The Sad Fate Of The Scum Lord :

I know it seems like talk about my family issues a lot, but if you know everything that’s not really the case. I talk about surface issues and some of the intense feelings that have built up. I think now I’m ready to shed some light on one of the intense non-talked about issues my family faces.

To sum up the background context, people died and money fights began. It became the battle of the super wealthy and the middle class. Mental Health issues and rotten personalities blew up the situation and it became years worth of drama and attacks. Family members chose sides and refused to acknowledge the other. This has gone on still to this day. It has accumulated all of the experiences together so it can form the dramatic climax of all the shitty buildup.

At the moment, the wealthy 1% has succeeded at clawing every last drop of $$$ he can from every situation. Even now, the scum lord seems to be fighting a will of a deceased person to take $$$ left to other people in the family for no other reason than stupid feelings of anger, envy and greed. It is a situation were I find myself no longer able to try and see its side of things and remember we are family. It is a situation where I remember what its actions had done to the family of the past. How its actions rippled into painful memories for me.

I am enraged. I want to be like a character in a movie and burn it all away. However, this is reality. My mother will return to earth and realize that she cannot have these spending habits on the salary of a preschool teacher. My grandparents who continuously face financial struggles must not only support the rest of the family more, but deal with the emotional burden of the scum lord’s claws. My aunt must deal with the fact the scum lord is no longer family and does not want her to have money for her young child. My cousin can only grow up without any happy memories of family due to its influence.

While, I can only see it as an insult to everything we grew up with. Yes, I have a shite ton of problems with my family. However, we were raised, they were raised, in tradition and culture. Family is never abandoned and forgotten. Family is the heart of a home. How dare the scum lord and its people trash such ideals for such pathetic reasons. Scum. Trash. Someone who need a fiction stories amount of karma retribution.

I also needed time to grow. I needed the financial help from my family to afford school and housing. Have you forgotten how many people fucked over by your greed?

It is no longer my family. It no longer will have moments to be understood. It has made my grandparents burden worse, my aunt sad, my cousin missing of a possibility and my chronically ill mother need to give more than her body can give.

I pray for karma to seek the retribution it deserves. I pray for my family and our resolve.

I.L. Knight

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Mr. Greed – John Fogerty

I’m Back (Ish) :

Hi HI Y’all,

I guess I’m starting to step back into what I was doing and aiming to do. My medications were out for over two week and that plus school/family stress turned into an ugly pool of suffering. I mean I basically had my phone off as much as possible and tried to sleep through it as much as possible. BUT, my new medication refill has arrived and the dim light has returned at the end of the tunnel. I am reminded that I have wonderful and caring people in my life. I am reminded that everyone, including me, has a potential and the ability to grow. I am reminded that I too am alive and moving slowly towards a goal. That being said I was wondering what to do or talk about since rejoining the living and breathing society… I decided on D&D.

If you follow anything of mine I am pretty sure you know I love the games- D&D in particular. I was wondering if one day in the future I would add some sort of page with related content on it or have a cool podcast of the sort with it. However, I can’t just start that and jump into it/. Instead, I’d like to just introduce some of the characters I’ve used lately (some of their images and who drew them will be on my Instagram if you wish to see).

Current Main: Glasha – 1/2 Orc Druid with a Pet Spider named Muk

Recent One Shot: Paisley – Gnome Sorcerer that takes a bit of everything and is chaotic evil(ish)

Soon To Be 2nd Campaign Of The Season: Tecumseh – Feral High Elf Ranger with a pet Panther named Pandaros

Hardest Play: Mercy a.k.a Sheriff – a Tiefling warlock with a pair of twin pistols and a bounty on her head

The Begrudgingly Non-Magic Character: Layla Alyndra Van Morgoon – an Aasimar descendant noble fighter

The One Time Only: Zale – the Aarkocra Bard that couldn’t fly because flight rules get annoying…and so was role playing a bard

The Genderbend: Aurwun Kinstalked – the fallen aasimar monk with a sketchy past and a loner disposition

As you can see, I prefer playing non-humans and things with magic. Mostly because HELLO, IN FANTASY WE CAN FINALLY HAVE THIS! Also, I love to play Chaotic Neutral and Lawful Good annoys the SHITE out of me.

However, you can play whatever you want in D&D. That’s part of the beauty of it. If you are a seasoned player or someone interested in learning you can always hit me up here or on Twitter about playing a game. Seriously, I pretty much will always have time for D&D. It heals the soul.

OH, also…I updated the RWBY Fan Fic page. I promise to actually return, fix up and add to some of the older Fan Fiction. It isn’t fair for me to keep all of it trapped in my own head.

