June Writing Mini-Camp: Day 19

Hi Hi Y’all!

Since, this is my first writing camp I haven’t really had it planned well. BUT I AM FIXING IT NOW! Until, the end of June I will have a post a daily reminder of the monthly camp and a day challenge to keep yourself going!

Day 19:

Reach out to any of fellow writer’s you know and check in! Tell them about your WIP and what it inspires in you.

I.L. Knight

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The Golden Girls Theme Song

Time Management Problems :

Hi Hi Y’all,

I am sitting here in the laundry room, trying to multi-task, and decide how I should fix my recently worse than normal time management problems. I find the fact that an annoying building resident has decided to open and spread out three bags of laundry over the table I am sitting at a highly distracted and detractor in this mission of mine. Never the less, I shall work my hardest to execute a decent and productive plan for the rest of my summer and its expected achievements. Let us begin with the goals, shall we:

  1. Finish the updated Chronicles: A Tale of Shadow & Light
  2. Have the print version out sometime within June
  3. Publish the ebook version of my poetry book, Confessions of a Teenage Poet out within a month’s time.
  4. Begin a steady schedule of Podcast episodes
  5. Since once a day doesn’t seem to be happening, at least three blog posts a week with a hopeful set days for each
  6. Steady and predicably timed updates of Fan Fiction & an increase of Fan Portal chapters
  7. Major desired updates of all my sites
  8. The introduction of a proper beginning of my publication house, Knights Publications
  9. The completed draft of the web novel series, made with the brilliant outremusings, H x E Volume 1
  10. Lose at least 20 lbs
  11. Get a B- in my Japanese course and return in a semi-successful manner to a McGill student.
  12. If I have extra money, and possibly raised my credit score, I would love to finally get beginning level decent equipment so I can start streaming again.
  13. Finish copyrighting all of my works and tittles
  14. Becoming even more organized within my life and increasing my adorable DIY projects
  15. Save money for a trip either this upcoming winter break or next summer
  16. Hold my first meet & greet or book launch party in Montreal/ get in more book stores as a ‘local author’ ; possibly without the need to dress up and present myself as the stereotypical image of an ‘indie’ author.
  17. To work on my efforts towards friendships and going out. My penssion for social isolation does unsubjectively need to be corrected.
  18. To increase the time and attention I put towards taking care of my mind and body’s health.
  19. To challenge myself to not only dress up in nicer clothes but the clothes I always wanted to wear and was too scared to before.
  20. TO KICK ASS AND LOVE MYSELF.

So, we can break down a few of these I think. The first is a simple explanation of the draft site The Crows Nest Co (Co as the regular site was already taken by some bastard who was considerably inconsiderate of my personal affairs). My podcast is amply named the Crows Nest as to highlight my peculiar and quirky nature. As for themes and topics, season one is set to be a mixed bag of testing material. Not too complicated at the moment. The next break downs I believe would then be my fan fiction page and my fan portal page. I seriously need to keep up with the random requests for a steady schedule of star trek and harry potter based episodes. Further, I would like to increase my pretty much finished 8-9 Volumes of the Maou-sama no Machizukuri! ~Saikyou no Danjon wa Kindai Toshi~ . Next, I would like the catch up of my Marvel and DC related stories and images. They seem to catch quite some attention and I have both fear and hopes for their possible attention by the respected comic companies. Next, I think I have failed at properly showing the support and love towards Chinese web novels such as Against the Gods, Douluo Dalu, Tales of Demons and Gods and 1/2 Prince. Lastly, to focus on the updates of Hakai no Miko, Overlord, Re: Monster in my sites series updates (possible Shadow Hunters as well due to its rising popularity). While, my fan portal just needs an increase of my lovely tender fans not only commenting on my site and social media more but asking for such works.

The only thing I wish to break down is the works of @Outremusings. She is a frequent co-author on web novel series and fan fiction series such as: Star Trek, Hp 1, Hp 2, H x E and AHS. In addition, I have the honor of featuring on her new podcast series and promote her new website, undisclosedmusings.com.

