Sometimes I Think :

Sometimes I think life is a balancing act. But not the neat kind you see in movies, tvs or what you can imagine. It’s the messy, frustrating and lack of ever just having a moment of balance kind. Maybe I should say instead that life is like a tightrope, just no net or pretty other side.

Sometimes I think about everything that makes up my life… and by sometimes I mean all the time. There’s my family. These insane people that I fight going back and forth from hate to love. This crazy thing in my life that has me permanently walking this line of doom. I mean they’ve fucked me up, so bad. Trying to have conversations about it has proven to be impossible. They just don’t get it or can’t have it. I still haven’t figured out which one it is. All I know is how bad they’ve fucked me up and how much I still love them. It feels like I’m always going to love cutting myself. Everyone around you knows it’s bad and you should stop it…but the pain…the pain is just something else outside of it all. That’s my family in my life. My grandma who needs medication and therapy, but loves way too hard. My grandfather who can’t handle anything emotional, so just pushes it away for logical judgement and brief moments of sadness and rage. My Aunt who tries so hard I wonder why she does and also half the time thinks I’m a psychopath. My baby cousin who already at seven reminds me of the mean girls in high school that had made me hate my life. My mother… my mother who breaks me down still at this age and sums it all up as I’m the broken monster in her life.

Then there’s my friends. That’s a whole ‘nother mess of complications. I’m either choosing to stay close to people who I know will respect my boundaries and stay in okay distances or I’m too emotionally attached to the idea of the friendship to do anything I should do in it. I just… I don’t know how to have healthy connections with people. I never grew up with it, and the more I try this later in life learning crap the more I think wtf I’m forever bad it. It’s like there will always be some wall or disconnect I have with people and I don’t understand why. why can’t I do that final plug in with the world.  And even on a smaller scale I have issues on making decisions when it comes to people. Just right now I’m struggling with what to say to a friend. I’ve wanted her to visit so long and she finally has…but with her bf? Fuck, I don’t even know if I have the right to be upset about it. But I am. And that could be part bf or part my other mental crap.

And there’s a lot of mental crap. I mean forget getting fucked up by all them bitches growing up. Forget child abuse, rape, molestation, bullying, isolation…. you can throw that all aside.  There’s still being bipolar, depressed, anxious, insomniac, etc… Every year the list I get gets longer and my medications get higher in dose. Hey, by the way did I ever mention: I have a chronic problem of seeing dead children at night? You can ask my mother. For many reasons I don’t want to disclose we slept in the same bed till I was 18 and leaving for university. I’m totally not mentally fucked up.

And now I’m physically fucked up. I mean literally my body is trying to make me live a long painful life instead of just killing me. Arthritis, Ankylosing Spondylitis, Fibromyalgia and a shit ton of genes that mean I’ll probably one day have more when they decide to wake up and make me miserable. I mean not being able to walk stuck in bed with craploads of pain and an hyper bipolar mind is a beautiful thing to do to someone. Oh, and lets throw in brain fog to make them be insecure about the one thing they were good at: being smart.

I hate my life, so fucking much. I spend all my time trying to fake my way into happiness because hey eventually I’ll get there. I won’t be lonely. I won’t thing a dog is a solution to all my current problems and I won’t have to stop myself from getting low enough I wonder if it would be too messy to just simply walk in front of a car. Or worry about if I should burden my friends with these thoughts or continue to play I’m killing it game.

I mean…. how do you say to people you are hate your life and you never think that’s going to change. That you are passed fear and into acceptance that you will never be married or have children because you’ll never be able to have a one. How do you tell people that when the rage and mask finally fell the only thing left of you is endless tears and this broken shell.

I am so broken. So fucked up. I honestly don’t even know why I am still here. What is even the point of me?

Sometimes I think I’m a cliche, or just some bad joke.

I.L. Knight

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Boulevard Of Broken Dreams – Greenday

Let Me Love You :

I have to admit it. I am sadder than I thought, Two days of unconsciously reversing my day and night schedule. The denial of how much I’ve slipped so far in 2018. A set of days spent with an obsession of finishing Twilight Fan Fiction because of remembering to take your Ritalin and guilt towards your mom. No more interest in Bravo or slow Jrock ballads. A Saturday of a youtube worm hole featuring Lorde related playlists and glee clips.

I am a sad person, who get scared every time she looks at the door and realizes she’s supposed to be walking through it. Scared of having to actually face the tiny tasks of entering adulthood. Or becoming actually okay with a body that feels like it’s refusing to work. To somehow become okay with the fact that after spending four years to lose weight and maintain it you are fat again. To wake up and not see the weak and rotten person you have become. To try and summon up the will to see people.

I’m just so fucking sad right now.

Even as I write this, Jake’s let me love you is playing, as tears stain the pages I originally wrote this on, and images of the multiple times in your life you’ve been molested or raped. Wondering to myself when was it exactly that I lost my virginity. Which time? When was it that I officially lost my ability to be okay with my body. To be okay with myself.

Was it when I was locked in the closet? When I was alone in my house? When I went hunting for the first time and felt happy for the animal to be part of some circle of life? Maybe it was when I spent seven years of my life only thinking about a toxic person? Maybe it’s right now, hearing this song, realizing statistically I have a dismal chance of anyone feeling that for me. That I am alone in the world. Sad. Crying. Trying for scraps to sustain some shell of a person.

Because everything about is some sort of pain or trauma. I can’t even think of something that wouldn’t be. Never being poor? I think it is a sick joke in the world that having money alone doesn’t mean much. What is it even when you don’t have enough of it to spend it constantly as a distraction.

I could literally die right now, and it wouldn’t mean that much. Because every night I go to bed worrying about how this could be my last night and how that would probably provide me with some relief in just not having to wake up the next day.

Being broken is a pleasant description for people like me. Being a sad reflection maybe being the best compliment we can get. It’s not like we are never not sick at any time in our lives. G-d, I even have to live with snotty tears since fixing my nose. Even when I tried to fix it to help me breathe better. That, and again caving to some pressures of someone else.

Man, after twenty one years of my life I just wish I’d have some root as a living person. Because sadness alone doesn’t do it. It doesn’t sustain you. It doesn’t motivate you. It doesn’t connect you to anything.

You are just sad. And that is your existence. I wish I could admit to myself or to other’s how much I need someone to say they’d love me even if I’m not loving myself. Not that I would even be able to try and find it. I’d probably just become some sick joke of going from completely untouchable to touching everything in sight. And then what I even really become? Some peephole feature in a temporary pop up art exhibit in Japan?

I don’t even know how to end this…

I.L. Knight

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Let Me Love You – Glee Version

If I Were A Boy – Glee Version