I.L. Knight

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Dnd Beyond Official Theme

Expression Through Bad Poetry:

Hi Hi Y’all…

Returning home is always a tough battle for me, so I think I need to express my feelings through some pretty bad poetry. It is an example of some of the longer more thought provoking poetry in one of the next works I’m editing: Confessions Of A Teenage Poet. Don’t worry though, the book is a mix bag of dark, humorous and some just plain silly.

My Mother Is Abusive

My mother is abusive-

it’s not her fault.

She never intended to be-

Life just had environments

And Conditions.

My mother reminds me of pain-

And shame, rejection and rage.

She never intended to-

That I’m sure of,

But that’s how it’s been.

My mother doesn’t see-

I think we live in two realities.

She never meant to say the words,

But natural reactions come out

And the damage is done.

My mother once walked in-

On me being molested.

She never asked me what happened,

What was happening,

But she asked them.

It was natural

For me to be the ‘wrong’.

She intended to say

I was shameful

And embarrassing for her.

When I told my mom

About the rapes

The first response was-

“It’s not my fault.”

“You never said anything.”

When my health declined

And I had to learn

How to be disabled

I was over dramatic and excuseful.

Her pain was real.

When I gained weight

I was truly failed.

She wanted me to feel shame

For not being what the world ‘intended’

Or what she did.

My  mother often says

That growing up

Means changing everything

About me and what I want.

I mourn in silence.

I don’t think

Se’s a bad person.

I think she has so much

Love in her heart.

But it’s a heavy pain.

My mother is abusive-

Because she has helped

Me form these scars.

I Love You, Mom.

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Alyssa Lies – Jason Michael Carroll

 

Sometimes I Think :

Sometimes I think life is a balancing act. But not the neat kind you see in movies, tvs or what you can imagine. It’s the messy, frustrating and lack of ever just having a moment of balance kind. Maybe I should say instead that life is like a tightrope, just no net or pretty other side.

Sometimes I think about everything that makes up my life… and by sometimes I mean all the time. There’s my family. These insane people that I fight going back and forth from hate to love. This crazy thing in my life that has me permanently walking this line of doom. I mean they’ve fucked me up, so bad. Trying to have conversations about it has proven to be impossible. They just don’t get it or can’t have it. I still haven’t figured out which one it is. All I know is how bad they’ve fucked me up and how much I still love them. It feels like I’m always going to love cutting myself. Everyone around you knows it’s bad and you should stop it…but the pain…the pain is just something else outside of it all. That’s my family in my life. My grandma who needs medication and therapy, but loves way too hard. My grandfather who can’t handle anything emotional, so just pushes it away for logical judgement and brief moments of sadness and rage. My Aunt who tries so hard I wonder why she does and also half the time thinks I’m a psychopath. My baby cousin who already at seven reminds me of the mean girls in high school that had made me hate my life. My mother… my mother who breaks me down still at this age and sums it all up as I’m the broken monster in her life.

Then there’s my friends. That’s a whole ‘nother mess of complications. I’m either choosing to stay close to people who I know will respect my boundaries and stay in okay distances or I’m too emotionally attached to the idea of the friendship to do anything I should do in it. I just… I don’t know how to have healthy connections with people. I never grew up with it, and the more I try this later in life learning crap the more I think wtf I’m forever bad it. It’s like there will always be some wall or disconnect I have with people and I don’t understand why. why can’t I do that final plug in with the world.  And even on a smaller scale I have issues on making decisions when it comes to people. Just right now I’m struggling with what to say to a friend. I’ve wanted her to visit so long and she finally has…but with her bf? Fuck, I don’t even know if I have the right to be upset about it. But I am. And that could be part bf or part my other mental crap.

And there’s a lot of mental crap. I mean forget getting fucked up by all them bitches growing up. Forget child abuse, rape, molestation, bullying, isolation…. you can throw that all aside.  There’s still being bipolar, depressed, anxious, insomniac, etc… Every year the list I get gets longer and my medications get higher in dose. Hey, by the way did I ever mention: I have a chronic problem of seeing dead children at night? You can ask my mother. For many reasons I don’t want to disclose we slept in the same bed till I was 18 and leaving for university. I’m totally not mentally fucked up.

And now I’m physically fucked up. I mean literally my body is trying to make me live a long painful life instead of just killing me. Arthritis, Ankylosing Spondylitis, Fibromyalgia and a shit ton of genes that mean I’ll probably one day have more when they decide to wake up and make me miserable. I mean not being able to walk stuck in bed with craploads of pain and an hyper bipolar mind is a beautiful thing to do to someone. Oh, and lets throw in brain fog to make them be insecure about the one thing they were good at: being smart.