As for these goals, if you have any questions, comments or concerns let me know. Because, trust me, I have a shit ton of them myself.

I.L. Knight

P.s. I also really need to figure out previous page and next page options don’t I?

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She Works Hard For The Money – Donna Summer

And Here I Went & Had It Slip Out :

I did something I really shouldn’t of done at the dinner table. A very rude comment slipped out from my mouth and I am normally better than that. I really do ascribe to the belief that when you are in conflict with someone there exists a certain social obligation to not bring that into a social environment with people around. Maybe it’s the Southern thing in me, but I feel it is completely rude and disgraceful. So letting my resentment slip out in a comment is a bad reflection on myself more than mistakes my mom has made with me.

But it did slip out. And I can’t change that now. So all I can do is describe my feelings about it and what caused it to happen here. Since my mom and I aren’t in a place were we can talk about our feelings.

Here it is. I was sitting in the car on the way to dinner with my grandma and my mom. And they were talking about my mom’s struggles with selling her house. It’s been a very long chaotic process and my family is in real estate and loves to talk about it. Further more, my grandparents have always been very good at recognizing my aunt’s accomplishments and her part in helping my mom out sometimes. Which is something I recognize as a problem for my mom. Since she was the older sister and school things were always harder due to her dyslexia and certain mental illness that runs in the family. It is hard for her to watch her younger sister have unhealthy tendencies and still get praised more then her or her daughter.

Still, I think I was feeling the pressure of being unproductive and folding to my anxiety recently and so I was feeling really down. The thing is I had to be open about something I was working on and proud of. I figured telling my grandmother and the rest of my family first was better then going to my grandpa about it. Because he really hasn’t aged well when it comes to his temper and his ability to recognize anything I am doing. So when the conversation ended about real estate I tried to bring up my L.L.C. It didn’t go well.

They immediately said tell us later, maybe over dinner, and went back to their real estate conversation to talk in more circles. And that probably hit me harder then it should of, because of where I was at mentally that day. But it’s really hard sometimes being held to this ridiculous standard of what is an accomplishment for me and the fact my family is very surface level about me. They don’t really respect or acknowledge that I am a human being with feelings and struggles until I get into a major problem. And then even then it’s about the disappointment of it all. It hurts that they never dive past the shallow to actually get to know me and fight my introverted nature. I hate the fact that everything I do is so very easily dismissed and no one ever wants to talk about it. Even if they will dwell on other people’s conversational topics. My grandparents consider me as their third daughter, and yet I feel like I am a robot they expect to be perfect so they feel like they’ve accomplished their dreams through me.

So when they dismissed it, I felt something a little worse then slighted. Betrayed. Ignored. Unloved. Lonely. Most sad adjectives really. I kind of felt numb, but at the same time that everything I do is worthless in the end. Here I was struggling to find the perfect holiday gifts for them, because I now had my own money and they didn’t really care about the gifts or me growing up. They made me feel like a side piece that was expected to handle everything on their own, because their support was painful. Meanwhile, I began to dwell on their attitude about presents. With my grandma her presents are always kind of shady. Like a free coupon for a blow out the last two years in a row, because she doesn’t think I do my hair enough. With my aunt she’s always been the slightly better one with her craziness in finding good gifts. I mean, she once made me a Shinee shirt with the wrong member, because she remembered their name. It was cute. My mom really is the kind of the worst at gifts. She always gets me jewelry. And yea I like them, but it is never something I really want or appreciate on my birthday or on a holiday. And she always said she can’t help it, because jewelry catches her eye. It’s just every year getting the same thing you don’t really care about is more then just unsurprising, it kind of hurts as a buildup kind of pain. Here I hunt for jewelry for you, because you love it and even advise the rest of the family on what you love. And you ignored my need for a new laptop to buy me a diamond necklace on my 21st birthday. I can’t wear it, so you took it and wear it yourself.

