Opportunities Are Knocking On My Door –

In the book D’aulaires’ Book of Greek Myths, and some exaggerated lip postcard, the idea of opportunity being all around you is a prominent theme. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS LOOK. hahahaha is it? Is it worth the struggles to help my friend in a business we both only know a little about? I tend to think so. It feels like a step of freedom. Of that whole animal totem of needing to step forward, be unchained and forge your own path. Maybe try to be a leader for once? opportunity seems to be knocking, and I think it is to remind me not only what my passions are, but that I’ve always enjoyed being there for others. It isn’t about how cynical and jaded I am. It’s just about being present in the world around me. Struggles, or not. I just need to be here in this moment and time. Trying. Thinking about the climb and nothing else… I guess? Maybe this is the central conflict. Can I reconcile my ambitions, with my desire to be there as a teacher for those around, and my ever present issue of separating myself an extremely unhealthy family environment? Come on Stream of Consciousness provide me with an answer.

I think I get it universe. How to solve my falcon and wolf,

I.L. Knight

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Story Of My Life – One Direction

The Climb – Miley Cyrus

When You Lose An Absurd Amount of Motivation :

Man, it really sucks when you were riding on a high and then you feel a tremendous drop. It’s like I went sky diving with out the parachute and no one told me I didn’t have one.

I just feel so low lately. Maybe my grandpa’s dismissal of the steps I’ve made affected me more than I thought… I mean, I spent the longest time of my life trying to live up to his expectations. And it was true I prepared for the back lash when I started making my own decisions.

I accepted his throwing my savings in my face when I got a tattoo. I accepted the humiliating post on Facebook about me crossing the Rubicon. But still. Life is starting to feel like a bore. Release from it seems temporary.

I need to hurry up and move to Kyoto and start feeding my stray cats,

I.L. Knight

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Kinkakuji Kyoto

 

So Forget About Last Night :

Maybe yesterday didn’t hurt the most. Maybe this morning even didn’t. Maybe it’s just a dull constant that becomes more sharp in moments. I remember the resentment and hurt I harbor. In any case… this morning hurt.

I never wanted wanted to tell my grandparents – No. That’s a lie. A part of me always did, but was scared of the reaction. I never could handle failure very well. But more than that I can’t handle the reaction to it.

But I had to tell them, my grandparents, that I formed an L.L.C. this time. Because the address I used is their address. All the documents I need will be going to T-H-E-I-R house. And the reaction to it was to be expected – disinterest to questioning why I’d waste the money I had earned from working. And even if I could explain to them that they were over dropping me to work early so I could pick up more hours to fund what I love it wouldn’t matter to them. Because when you are smart the standard they have of what is actually an accomplishment changes.

Yet, still it stings. I never wanted their flattery or attention. I just wanted the understanding of people who raised me that when I dust myself off and try that’s not a failure. Life doesn’t go from bad to great and just stay there. It’s a process and a journey. And if they don’t want to be a guide then at least make me remember I can lead myself.

Trying. Picking yourself up slowly. It isn’t a failure Mamma & Dad. It’s not a waste of money.

I am serious about my own journey. I can make a life out of what I love. So this L.L.C. will fill me with pride. I need to believe in my own strength.

The pain you gave me will hurt enough for a lifetime, but not trying will hurt me even more,

I.L. Knight

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Down With Sickness – Disturbed

Because of You – Kelly Clarkson

Motivation & Updates :

I’m finding it so hard to stay motivated and do what I got to do to build myself up as a trying to be an adult person that makes what I love earn money lately. There’s just so much going on :

  1. Healthcare forms/drug aid forms for both US/Canada
  2. Business Licensing
  3. Moving
  4. Last Week of One Of My Day Jobs equaling picking up crazy hours of extra shifts
  5. The Holidays I’m missing and the frustration of my crazy family about it
  6. Sleep Problems
  7. Inability to still get all of heavily important medications
  8. The stress of returning to school with no close friends (the pains of adulthood) and a bunch of disappointed professors in me + OH YEAH MEMORY FOG ISSUES
  9. The exhaustion of Funcutional Training and the toll it has on my body
  10. The desire to find time to WRITE MY OWN SHIT
  11. The necessity to go last minute shopping for goods and clothes which I had hated even before I gained weight
  12. Still being in the very early stages of my recovery/adjustment of my auto-immune disease diagnosis
  13. Just generally being an awkward skeletal panda thingy mabob
  14. Balancing my Mental Health and my barely recognized depression and suicidal nature

I’m so tired y’all. I don’t even have the energy to pop on my new filter for my mic,

I.L Knight

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Sick and Tired – Anastacia

So I Know I Wrote A Schedule :

Dear My Few Followers,

I know I wrote a schedule that I intended to follow, but I have decided not to post anything for two days. I think it is important to least have a day of reflection on the death of an individual. And in Korean culture reflection and mourning lasts for 2-3 days normally. Considering this, I cannot in good conscious post anything about my feelings of stupid life moments.

In honor of a bright individual that was taken from the world too soon I cannot do anything, but hope you understand.

There will be a flood of updates to make up for it at that respective time.

I.L. Knight

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Gloomy Clock – IU (Ft. Jonghyun)

Hallelujah – Rufus Wainwright

Tears In Heaven – Eric Clapton

Kim Jonghyun + Kpop :

When I woke up yesterday I was met with the saddest news of this year. The death of Kim Jonghyun. It was something I couldn’t believe. I thought it was some bad joke from the Naver community. He was in the prime of his life, successful and most of all seemed happy.

