Finally, I’ll Get To Corona Plans :

Hi Hi Y’all…

Let’s get it out there: the world seems really fucked up for everyone right now. And I’m letting y’all know it probably won’t change for awhile. It’s a time where we all need to get together and be there for each other. Remind each other of all the things that make us laugh even though we are stuck home or even that it’s okay to be a bit blue for awhile.

As for me…

Well, I am almost done with my massive loads of schoolwork and am FINALLY going to return to my own new sort of schedule.

I’M GETTING BACK TO WORK.

So, guys… Here’s the new outlook plan for this summer: Chronicles series book 2 & 3, Finding Valhalla, Fan Fiction Splurge, Podcast Beginning at thecrowsnestco.blog and HAVING SOME FUN ADEVENTURES~

Wishing Y’all the best,

I.L. Knight

chibi 2 for site

Rise Up – Andra Day

I Almost Died Again… :

Hi Hi Y’all~

So GUESS WHAT? I almost died again! Maybe… I could of just been badly injured…. ANYWAYSSERIOUSLY I CAN’T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED.

I live in a business and bank district so even in the winter time I’m expecting to have at least some streets salted and regular winter codes of conduct followed. BUT NO.

There in a moment someone didn’t follow the established rules AND started to push snow and ice off the roof a pretty large building.

BY  SOME MIRACLE, or some weird sixth sense I never knew I had, my feet stopped moving all of a sudden AND RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME a giant block of ice exploded on the ground.

The piece of ice was larger than my fat cat and if my feet hadn’t stopped all of a sudden it would of no doubt landed straight down on my head.

I’m not going to say I had an Oh My God Life is precious and I need to to suddenly be pro life and motivational speeches moment…. But I have certainly have done in a recheck.

Everything has been pretty good and happy for the last few weeks for me. It’s been like getting back on the right track and picking up speed in the right direction again. AND THEN THIS!?

I don’t know how to take it. I’m not a super religious person or a completely nonreligious person so it’s not like there’s a book that tells me how to take the event in a specific way. So I’m just going to take a moment and pick a meaning… I guess?

For me, I think I’ll take this as a grace or blessing or a reminder that even in happy times I have to keep to a schedule. This way I won’t continue my trend of getting complacent and forgetting to do the steps that let me be happy in the first place.

Mhm. That’s the reaction and lesson I’m taking from this experience.

Anyways, Can you believe I almost died again? 

I’m only 23, y’all.

I.L. Knight

P.s. I couldn’t help screaming ‘Holy Shit’ in the moment~

06b

If I Die Young – The Band Perry

Why Things Never Seem To Stay On Track With My Mother :

Let me say this, I love my mom. And I’ll say that as many times as I need to so it could be understood.

HOWEVER

Our relationship is always this up and down roller coaster I’d rather not have chosen for myself.

The problem is it always feels like I am giving 80% of the effort to adjust or change a behavior to make the other person happy. That’s why all those good intentions and feelings she have always fall short. Especially, when I was younger.

Things have been better between us the last year and I honestly think it is because I have done a lot of growing up on my own over the last few years. Growing out of the childhood phase and into a more adulthood one means I’ve developed better control over how I process and unleash my feelings on her.

But something she said tonight is just one of those clear triggers that can undo years of progress: you may have to give up school for a year.

I had to say goodbye immediately out of not knowing what I would say. Because I have worked SO HARD to be where I am in life. SO FUCKING HARD. And I’m not going to even go into to it here because I don’t even know how to.

BUT I HAVE TO AT LEAST SAY WHAT WAS SAID TO SOMEONE IN SOME FORUM. 

Because I am so scared of bottling these feelings inside me when I am still off my medication. I am so scared that these words came at a time when I am using all of my will power to remind myself how hard I’ve worked to get to where I am and how happy and proud of myself I should be.

It’s so hard for me to recognize that I am a person who wants to be alive because they can live for things sometimes and this is just comes rolling off a tongue so easily. Without even a consideration to the effort I put in to just waking up and not thinking it’s okay if I die today.

I love my mom but I also have times I really fucking hate her.

I.L. Knight

[ Confessions of a Teenage Poet ]

tumblr_orpl7raPgu1rs6g05o1_400.jpg

Alyssa Lies _ Emily Osment

Reaching Out :

Hi Hi Y’all,

I got to say it’s a weird feeling when you don’t have hope towards something but receiving a normal action still somehow gives you that feeling of disappointment.

