OMG – Lucifer :

Here’s the scoop everyone. Lucifer just did the most amazing thing ever! It had an entire episode of Kpop references that didn’t make the whole thing come off as forced or awkward. I mean naming a drug K POP that was being sold by a Korean gang is PRICELESS. And when I heard Shinee’s Lucifer as the actual Lucifer was walking down the karaoke bar’s hallway I sort of wanted to cry. You could hear Jonghyun’s amazing vocals, so clearly in the background. It was like a perfect homage to an amazing singer.

No words to describe this episode. Thank you Lucifer and Thank You Cain.

I.L. Knight

rush

Lucifer – Shinee

And Here I Went & Had It Slip Out :

I did something I really shouldn’t of done at the dinner table. A very rude comment slipped out from my mouth and I am normally better than that. I really do ascribe to the belief that when you are in conflict with someone there exists a certain social obligation to not bring that into a social environment with people around. Maybe it’s the Southern thing in me, but I feel it is completely rude and disgraceful. So letting my resentment slip out in a comment is a bad reflection on myself more than mistakes my mom has made with me.

But it did slip out. And I can’t change that now. So all I can do is describe my feelings about it and what caused it to happen here. Since my mom and I aren’t in a place were we can talk about our feelings.

Here it is. I was sitting in the car on the way to dinner with my grandma and my mom. And they were talking about my mom’s struggles with selling her house. It’s been a very long chaotic process and my family is in real estate and loves to talk about it. Further more, my grandparents have always been very good at recognizing my aunt’s accomplishments and her part in helping my mom out sometimes. Which is something I recognize as a problem for my mom. Since she was the older sister and school things were always harder due to her dyslexia and certain mental illness that runs in the family. It is hard for her to watch her younger sister have unhealthy tendencies and still get praised more then her or her daughter.

Still, I think I was feeling the pressure of being unproductive and folding to my anxiety recently and so I was feeling really down. The thing is I had to be open about something I was working on and proud of. I figured telling my grandmother and the rest of my family first was better then going to my grandpa about it. Because he really hasn’t aged well when it comes to his temper and his ability to recognize anything I am doing. So when the conversation ended about real estate I tried to bring up my L.L.C. It didn’t go well.

They immediately said tell us later, maybe over dinner, and went back to their real estate conversation to talk in more circles. And that probably hit me harder then it should of, because of where I was at mentally that day. But it’s really hard sometimes being held to this ridiculous standard of what is an accomplishment for me and the fact my family is very surface level about me. They don’t really respect or acknowledge that I am a human being with feelings and struggles until I get into a major problem. And then even then it’s about the disappointment of it all. It hurts that they never dive past the shallow to actually get to know me and fight my introverted nature. I hate the fact that everything I do is so very easily dismissed and no one ever wants to talk about it. Even if they will dwell on other people’s conversational topics. My grandparents consider me as their third daughter, and yet I feel like I am a robot they expect to be perfect so they feel like they’ve accomplished their dreams through me.

So when they dismissed it, I felt something a little worse then slighted. Betrayed. Ignored. Unloved. Lonely. Most sad adjectives really. I kind of felt numb, but at the same time that everything I do is worthless in the end. Here I was struggling to find the perfect holiday gifts for them, because I now had my own money and they didn’t really care about the gifts or me growing up. They made me feel like a side piece that was expected to handle everything on their own, because their support was painful. Meanwhile, I began to dwell on their attitude about presents. With my grandma her presents are always kind of shady. Like a free coupon for a blow out the last two years in a row, because she doesn’t think I do my hair enough. With my aunt she’s always been the slightly better one with her craziness in finding good gifts. I mean, she once made me a Shinee shirt with the wrong member, because she remembered their name. It was cute. My mom really is the kind of the worst at gifts. She always gets me jewelry. And yea I like them, but it is never something I really want or appreciate on my birthday or on a holiday. And she always said she can’t help it, because jewelry catches her eye. It’s just every year getting the same thing you don’t really care about is more then just unsurprising, it kind of hurts as a buildup kind of pain. Here I hunt for jewelry for you, because you love it and even advise the rest of the family on what you love. And you ignored my need for a new laptop to buy me a diamond necklace on my 21st birthday. I can’t wear it, so you took it and wear it yourself.

Plus there is their reaction to gifts I give them. They either move on or go it’s cute, thanks, and then move on still. My grandpa didn’t care about the cute Trump mug I got him about liberal tears. My grandma didn’t care for more then a second that I found a cute coffee cup that said ‘coffee makes me poop’ when that is her current catch phrase. My mom at least wore the rose quartz masala beads I got her for a night. Which is okay. And my Aunt did recognize I noticed she needed a new credit card slip for the back of her phone. She even enjoyed the monogram and that it was black leather. Still, it hurts.

So here I was ruminating on that in the car ride to Olive Garden and then we get there. And I am silent in a corner as they talk about more real estate. It never ends. By the time dinner got to the end I never got to say my good news. Hey family, guess what? I own my own business at 21! Wahoo~ Yea, that news didn’t really come out at all. So I was like yo, let me tell my good news. And they all sighed and basically implied yea just get on with it already. And I did. And they didn’t really care. My grandma was like okay and turned away from my direction. My mom then asked why. Which my grandma said she didn’t understand my choice, because I am not in the place to spend money and school is most important. My Aunt said congrats. My mom said an argument to defend my grandma when she saw my face. I couldn’t respond and then they moved on.