His group, Shinee, had successfully crossed into the overseas market and he himself had his own radio show and composing career. More then that, he had one of those voices that touched a person. Thinking about all of this just hurt my heart more.

And then I heard it was suicide. My heart broke. I remembered how Shinee was the only Kpop group that I saw their debut. How much I played the song on repeat and how it was one of the first Kpop songs I was able to share with my friends that they liked too. Even though I didn’t like their recent music, Shinee would always have a place in my heart. It was one of my first connections with people I had.

They seemed so strong and happy within a notoriously unhealthy environment. They were dedicated and able to retain the positive. But they were also showmen and they were able to make us not know we were wrong. None of us saw how much he was a gentle and caring individual. And that really hurts. Because individuals like that can be rare and deserve the support they need.

We all know how bad the Kpop community can be. Unhealthy work hours, lack of deserved money, intensely scary environments with sasaeng fans, the intense pressure from the Korean society as a whole, a lack of the ability to be an individual and all for the fame and the love of music. It’s an extremely hard environment to thrive in, let alone remain happy. Yet, we are so slow as fans to help change it. Because we don’t want to give up the continuous performances and fan interactions from the idols. So we ignore the the things that come out about the companies and the struggles of those in the community. We fucking suck.

I can’t help feeling like I put Kpop in a weird an untouchable bubble. I had a rough emotionally abusive at times childhood. So many hours were spent alone. The weird childhood I had of Korean cartoons, trot music and the early stages of Kpop helped me retain some sense of pride in myself and connection to something in the world. I felt like a good person to understand and be part of something that wasn’t my community. You could go into my room and Finkl’s Blue Rain would be playing as I forced myself to spend my free time studying so hard to make my parents happy. And even though I am a huge advocate of speaking out about Mental Health in your community I put Kpop separate from that. I knew it was wrong and I didn’t care. And now an important musician lost their life to that behavior of mine…of ours.

We ignored the problem and it lead someone to lose a fight he never should of had to do.

He begged the world, his family and friends to let him go from a company that could only say sorry about tragic news coming from out of nowhere.

Jonghyun couldn’t feel even his breathing anymore. And all we can do is put roses in front of a grave.

Kim Jonghyun you will be missed. I pray you find the peace you were denied in this life in your lives to come.

Once a Shawol always a Shawol,

I.L. Knight

 

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Chop Suey ! – System of A Down

Inside The Fire – Disturbed

누난 너무 예뻐 (Replay) – Shinee

Finally Taking a Step :

So because of someone named Mina, I am now actually working with trying to figure out OBS ?_? . It’s not going great guys. BUUUUUT  to flash a little hint of what we were trying to get work before LAG took over.

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Figuring a funny Intro video before we get into all of the other stuffs?

I.L. Knight

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I’ll Be There For You – Bon Jovi

On Raising Children In New Money South Florida :

Everyone likes to say raising children and being a young family in New Money South Florida is just one of those things that happens, because it it is a good environment for it. It’s not. Raising your child in that environment is one of the worst things you can do! Trust me, I grew up in Boca Raton, been to most of the schools and have 2 relatives in the Education system.  DON’T DO IT. It’s not worth it in the end. TRUST ME. The things I’ve seen, heard and experienced would make some tv shows about American teenagers and their lives look understated.

That being said, every once in awhile you meet a family that somehow is keeping everything right. Today I got to have a conversation with one such a family. To think the lesson of Be Kind survived in their children. In the entire family! Furthermore, even though the youngest daughter is having problems in school with making friends she’s ACTUALLY a happy, hopeful and full of SMILES! IT’S REMARKABLE! !!(⊃ Д)⊃≡゚ ゚

To those of you who don’t know the area, let me tell you this is on the same level as the rarity of… Well, anything that’s ever been rare basically. It just doesn’t really happen here!

I feel so blessed and happy to have been able to witness it. It sort of gives me the tiniest sliver of hope for humanity again. And to be asked by their family to continue to be a role model for the kid and help make her laugh… Bull shit or not, it kind of makes my heart flutter in ways I forgot it could.

Please don’t ruin her wold and let her keep these supportive parents!

I.L. Knight

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One Tribe – Black Eyed Peas

Benihana’s :

I’ve been wanting to say this for YEARS :

Benihana’s SUCKS. And let me tell you why. First off, for a Japanese restaurant there’s barely any “Japanese” meal choices on the menu. And yea sure they are a Hibachi resteraunt, but even your hibachi doesn’t really resemble “Japanese-American food” anymore with your stomachache inducing garlic butter  bad BBQ. Secondly,  every time I am forced to go to one they are out of something important. Like 1/2 of their Sake menu or Tamago! How does a Japanese restaurant run out of Tamago? Let alone a restaurant run out of eggs!?!?!?! Plus. there is no actual Japanese desserts on the menu. For an over priced restaurant there should be SOME authenticity to the actual cuisine you are trying to represent in the slightest. Mad props to the owner/creator of Red Flower, becauseyou managed to seel 1/2 ass over priced food to a bunch of dumb Americans who just want large portions. 凸ಠ益ಠ)凸

And even though I don’t find your restaurant worth it all, I am still forced to go because you have brainwashed my Aunt to require her birthday there EVERY YEAR.

Your Japanese birthday song and Ramune Soda ain’t cute. So over it,

I.L. Knight

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Benihana – Trey Songz