I Almost Died Again… :

Hi Hi Y’all~

So GUESS WHAT? I almost died again! Maybe… I could of just been badly injured…. ANYWAYSSERIOUSLY I CAN’T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED.

I live in a business and bank district so even in the winter time I’m expecting to have at least some streets salted and regular winter codes of conduct followed. BUT NO.

There in a moment someone didn’t follow the established rules AND started to push snow and ice off the roof a pretty large building.

BY  SOME MIRACLE, or some weird sixth sense I never knew I had, my feet stopped moving all of a sudden AND RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME a giant block of ice exploded on the ground.

The piece of ice was larger than my fat cat and if my feet hadn’t stopped all of a sudden it would of no doubt landed straight down on my head.

I’m not going to say I had an Oh My God Life is precious and I need to to suddenly be pro life and motivational speeches moment…. But I have certainly have done in a recheck.

Everything has been pretty good and happy for the last few weeks for me. It’s been like getting back on the right track and picking up speed in the right direction again. AND THEN THIS!?

I don’t know how to take it. I’m not a super religious person or a completely nonreligious person so it’s not like there’s a book that tells me how to take the event in a specific way. So I’m just going to take a moment and pick a meaning… I guess?

For me, I think I’ll take this as a grace or blessing or a reminder that even in happy times I have to keep to a schedule. This way I won’t continue my trend of getting complacent and forgetting to do the steps that let me be happy in the first place.

Mhm. That’s the reaction and lesson I’m taking from this experience.

Anyways, Can you believe I almost died again? 

I’m only 23, y’all.

I.L. Knight

P.s. I couldn’t help screaming ‘Holy Shit’ in the moment~

06b

If I Die Young – The Band Perry

Why Things Never Seem To Stay On Track With My Mother :

Let me say this, I love my mom. And I’ll say that as many times as I need to so it could be understood.

HOWEVER

Our relationship is always this up and down roller coaster I’d rather not have chosen for myself.

The problem is it always feels like I am giving 80% of the effort to adjust or change a behavior to make the other person happy. That’s why all those good intentions and feelings she have always fall short. Especially, when I was younger.

Things have been better between us the last year and I honestly think it is because I have done a lot of growing up on my own over the last few years. Growing out of the childhood phase and into a more adulthood one means I’ve developed better control over how I process and unleash my feelings on her.

But something she said tonight is just one of those clear triggers that can undo years of progress: you may have to give up school for a year.

I had to say goodbye immediately out of not knowing what I would say. Because I have worked SO HARD to be where I am in life. SO FUCKING HARD. And I’m not going to even go into to it here because I don’t even know how to.

BUT I HAVE TO AT LEAST SAY WHAT WAS SAID TO SOMEONE IN SOME FORUM. 

Because I am so scared of bottling these feelings inside me when I am still off my medication. I am so scared that these words came at a time when I am using all of my will power to remind myself how hard I’ve worked to get to where I am and how happy and proud of myself I should be.

It’s so hard for me to recognize that I am a person who wants to be alive because they can live for things sometimes and this is just comes rolling off a tongue so easily. Without even a consideration to the effort I put in to just waking up and not thinking it’s okay if I die today.

I love my mom but I also have times I really fucking hate her.

I.L. Knight

[ Confessions of a Teenage Poet ]

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Alyssa Lies _ Emily Osment

Reaching Out :

Hi Hi Y’all,

I got to say it’s a weird feeling when you don’t have hope towards something but receiving a normal action still somehow gives you that feeling of disappointment.

My family has no idea how bad I recently got and I wasn’t planning on telling them. However, I was just in the mood today were I needed to talk. That’s all.

But as usual the second I called my mom all I heard was her problems. Her dissatisfaction with the rest of the family and what went wrong with her day.

I mean it’s not something that’s a big deal or should be. It just feels systematic I guess? Heavy on my shoulders and back.

Physically, I can feel my spine collapsing even more into me and myself hunching over. In all of these cases, never once has she ever asked how I am. Even if I texted her before something like ‘I want to go home.’

I’m not … or was expecting anything, but I don’t know why there’s still a part of me that feels that hurt every time. A small voice that always seems to sigh out,

“What about me?”

I.L. Knight

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Somewhere I Belong – Linkin Park

Common Traits With Mental Patients :

Hi Hi Y’all~

Do you know it is common behavior for those in/out of mental health facilities to have developed habits of organization or habitual scheduling (At least those are my current words to describe it at the moment)?

I always saw it as an attempt to keep order and control within the chaos of feelings and emotions.

I don’t know if I ‘m right. I am by no means and expert or consulted one about it.

I can tell you that if this is true than I’m doing something similar to them.

I’m looking for order and control.

Since I will be off my mental health medication for an even longer amount of time I have to use the spur of clarity to form direction and purpose. In a controlled manner.

I have decided to focus on my site and the small projects I had on the side lines in order to help me stay organized until I can get back on medication. That means….

IT’S GOING TO BE AN UPDATE BANZAI FOR 2 MONTHS~

Look forward to it y’all! All those little tiny side projects and cute things that could make everything better has been pushed to the front of my agenda !

Hope you enjoy them all,

I.L. Knight

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Work From Home – Fifth Harmony