Plus there is their reaction to gifts I give them. They either move on or go it’s cute, thanks, and then move on still. My grandpa didn’t care about the cute Trump mug I got him about liberal tears. My grandma didn’t care for more then a second that I found a cute coffee cup that said ‘coffee makes me poop’ when that is her current catch phrase. My mom at least wore the rose quartz masala beads I got her for a night. Which is okay. And my Aunt did recognize I noticed she needed a new credit card slip for the back of her phone. She even enjoyed the monogram and that it was black leather. Still, it hurts.

So here I was ruminating on that in the car ride to Olive Garden and then we get there. And I am silent in a corner as they talk about more real estate. It never ends. By the time dinner got to the end I never got to say my good news. Hey family, guess what? I own my own business at 21! Wahoo~ Yea, that news didn’t really come out at all. So I was like yo, let me tell my good news. And they all sighed and basically implied yea just get on with it already. And I did. And they didn’t really care. My grandma was like okay and turned away from my direction. My mom then asked why. Which my grandma said she didn’t understand my choice, because I am not in the place to spend money and school is most important. My Aunt said congrats. My mom said an argument to defend my grandma when she saw my face. I couldn’t respond and then they moved on.

The thing is my mom felt bad and a little while later why my grandma was paying the check she turned and tried to say congrats and be supportful in her but this kind of way. The thing is I was already deeply hurt by then. Doing this was a huge thing for me when I have so much pride I don’t do things for the risk of failure and their opinions on it. So when she commented how could I not tell her sooner, she wouldn’t of yelled at me for being on my computer so much I slipped out this:

Because I don’t like you.

And then the table went silent. And I immediately in my head had to be like OH SHIT. But in my typical fashion I put on a ‘I don’t give a damn I am a proud cold fish’ sort of face. Which made my mom freak out more. She was all like seeee she starts everything and hates me. I.L. Knight is awful blah blah. I.L. Knight is evil blah blah. We don’t have a relationship, because she hates me blah blah. She is a rude bitch blah blah. And so in increasing in the I am monster sort of comments. Of course my aunt turned away and ignored it, because she only says anything when she feels like I am scary psychopathic monster. Which is impossible by the way since I am emo about my emotions. But even my grandma was silent and disappointed. She completely turned away and didn’t say anything. Even though she knows about some of my hurt with my mom. We had talked about earlier how the present thing was messed up. Yet, she couldn’t give me the grace of looking at me when she knew why I was sort of down today.

It reinforced in my mind that to them I was damaged goods. Before it was like there were just cracks to the perfection a person was supposed to have. Now, I was completely gone. I was an unfixable project with sociopathic tendencies.

I used to be better about my slip ups. I was perfect about pretending to be happy and dedicated to the goals they had for me. Since going to college and dealing with growing pains and health problems, I have lost my perfectly crafted mask. And in the process have really felt my tendency towards depression.

I don’t know. Here I am finally trying to pick up the pieces and they are more anxious about my 7 year old cousin’s interest in Ouji Boards then the fact some times I feel like my body is on fire and I can’t walk in the morning. Because, I leave it at I’m tired to much.

The silent ride home was really great guys. I am building more resentment towards my family over holiday presents,

I.L. Knight

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Daddy Why Did You Eat My Fries – Adventure Time

Oh Father – Madonna

Thanksgiving :

“I promise this is not a post about how it is a fact that commercial Thanksgiving has effectively destroyed for an even bigger more obnoxious commercial Christmas. It isn’t a post about the atrocities of settlers on Natives. Nope, it’s not about any hard to accept truth. It’s just about a girl who needs to complain.”  — Disclaimer

I will be the first to admit that I wasn’t feeling the holiday spirit at all. I mean family can S-U-C-K… But, I was looking forward to the feast that was Thanksgiving!

The universe, however, was looking forward to SERIOUSLY fucking me over. I know I need to move past my issues and accept my new physical limitations, but this was just BULLSHIT.