The thing is my mom felt bad and a little while later why my grandma was paying the check she turned and tried to say congrats and be supportful in her but this kind of way. The thing is I was already deeply hurt by then. Doing this was a huge thing for me when I have so much pride I don’t do things for the risk of failure and their opinions on it. So when she commented how could I not tell her sooner, she wouldn’t of yelled at me for being on my computer so much I slipped out this:

Because I don’t like you.

And then the table went silent. And I immediately in my head had to be like OH SHIT. But in my typical fashion I put on a ‘I don’t give a damn I am a proud cold fish’ sort of face. Which made my mom freak out more. She was all like seeee she starts everything and hates me. I.L. Knight is awful blah blah. I.L. Knight is evil blah blah. We don’t have a relationship, because she hates me blah blah. She is a rude bitch blah blah. And so in increasing in the I am monster sort of comments. Of course my aunt turned away and ignored it, because she only says anything when she feels like I am scary psychopathic monster. Which is impossible by the way since I am emo about my emotions. But even my grandma was silent and disappointed. She completely turned away and didn’t say anything. Even though she knows about some of my hurt with my mom. We had talked about earlier how the present thing was messed up. Yet, she couldn’t give me the grace of looking at me when she knew why I was sort of down today.

It reinforced in my mind that to them I was damaged goods. Before it was like there were just cracks to the perfection a person was supposed to have. Now, I was completely gone. I was an unfixable project with sociopathic tendencies.

I used to be better about my slip ups. I was perfect about pretending to be happy and dedicated to the goals they had for me. Since going to college and dealing with growing pains and health problems, I have lost my perfectly crafted mask. And in the process have really felt my tendency towards depression.

I don’t know. Here I am finally trying to pick up the pieces and they are more anxious about my 7 year old cousin’s interest in Ouji Boards then the fact some times I feel like my body is on fire and I can’t walk in the morning. Because, I leave it at I’m tired to much.

The silent ride home was really great guys. I am building more resentment towards my family over holiday presents,

I.L. Knight

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Daddy Why Did You Eat My Fries – Adventure Time

Oh Father – Madonna

So I Know I Wrote A Schedule :

Dear My Few Followers,

I know I wrote a schedule that I intended to follow, but I have decided not to post anything for two days. I think it is important to least have a day of reflection on the death of an individual. And in Korean culture reflection and mourning lasts for 2-3 days normally. Considering this, I cannot in good conscious post anything about my feelings of stupid life moments.

In honor of a bright individual that was taken from the world too soon I cannot do anything, but hope you understand.

There will be a flood of updates to make up for it at that respective time.

I.L. Knight

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Gloomy Clock – IU (Ft. Jonghyun)

Hallelujah – Rufus Wainwright

Tears In Heaven – Eric Clapton

Kim Jonghyun + Kpop :

When I woke up yesterday I was met with the saddest news of this year. The death of Kim Jonghyun. It was something I couldn’t believe. I thought it was some bad joke from the Naver community. He was in the prime of his life, successful and most of all seemed happy.

His group, Shinee, had successfully crossed into the overseas market and he himself had his own radio show and composing career. More then that, he had one of those voices that touched a person. Thinking about all of this just hurt my heart more.

And then I heard it was suicide. My heart broke. I remembered how Shinee was the only Kpop group that I saw their debut. How much I played the song on repeat and how it was one of the first Kpop songs I was able to share with my friends that they liked too. Even though I didn’t like their recent music, Shinee would always have a place in my heart. It was one of my first connections with people I had.

They seemed so strong and happy within a notoriously unhealthy environment. They were dedicated and able to retain the positive. But they were also showmen and they were able to make us not know we were wrong. None of us saw how much he was a gentle and caring individual. And that really hurts. Because individuals like that can be rare and deserve the support they need.

We all know how bad the Kpop community can be. Unhealthy work hours, lack of deserved money, intensely scary environments with sasaeng fans, the intense pressure from the Korean society as a whole, a lack of the ability to be an individual and all for the fame and the love of music. It’s an extremely hard environment to thrive in, let alone remain happy. Yet, we are so slow as fans to help change it. Because we don’t want to give up the continuous performances and fan interactions from the idols. So we ignore the the things that come out about the companies and the struggles of those in the community. We fucking suck.

I can’t help feeling like I put Kpop in a weird an untouchable bubble. I had a rough emotionally abusive at times childhood. So many hours were spent alone. The weird childhood I had of Korean cartoons, trot music and the early stages of Kpop helped me retain some sense of pride in myself and connection to something in the world. I felt like a good person to understand and be part of something that wasn’t my community. You could go into my room and Finkl’s Blue Rain would be playing as I forced myself to spend my free time studying so hard to make my parents happy. And even though I am a huge advocate of speaking out about Mental Health in your community I put Kpop separate from that. I knew it was wrong and I didn’t care. And now an important musician lost their life to that behavior of mine…of ours.

We ignored the problem and it lead someone to lose a fight he never should of had to do.

He begged the world, his family and friends to let him go from a company that could only say sorry about tragic news coming from out of nowhere.

Jonghyun couldn’t feel even his breathing anymore. And all we can do is put roses in front of a grave.

Kim Jonghyun you will be missed. I pray you find the peace you were denied in this life in your lives to come.

Once a Shawol always a Shawol,

I.L. Knight

 

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Chop Suey ! – System of A Down

Inside The Fire – Disturbed

누난 너무 예뻐 (Replay) – Shinee