Childhood & Naruto

I think there is a part of me that will never grow up. BECAUSE THE NEWS OF AN OFFICIAL CONTINUATION OF NARUTO THROUGH HIS CHILDRENS’ GENERATION HAS ME LIKE A SQUIRREL ON CRACK COCAINE. I have gone through the steps of re-crying over Neji’s death, re-igniting my love for Naruhina, marathoned shippuden/the last/Boruto and prepared myself for the apparent sci-fi twist of the new series. I am so excited. I need spring 2016 to just come so I can keep reading. I am dying to see the character development of Himawari, a possible relationship between Himawari and Inojin, HER HAVING THE FOX, the expected relationship of Boruto and Sarada, their character developments and in general just to see how badass all the kids will be. I can’t wait to see how the kids reflect both parents and the relationships the other villages have with each other now. 

I.L. Knight


Himawari-Hearts Grow

A New Battle

Part of the dilemma of having insomniac periods is that a lack of sleep ruins a lot of things in your body. One of those in your sanity. It’s why no one wants to diagnosis me with the more fun labels. They say, “let’s clear the sleeping issues,” over and over again. For awhile, even I thought that maybe my breaks from sanity were really just from the fact I don’t sleep. Then, after a week of being close to a normal sleeping schedule (which I got miraculously after quitting my anxiety meds), I had an episode. It’s not something I’m normally comfortable speaking about. Joking about insanity, and blogging about depression is one thing, but taking the step to admit that I may be bi-polar or schizophrenic is another. It’s the step no one wants to take right now. I guess I have too though. I had a horrible hallucinatory episodes. Thirty minutes after I fell asleep, I woke up to scratches on the walls, that same horrible voice telling me everything I fear was in the room and the horrible sight of a person that won’t go away. My roommate heard me spring up and whimper and cam running into my room. Seeing as I’ve never shared with him that mental illness has taken the path towards insanity, I had to lie about was going on. I sat their silent, grim faced, looking out at the person. Two minutes later I managed to tell him I was fine, it was just a nightmare. He went back to his room. Too bad it was a lie. The image and noises didn’t go away for thirty minutes. Afterwards, I had a sudden panic attack that wouldn’t settle for three hours. It wasn’t something I could control. It was something that left me with a sleepless night. A night that I tried to fix by drinking. All it did was leave me in a rap battle with one of the Frat kids I knew, that was up for none partying reasons at 4 a.m. It’s the night after and I already feel the residual fear and panic surfacing in me. I know it will be another sleepless night. Hopefully, there will be no images or alcohol. I could even avoid a break from really bad white rapping skills. I’ll say this though. When it comes to exercise or panic attacks. Only rock and rap will get me through.

A weary,
I.L. Knight
My Rap:
Hold up.
I don’t know if I wanna start
It’s been awhile since I’ve torn myself apart.
Holding on to all these images
Of some young white girl
And the Jewish Privilege.
I’m not as stable as I want to be.
Just the product of wrath, jealousy, boredom
of the nouveau-riche wannabe.
But you challenge me to fight
Thinking that born to money
is some G-d given right.
That’s my problem with you.
That your attitude is as infectious
as the common flu.
You just keep bringing this all back
Trying to make me ok
With racism, bigotry, sexism and sexualizing my rack.
That same shit left me alone
struggling for my sanity.
Searching for the magical fantasy
where my worth is fixed by my moan.
You will come at me about my color,
Hell I know albino
makes me unique to a certain squalor.
Yes, I know you think I’m part
Of this imaginary religious throne
That I fail at finding
the ideal satisfier of some hormone.
But maybe before you drop crap
about some fat girls 
simple rap.
You re-examine your own self worth
because I’d bet a dollar the dead are rolling on your birth.
Thinking you’d be some mighty king.
The David and Goliath of their small, bought ring.
Yet, their left with a little boy paying
for friends, grades, girls and the right to be seen
like an individual whose been praying.
Worry less about what other’s say
And maybe you’ll be the one the gospel will praise for your return from stray.
You can be one of the masses who hears your Lord’s sway.
Now I’ll be nice, end it here
Unlike you who talks with money and childish fear.
I stand, arms wide to my flaws.
Not some simple follower
but the maker of the future supreme laws.
P.s. Rap battles don’t ruin friendships… just to point out (it’s meant to hit weak points)

An Update

I know at times I tend to be a little much. It doesn’t escape me that behind and in front of my backs I am known to be intense at times. I always want to apologize for that. I want to learn how to be in the middle. Being too up or down isn’t good for social relationships. And that’s the final aim right? To be able to be and comfortable with people…Not only comfortable with people, but comfortable with the ups and downs of a week. 
This week was definitely full of ups and downs. There was the big downs of hell and the unexpected ups that got me through the week. I’m going to start with the downs, because I really want to end on a more positive note. I think it’s good to remind yourself that things will eventually turn towards a positive end and ride on a that wave for awhile.
The first disaster of the week was over my family not liking my choice of halloween costume. Silly, I know. But somehow my choice of going as skeleton shooter Tate, from American Horror Story, got misinterpreted as me being a psychopath and not being competent to take care of myself or live on my own. It led to my mother telling me she was gonna call my college and my grandmother freaking out that she should come up and check in on me. It was not a pleasant experience. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t cry. No one enjoys being labeled a psychopath (which I am not..).
The second issue was being called in for a vote on wether or not I was fired from a job I was already fired from (UNFAIRLY I MIGHT ADD). Apparently they hadn’t gone about it constitutionally and needed to vote on it. It was all really just for show and by the end of it I felt roasted and presented in a horrible light. The third thing was a result of these two things. It was my first ever panic attack. One that hit hard and fast. I barely even remember it. What I do remember is my roommate finding me in the dark on the floor of our house, curled up in a ball and listening to some country music. I had no idea how long I had been there. My next memory is when I woke up the next day and in my bed, with the cuts on my arm. It was my roommate who told me what I did. I remembered doing them later on in the week. I’m not too worried about it though…I don’t think it will happen again. I have many overly angsty vices and issues, but this is not one of mine. I am more worried about not remembering doing it and what led me to doing it at all. 
Now, for the positives.The first one is going to seem a little weird. My close friend is checking on me through my blog. Not out of worry, just because I am really bad at long distance communication. And to be honest, it makes me feel good. Flattered, almost. It shows my friend cares about me, even though I suck at communicating with her. Plus, I can use it to check out her own hidden blog . It’s pretty good blog, even if she totally tells everyone about checking on me! The second good thing was being able to get some studying down! Thank Jesus and Hallelujah! It’s been forever since I’ve been able to get decent studying done. This was just what the doctor ordered for me. The last was a combination of three days of good sleep and forcing myself to enjoy going out with friends. It really helped pour gold into the cracks of my shell. 
All in all, at the end of this I feel more determined to try and continue to do things I don’t normally like to do and continue working on myself. Not everything in life needs to be about the bad that goes on. Sometimes, I can be present in all the little acts of good.
I.L. Knight