As you’ve just seen there’s been a flood of posts. This was due to some pain I was having from a flare up in my joints. But fear not good folks, De pain is…manageable-ish. Writing updates and websites are scheduled to come in large waves this upcoming week. Because I’ve decided to challenge myself! An actual post a day and one type of other update. AT LEAST! If I’m so scared to return back to school I at least need to be able to do something like this! Right?
A nervously determined,
Defying Gravity – Wicked
When you come home from a long, unproductive but fun day only to realize in that moment the whole reason why you are falling apart. The reason that has always nudged at you, slowly methodically since you were a child. You realize that you are lonely. Not just in the I think I need a bf way, real friends way or even a close family. The kind of lonely that makes you feel like you are an island, drifting alone at sea. John Donne, wrote, “That no man is an island, entire of itself.” It means man is a social creature and is tethered to a rational, happy reality through pure social bonds. When you don’t have those social bonds you become an island alone at sea. That is what draws in the madness, the fear and the tears. Maybe, at the end of the day, the shallow neighbor, the misunderstanding mother and oddly insistent grandmother are right. Maybe the only way to be happy when you reach a certain point of discontent, is to find a person who forces you to love yourself again. Maybe love is actually a strong force. The last resort tether before madness? If my grandma is right, then all I need to do to fix my problems is hit the gym, dress up more, find a boyfriends and go out. The problem is I’ve spent my whole life liking basically one person. Not that I want that one person back. I am finally well over that boat, rationally at least. I just don’t think I’m as over it as I want to be emotionally. I don’t miss him, not in the slightest. I miss what we were sometimes. To me, he was the one person who I knew would never leave me. He was the only assurance I had in a life that meant a lot of fluctuating. He wasn’t ever supposed to leave and he did. He was the one who took those carefree steps away from me. That is an act, I don’t think I can get over. It’s like opening up a wound I didn’t know I had. Now there’s all this bleeding and even if the doctor is telling me he can stitch, I don’t know if I can get the right stitches. I mean, if finding a new love is the answer, I don’t know what to do. I am twenty years old and I’ve never been a date. Never really had to purposely flirt with anyone, try to hookup with anyone; hell, I don’t think I even know how to like someone new or even try to find them. Tinder scares me. I’m the top of person who fails at making a virtual life great. How can I make the real one amazing, if I clearly don’t know the right choices? All I want to do is curl up a couch, switch between pints of Chinese food and Oreos with peanut butter, watch movies and cry. The problem is I don’t have a couch, there’s no one to come be with me when I cry and at the end of the day I think that would just make me feel worse. Even if I know deep down that I need a really good cry. I don’t get what’s wrong with me. Why I can’t every flip the switch and be happy. I’m always stuck in the g-damn dim light setting. I just want out. I want to be this adventurous, fun person I dreamed of being. Someone who made people life, think and try things they wouldn’t necessarily do. Instead, I’m stuck as their go to listener. That’s about it. I mean I’ve moved passed the bro zone in most cases to the you remind me of my mother. I’m twenty, shouldn’t I know be at the Bubbe phase yet?
Lost and Confused,
Clotho, Lachesis, Atropos
I don’t know what to write about anymore. Thousands of words and ideas just flow through my head trying to distract me from what I don’t want to admit. I feel empty and alone. So much is going on around me and I am not strong enough to stand through it smiling. Steven Tyler said Every life has a measure of sorrow, and sometimes this is what awakens us. If this is true who decides how much sorrow? As I kid I always thought it was the three fates, that Clotho- the spinner-Lachesis- the measurer- and Atropos- who at death with her shears cuts the thread of life- didn’t just measure our lives but what it was filled with. I figured only blind women could decide how much good and bad we’d have. As I grew older I realized it was stupid to think three women who work with mathematical numbers measure out emotion. We all have a fate, but it doesn’t make us follow a strict path like dolls, it is full of bends and twists. Knowing this I can’t blame someone for the turns I’ve chosen but I want to. I want to blame someone for making me feel empty inside. I want to blame everyone else for me not having it easy, but I know I can’t. G-d gives you what he knows you can handle and even though I’m not handling it well now I can’t help but feel I’ll handle it well tomorrow or the next day. I guess I took a few wrong turns and I gave my heart to the wrong person, but little by little I’ll make my way back and little by little I can get my heart back. I don’t want to feel empty and if I can see the way to not feel empty I’m going to try and take it. I don’t want the idle resignation to my wrong choices. I may love them but I want to awaken my happiness. It may be overly optimistic for me but I want to be happy. I deserve it. I’m a child of this new generation. It’s a generation filled with all kinds of emotional chaos and it may not be the bloody war we define as hardship but it is a war. This is a generation of kids who feel empty, dissatisfied, confused and unsure. Children who want to be the opposite of everything they’re taught. Children who want to leave in fantasy of the past and children who want to live in the fantasy of the future. Well, one day I don’t want to feel alone. I want to myself and everyone else of my generation to feel.
I’m telling you now. We may be empty shells at the moment. We may look for euphoria by cruel methods and we may royally fuck up, but we are not stagnant. I feel empty, but one day I won’t be, because I can still hope and fight for the chance to not be. We are the Indigo children.
Sorry Clotho, Lachesis, Atropos I’m not letting you decide how my life will be like and when it will end.