I hate my life, so fucking much. I spend all my time trying to fake my way into happiness because hey eventually I’ll get there. I won’t be lonely. I won’t thing a dog is a solution to all my current problems and I won’t have to stop myself from getting low enough I wonder if it would be too messy to just simply walk in front of a car. Or worry about if I should burden my friends with these thoughts or continue to play I’m killing it game.

I mean…. how do you say to people you are hate your life and you never think that’s going to change. That you are passed fear and into acceptance that you will never be married or have children because you’ll never be able to have a one. How do you tell people that when the rage and mask finally fell the only thing left of you is endless tears and this broken shell.

I am so broken. So fucked up. I honestly don’t even know why I am still here. What is even the point of me?

Sometimes I think I’m a cliche, or just some bad joke.

I.L. Knight

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Boulevard Of Broken Dreams – Greenday

Updates :

Hi Hi Y’all,

I’ve been feeling really hard core super down the last two days for reasons I AIN’T GOING TO MENTION SO GET OVER IT! But, life has to keep moving so here’s some updates.

Douluo Dalu

Just for the next few days I’m only accepting positive comments or I’m deleting them. I just need happiness and goodness for a bit.

Still Love Y’all,

I.L. Knight

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Douluo Dalu OP

I Know It Seems :

I know it seems like I’m open,

Like a house with no doors

Or a window jacked open.

But that’s simply not true.

It’s simply a joke.

I’m nothing but closed

Like a house with no windows

Or a door bolted close.

I present myself simple,

Because simple is best.

Simple clothes, simple goals

Just a little simple less.

At the end of the day I’m simple no less,

But a girl waiting wanting to be blessed.

NF wanted therapy,

Joyner wanted change,

Lil Dicky just wanted to change the game.

But all I wanted was my life to change.

For it no longer to seem like a losing game,

Or a session that’s ended with more therapy

And not a thing of gain.

I know it seems like I’m open,

But all I am is a eulogy unopened.

I.L. Knight

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Therapy – NF

Another E :

Hi Hi Y’all!

So, Part of me in the back of my head is being all like BOOO,YOU SUCK. YOU’RE BEHIND! YOU ARE SUCH A LOSER. WHY CAN’T YOU DO ANYTHING RIGHT! MY GOSH. HAVE YOU EVEN LOOKED IN THE MIRROR!

But… none of that matters today, because I’ve got multiple concept art sketches ( oops spoiler~) and…

HOLY FUCKING JESUS CHRIST…MUHAMMAD…EVERYONE! THEY LOOK SO FUCKING FANTASTIC! CAN’T HELP BUT BALL MY EYES OUT AND GO FULL ON SNOT MODE!

NOT ONLY AM I FINALLY CONCURRING MY FEARS AND HAVE A BOOK OUT ANUARY 1 (which you can pre-order now on Amazon by the way~) BUUUT EVERYTHING ELSE IS STARTING TO BECOME PROFESSIONAL AND UNIQUELY MINE!

This website is a huge part of my life. It not only brought me back from the edge of some very dark places, but continues to help me have hope and joy for what I will do in the future.

Guys, I feel so happy. I  feel so genuinely fucking happy.

Fuck.Fuck.Fuck.Shit.Cock.Mother Fucking. Aggggggh.

I am growing you guys….

I think I’m  becoming me.

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Hallelujah – Jeff Buckley

Exhausted :

Hi Hi Y’all,

I am completely and utterly exhausted. BUT. I have to push through for at least another 3 days…SO. Adding to the site today we have one chapter update for American Horror Story Fan Fiction:

Chapter 7

AAAAND… I have Part 1 of the updates for an orginal web novel series between Outremusings and myself, called H x E. There is now 21 chapters up!