To wake up on the morning of Thanksgiving with Oral Ulcers (tiny blisters). I mean let’s just FUCK IT ALL Universe. I don’t even see a point in challenges anymore.

I.L. Knight

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Thanksgiving Song – Adam Sandler

Halloween

Some people do well with a routine and some people are the sorts that need to live by a routine to function. I probably lean towards the latter. I mean having a routine definitely takes the stress off of life. And with my recent memory fog issues it is the Biggest Saving Grace to getting through life.

This sort of thing definitely extends to somewhat minor and cheesy parts of your life… Like perpetuating your favorite color into everything, having a favorite shape that must be expressed and of course having a set ranking system for random things in life…Like Holidays.

For me, the number one best holiday would have to be Saint Patrick’s Day. No, it is not because I’m Irish. Technically, I’ve got a little bit of Scottish in me, but even that isn’t the reason why.  It’s the best, because it’s all about having fun with drinking, parades, food and pranks. It’s the result of the world’s best recipes.

However, a close second to this is Halloween. I mean, it is IMPOSSIBLE to resist the whole their is a historical/ritualistic reason to dress up and be naughty all night recipe. It is a complete day of absolute importance.

Yet, why is it on this hallowed day I have to look at a fact about myself that I hate the most: being used. When I graduated high school I swore to myself that with my new found knowledge on life I would stop giving so much for people that I would get nothing in return for it.

It isn’t turning out well at all. Over the last three years all I’ve done is find out more past examples, rush through the burning of bridges and recently be the employee everyone can use.

I cover everyone’s shift. EVERYONE’S. ALL THE TIME. Yet, not once have they covered mine. So when I put in a three weeks notice that I need Halloween off to trick or treat with my baby cousin and her friends OFC no one could happen to be free. Yes, I expected no one would want to willingly give up their Halloween night (come on people, it is a Tuesday, WHAT ARE YOU EVEN GOING TO DO), but to have some of my co-workers not even fake the social politeness of a fake reason to be unable to do it. It’s not like I can’t not show up for my shift if there’s no one to cover it.

So on a holiday I love for so many reasons that aren’t drinking until I can’t remember anything I have to man a front desk at a gym. Stand there and hand the few people who aren’t doing anything this night their tiny towels and their disgusting tasting protein bars. All in my Halloween costume which I practically demanded that I be allowed to wear. – I mean I did pay for it. –

I can’t help, but feel so used. Like everything I am working for is just some joke I tell myself. You exist to be used. Even on holidays that mean a lot to you and your family. You will always be the person who has to cover up for the people who don’t care about you.

A tragic Halloween filled night is awaiting…

I.L. Knight

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This is Halloween – The Nightmare Before Christmas

 

New Years

If there is any place on the Eastern Seaboard that could bring me back from my up and down mindset, it is indeed the Latin Quarter of Quebec City. Filled with old french styled buildings, tourist trap boutiques, amazing little cafes and bistros, there is nothing but pure serenity and joy in the streets. I can’t even put into words how magical the experience was. I suggest that if your parents want to go on vacation for New Years, tell them about Quebec City. You have amazing clubs for twenty year olds, restaurants, lounges and tourist spots for families and a beautiful winter scene that only an artist could do justice describing. 
Before I left to go, I was bogged down on if I can change, become what I needed to be, but when I got there I managed to not think about anything like that. It was able to clear the mind of a super hyper ADHD over thinker. That says something of the city. Furthermore, a pessimist like me is saying I had fun and just enjoyed. It has been age since I have been on a vacation with y family and enjoyed it. Not even fire and oil could ruin my time.

