Carolina. My grandparents had a vacation home in Spring Hope. It’s not as cute as a town as it sounds. However, it is the town that has many of my happy memories as a kid. It is also the town I long for. I might not miss Florida, but I do miss the South in general. It is a new feeling for me. I have gone out and dressed up. Got the dusty little black dress out of the closet, put on my favorite dark lipstick and partied it up with the girls. I was determined to feel good about my self again. Like all things in the growing up roller coaster, I didn’t stay up long. I got called into a meeting that resulted in me being fired from my position for “communication” reasons. I’m not going to say anything about this other then that it was bullshit. They even thanked me for my extra work on my way out. The family thing was just the usual. So it was definitely a crazy week for me. I can only manage to get through it with music, writing, gym time and a good new friend. I may be sad now but soon I’ll look back on it as just growing pains.
The South – The Cadillac Three (Ft. Florida Georgia Line, Dierks Bentley, Mike Eli)
Redneck Woman – Gretchen Wilson
Zydrate Anatomy – Repo! The Genetic Opera