H X E

Other news, I did one of those Buzzfeed thingies. I tried to go back to my past life and stuffs. So I asked myself (as instructed by the video) what have I brought with me, and this is what I saw:

The sight of tan bareless feet running….trees…I’m in a forest. I love the forest…It’s so beautiful….But I can’t think like that because I’m suddenly filled with worry…I’m fleeing from something…I can see my hands. There tan, rough. I think I’m Pacific Islander. Maybe South Asian…But my instinct says I’m Pacific Islander…. I can also feel smoke although I can’t see it….Just like how I can suddenly feel the ocean near me…I keep falling… I want to stop running…I’m exhausted…So exhausted… I just want it all to stop.. BUT..I know I can’t. I have to get where I’m going.I think I’m a screw up. That I’m not good at what I’m supposed to be good at. And now I know all these people depend on me getting there. And I hear the sound of someone crying, but I can’t see them. I didn’t know the pain could get worse…and as I run I see black start to cover my vision………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

I think I died. I don’t think I made it. I think I let down those people. Because suddenly I hear lots of cries, and know a fire is crawling towards me. That I’m about to become ashes and return to the earth…I know I never made it………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….And then I’m back in that world tree. The accumulation of all mes is a little girl with a bunny doll. And I watch her drop this tiny old fashioned bunny. I watch it fall from this tree and place that is dark and light all at the same time to empty space. Falling until somehow I can no longer see it. The words in a voice I can’t recognize linger in my head, ‘Let Go’.

Welp. That was my one fun introspective update of the week. Also, I got called a Kyke today in class. I won’t get into it, but… I haven’t been called a Kyke since I was seven and in such rural South you questioned  everything about yourself…Still processing that. But I know I’m feeling some sort of pain.

Also, to my friend Outremusings, my ride or die, I’m sorry I’ve been falling into old patterns and not being a good friend. There’s no excuse.

My goal was to stop myself from feeling so overwhelmed. It was to control my anxiety and be here in the present with the people that love me and the people I love. And you are most definitely on the top of that list.

I really just want to feel like I’ve become successful in any capacity…I want my service dog.

I.L. Knight

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Shalom Chaverim

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[ Picture is COMichael Cohen’s ]

 

Side Note – Where I’m At :

What a few days it’s been. There is so much I want to say, get off my chest. First off, I want to say I am thankful for my friends. To use one of my friends words: “I’ve been burned by a lot of people, and now I shy away from people, because ‘people are crazy’.” It’s a good description that sometimes you need to hear from someone else. These are the friends I am thankful for. Because, they’ll say something like this when they know my anti-depressants are starting ware off or just if I need to hear it.

And I’ve been needing to hear it.

For one, there’s this boy. This innocent, kind, naive adorable boy. He legitimately likes me and is eager to get to know me. But whether its genuine me or genuine insecurities that wonderfully kind boy so soon has become someone that is boring to me. And I stay with it, not wanting anything serious, but allowing this poor boy to care. It’s a new comfortable warmth. I like it. And I know that makes me a bad person, but I like having someone for the first time in my life that is like eager to get to know me and be there for me. So, I have to face that soon.

Then there’s my health. It’s like in the last two months I have a basically constant flare up. Like FUCK MAN. Every time I feel good life has to be like here’s your weekly reminder of pain, pain and more pain. I’m so sick of it. I feel like every time I start to move past my rage phase some flare up happens and I get angry all over again. It’s just not something I know how to move past. How am I supposed to survive with a body that literally hates itself and is attacking me. And my mind! I have to manage all the pain, lack of mobility, and anxiety it causes with being  manic-depressive already. I’ve fought my depressing cynical nature since I was a child. It’s always been a struggle for me to not be the sort of person who would be numb as the world ended up dying in flames. Now, I have to manage anxiety attacks and even more loathsome self image! I mean come on. How am I expected to be a fully functioning adult here. Scratch that, how am I expected to be a semi functioning human.

Will my service dog applications really help me as much as I hope it will!

Then there’s my mom. My lovely, but bat shit insane mother. All of her pain and insecurities are just thrust out at level 10 viciousness at me so much. It was so bad the last few days I actually shut down from a panic attack. I couldn’t move for over an hour. There was just shaking and panic. After it, I was even shut down the rest of the night because the stress caused a fever and more inflammation.  It’s like all my family issues, especially the ones with my mom, are being thrust at me like some world ending spear.

A semi alive state of either sleeping too much, or not sleeping at all.

Then there’s my new fond fleeting hope that returning to acupuncture once a week may help manage all of this extra pain. Of course, I have to deal with everyone telling me that a legitimate medical practice is equal to a shaman convincing you to enjoy shoving needles into yourself.

Gah! I’m also like so lonely and need to start working again, so I can afford to be at the school I don’t even want to be at. WHY DO I NOT HAVE MONEY. WHY IS THE WORLD SOOOOO…. ugh. You know, I really do work hard. I wish sometimes there was a better more immediate pay off.

Oh. Some good news! A new web novel series has been added to my site. It’s called World Conquering Dungeon! The Prologue is up, so check it out!

Thank Y’all for reading,

I.L. Knight

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These Times – SafetySuit