Thank you Quebec city. Thank you for the magic…

A content and wide eyed,
I.L. Knight

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Black Magic- Little Mix

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Hazy Shade of Winter – The Bangles

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A New Day has Come- Celine Dion

A Not So Jewish Christmas…

Sometimes being Jewish in December is exhausting. Every where you go Christian friends are like squirrels on crack cocaine. Your town is slowly, or in some cases over night, turning into a “joy” den. All while you are dreaming of staying in with a glass of wine and some premium Chinese take out. After all, the end of December is your hibernation period.  The time when wild animals fight each other for deals on electronics, marked down sugar and ugly socks for the cousins no one likes. Who in their rational mind would venture out into that? No, it is much safer for the Jewish girl to enjoy a night filled with delicious asian food, normal music and the chance to be entertained by something non-TV related. Even more enticing is the chance to spend quality time with other non-Christian friends and gossip like busy bees about the past year. As per custom of the non-included statements like, “Santa Claus isn’t real”, “not even the point of Christmas”, “everything is stolen from other holidays”, “capitalistic creation” and “I’m pretty sure Jesus was born in March” are thrown out year after year again. Just like a cult ritual, preparation for a New Year came with identifying ourselves as separate from the Coke Brother’s jolly red suited man. Every year becoming a joke of waiting for a heap of coal. 
This year didn’t follow my comfortable expectation. I returned from college to a mom unusually hyped up on candy canes and yule tide glow. It wasn’t to her excitement that the week Christmas music, “traditional” activities and constant chammer of Santa visits had my mood at an arctic level. For once there was snow in Florida and the freezing chill was coming from our holiday home.  Imagine to both our surprises when I actually enjoyed a version of Christmas. After the complaining about capitalism and religious politics ended, I admitted to liking having a small tree for the first time. That I actually and secretly loved the song silent night. That making cookies at a holiday party with friends was adorable and spending Christmas eve and Christmas having a nice family dinner is amazing. 
This was the spirit of Christmas- family bonding. It was the same feeling all the other December holidays held. All were about unconditional love. So even if I wasn’t a fan of Christmas, I was definitely a fan of spending good times with the family. After all, no one cares more for you or loves you deeper then your own family. It’s all in the blood ties and holiday spirit. 
I.L. Knight
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Thanksgiving

Somehow, I ended up writing a rap this thanksgiving break. I guess after a night of terrors and watching a homemade movie of old memories kind of made me emotional.

Coming home is meant to feel so good
Remembering the joys of childhood.
But we gather around this awkward table
just looking through distorted eyes and throwing labels.
You’re fatter, stupider more of a fag.
G-d maybe they should make like Grey and invest in some gags.

The Apple Cider will be flowing
And mom will be counting the hours till going.
But my concern is a lip-lock
so potent and dangerous like Socrates and hemlock.
I better not drink or I’ll die.
Don’t need to be another thinking they’ve been crowned by versailles.

My head hurts, I could be pregnant
With a peasant’s kid
Whose floated through my life like a cheap ass tenant.
Isn’t this shit supposed to be magical and pleasant?
Jesus Christ, provide this selfish fool with an exit.
Or at least something like on last happy remnant.

I’m too young to be tired and sick
vowed to never be like my mom, dependent on a redneck hick.
And yet I’m tired from a free kick,
looking for magic and hope from a broomstick,
measuring the time till death with a yard stick,
In awe by a candle’s light able wick,
And remembering the times I’d lick a dick
like some kept chick,
now just wanting it to hurt from more then just a flick.
Fucking men and their schtick.

I should of cut deeper,
lived my life cheaper,
and took more meds to be a sleeper.
Then maybe the Heaven’s score keeper
Will see me as a more then the mistreated door keeper.
I can be the victor of a game keeper
And avoid praying for the grim reaper.

If college and home don’t work,
Then maybe I’ll do more then drift through life like a lurk.
And be more then my sororities quirk.

Shit, Y’all. I’m tired.
And already dreaming of being retired. 
Whose got the time to try and be desired.
It’s not like I have hope to be inspired
or someone’s heart required.
All I am is tied up and wired.

I.L. Knight

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Something’s Gotta Give-All Time Low