My family has no idea how bad I recently got and I wasn’t planning on telling them. However, I was just in the mood today were I needed to talk. That’s all.

But as usual the second I called my mom all I heard was her problems. Her dissatisfaction with the rest of the family and what went wrong with her day.

I mean it’s not something that’s a big deal or should be. It just feels systematic I guess? Heavy on my shoulders and back.

Physically, I can feel my spine collapsing even more into me and myself hunching over. In all of these cases, never once has she ever asked how I am. Even if I texted her before something like ‘I want to go home.’

I’m not … or was expecting anything, but I don’t know why there’s still a part of me that feels that hurt every time. A small voice that always seems to sigh out,

“What about me?”

I.L. Knight

anime-manga-drawing-crying-girl-sad.jpg

Somewhere I Belong – Linkin Park

Common Traits With Mental Patients :

Hi Hi Y’all~

Do you know it is common behavior for those in/out of mental health facilities to have developed habits of organization or habitual scheduling (At least those are my current words to describe it at the moment)?

I always saw it as an attempt to keep order and control within the chaos of feelings and emotions.

I don’t know if I ‘m right. I am by no means and expert or consulted one about it.

I can tell you that if this is true than I’m doing something similar to them.

I’m looking for order and control.

Since I will be off my mental health medication for an even longer amount of time I have to use the spur of clarity to form direction and purpose. In a controlled manner.

I have decided to focus on my site and the small projects I had on the side lines in order to help me stay organized until I can get back on medication. That means….

IT’S GOING TO BE AN UPDATE BANZAI FOR 2 MONTHS~

Look forward to it y’all! All those little tiny side projects and cute things that could make everything better has been pushed to the front of my agenda !

Hope you enjoy them all,

I.L. Knight

ddd9a2b4ff58474e3762780e5b5a364e

Work From Home – Fifth Harmony

 

HAPPY HALLOW’S EVE & Fan Fiction Fridays ~

Hi Hi Y’all~

It’s Halloweeen y’aaallll~

I was saving this upcoming [ #FFF ] Fan Fiction Friday for this exact day. Let us liiiive in the fantasy for one day of horror and treats. I have prepared for you all and for our crazy little Sam quiet a selection.

 20 + New Chapters of Harry Potter

1 New Chapter of  Eragon

2 New Chapter of Shadow Hunters

1 New Chapter of American Horror Story

1 New Chapter of A Demon Lord’s Tale

&

[ COMING SOON ] New Chapters in Chilling Adventures of Sabrina

 

Also, to remind you all and get your spirits up… Remember TOMORROW NANO WRI MO BEGINS~

ARE YOU SIGNED UP WITH BLOG? ON DISCOURSE? WITH ANYONE?

You should check Twitter for groups.

I.L. Knight

102918-jackolantern-pumpkin-halloween.jpg

~ This is Halloween ~

Random Lyrics, Poems & Words :

Hi HI Y’all,

I’m just thinking about some random lines that appeared in my head. They had this soft hum I haven’t thought of.

I wonder what they know?

I wonder what they see?

Is it the tares in me?

Why do I feel so low?

Why do I feel

Why do I feel

Why do I feel

I feel

 

I feel so low

I don’t know guys? Just some random words set to a random tune in my head.

I.L. Knight

123-1237339_smoke-boy-man-manga-sad-draw-blackandwhite-sad.jpg

Falling Away From Me – Korn

Mass Fan Fiction Updates Continue :

Hi Hi Y’all

As promised, here is the next flood of updates for the fan fiction/ web novels on the site.

Harry Potter: Reformated + addition of three new character profiles -> Autumn & Mina , The Beauty & The Crow / The Story Of Dragons

Chapter 2 in the new Legend Series !

The Originals: Reformatted the messy draft to give you a proper Chapter 1

AND

Orginal artwork from the amazon @Eymbeeyo will be on that series page soon!

LASTLY

An idea for a web novel has been updated on the site: The Otherworld Crazed Witch Isn’t Crazed At All with its first Chapter!

I.L. Knight

9fd

Wolves – Selena Gomez

 

Back Pain & Why Tattoos :

Hi Hi Y’all,

I know more and more I talk about chronic illness. It’s not meant to just be a purge, a kvetch or a notice for recognition. Lately, my flare up have just been getting worse and longer. All the advice doctors gave and the awkward hard to explain moments just seem worse. More then ever, I am just tired. So very tired…

A friend of mine is coming up to visit me in April and I am so excited to have someone see where I go to University and be an understanding friend. I had been debating when ( and more importantly) where to get a back tattoo I have always wanted.

When I was a kid I was obsessed with Yakuza movies, samurai movies and ronin movies. I loved the traditional colorful tattoos on them and the values that seemed to come with them. As I got older, learned more about what it meant and how it was perceived I didn’t want such a large piece anymore. For awhile, I thought about abandoning the idea completely.

Then I got my diagnosis and I started to reconsider. What eventually solidified the desire to get the tattoo was this increasing problems. My drugs are increasing and surgeries that seemed far off seem sooner and sooner. More and more I feel like I am missing out and that I’ll miss out on things even more in the future. Weighed down by everything around me and having it all be unseen is taking a bigger toll on me. I can do less then I used to at the moment and no one really sees it or understands it. More and more I have to come to terms with being seen by the average person as a ‘disappointment’.

It’s these things that make me stop caring about some of the things I used to. If I feel like life is short and changing so much for me I have to at least do the things I enjoy? A giant back tattoo or some crazy visual representation of all my problems probably won’t do much for me, but that doesn’t mean I can’t stick to aesthetic and feel as if I did something to show it.

My back has two curves and a tiny hump on my neck. At the top of my spine there are signs of bones thinning and possibly going to fade away. As you got to the bottom of my spine fusing has started, my hips are out of place and my legs are now two different lengths. None of this can be seen or understood unless I give up and say I want to walk around like Quasimodo so people notice me. That is always going to be the reality of my back. Anything from now on won’t be seen.

I like small minuscule and thin lined tattoos. Normally, I don’t want color and just want simple black. I’ve known since I was small I would want tattoos that represented ideas that meant a lot to me in life. Knowing this it isn’t hard for me to know what sort of tattoo I’d get on my back.

At the top of my neck, I would want in thin black lines Vegvisir. Vegvisir is one of the most popular Nordic charms. It wishes for the person to never lose their way in storm and bad weather even if the path is unknown. I don’t think there is anything more symbolic of everything going on then that. However, there is one more reason. My great grandma’s mother was a Swedish Orphan. She had come to the U.K. and met a Spanish Jew. They married and moved to the U.S. Apparently, unlike her husband and the efforts she put into now being Jewish and raising Jewish kids she never gave up her belief system. She was very very very Christian. I’m talking crosses and bloody Jesus pictures everywhere sort of Christian. Yet, there was one thing that my great grandma remembered seeing even when she didn’t know the name of it until I told her: Vegvisir. In a legacy where only food and some old myths managed to be passed down, my great grandma could vaguely in her dying times remember seeing Vegvisir as a child. Now how could I argue with that? Jewish or not, my great grandma read me Nordic myths as I was growing up, joked how if it was true Odin was 100% cooler than Zeus, and how we were meant to be tough because it was just in our blood. I’m traveling rough waters right now and maybe that means it isn’t just about being Jewish, but remembering all beliefs that helped create me.

Underneath Vegvisir is the real highlight though. Running in small thin lines will be the I Ching and its 64 changes. For a person of my aesthetic and weirdness (and love for Asian culture) what is better then 64 line patterns each symbolizing a different part of early understanding and divination? Nothing. Seriously, nothing at all. My life is certainly one of change and phases, of fortunes and dis-fortunes, and of joy and sadness. These line patterns will follow the crooked path my spine takes all the way to my tailbone. Maybe it will seem funny to some, but to me it’s a little part of the truth. And when these inevitable surgeries come, the scars appear on my back and the fight through new types of pain begins, I have marks of it all. Little lines that exist as part of scars and as part of the journey.

Going through all of this has taught me that living behind a mask is no longer something I’ll really be good at again. My body demands of me the truth. It demands that I grow past the angry cynical jaded girl I was when I was young and try to find the joy of life. It tells me that it will not tolerate lies and will only tolerate truth.

Don’t I have to do it then?

I.L. Knight

P.S. Odin really is way better. Norse > Greek everyday <3

Vegvisir

118bb4986d85cdbd2a7772c617d3b31d

I Ching

61tgwP5WRbL._SY679_

Pagan Folk Music – Vegvisir