Cold & Updates :

Hi Hi Y’all…

*cough cough*

Yea, I have been sick lately. The worst cold EVER. My voice has been up and down and my ability to function seems to fluctuate. BUT, I have pushed through to use all my energy to finish some content.

So, here we go with the updated Fan Fiction:

American Horror Story

Harry Potter

Star Trek

Maou-sama no Machizukuri! ~Saikyou no Danjon wa Kindai Toshi~

NEWLY ADDED:

1/2 Prince

That’s all for now. I promise to try and return to the outside world as soon as possible.

Oh, actually, also I made a practice bullet journal. People seem to really say it helps with organization so let’s make a practice one to see if it helps…

I.L. Knight

P.S, does anyone know how to add previous/next page options on here?

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Sing Me A Love Song – 1/2 Prince

Update On Disappearance:

Hi Hi Y’all!

Just in case you do stop by and noticed my absentee behavior I wanted to fill you in. I got super sick my last week in China. Right after I got home an important family member died, which resulted in a funeral in New York and the traditional 7 days of Shiva. After the funeral I had to be hospitalized and than my phone got taken away. My mom forgets I’m 22 and pay my own bills sometimes.

Anyways, I AM BACK. Been making money moves. And have a lot in store for you! Tune in this week for updates, changes and surprises.

I love y’all crazy fellows,

I.L. Knight

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Bodak Yellow – Cardi B

 

[ Image via withlove-thewho/Tumblr ]

Fan Fiction Updates Day #2 :

Day #2 : Harry Potter 

Character Profiles

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

That’s right y’all! Due to a request to add Albus/Scorpius Fan Fiction to my site I went ahead and bust out two intro chapters to a new Harry Potter Fan Fiction series. Normally… When it comes to Harry Potter, I only wanted posted the prologue for my RP with a friend. I guess now I have to add the RP to the site, so I can have two fleshed out stories?

Well then, enjoy ~

I.L. Knight

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Draco & Harry // Albus & Scorpius

 

[ Image via zerochan ]

Advice & Help Are Really Needed :

As promised, I am pushing myself to try and settle my issues with consistency. That being said I just wanted to introduce my Patreon… attempt at Patreon…:

https://www.patreon.com/ilknight

Also, I wanted to plead for some feedback or guidance. I am still so confused on the integration of technology. For example why/how/when do people like my posts and/or follow my site? If you can answer this or give me some suggestions I will happily follow your site….

You just need to explain how first!

Have a huge day at work tomorrow (๑⁺᷄д⁺᷅๑)◞՞ . Sooo

G’night Y’all,

I.L. Knight

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Lean On Me – Bill Withers

 

 

[ Image via Fairy Tail Wikia ]

 

So Forget About Last Night :

Maybe yesterday didn’t hurt the most. Maybe this morning even didn’t. Maybe it’s just a dull constant that becomes more sharp in moments. I remember the resentment and hurt I harbor. In any case… this morning hurt.

I never wanted wanted to tell my grandparents – No. That’s a lie. A part of me always did, but was scared of the reaction. I never could handle failure very well. But more than that I can’t handle the reaction to it.

But I had to tell them, my grandparents, that I formed an L.L.C. this time. Because the address I used is their address. All the documents I need will be going to T-H-E-I-R house. And the reaction to it was to be expected – disinterest to questioning why I’d waste the money I had earned from working. And even if I could explain to them that they were over dropping me to work early so I could pick up more hours to fund what I love it wouldn’t matter to them. Because when you are smart the standard they have of what is actually an accomplishment changes.

Yet, still it stings. I never wanted their flattery or attention. I just wanted the understanding of people who raised me that when I dust myself off and try that’s not a failure. Life doesn’t go from bad to great and just stay there. It’s a process and a journey. And if they don’t want to be a guide then at least make me remember I can lead myself.

Trying. Picking yourself up slowly. It isn’t a failure Mamma & Dad. It’s not a waste of money.

I am serious about my own journey. I can make a life out of what I love. So this L.L.C. will fill me with pride. I need to believe in my own strength.

The pain you gave me will hurt enough for a lifetime, but not trying will hurt me even more,

I.L. Knight

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Down With Sickness – Disturbed

Because of You – Kelly Clarkson

And Here I Went & Had It Slip Out :

I did something I really shouldn’t of done at the dinner table. A very rude comment slipped out from my mouth and I am normally better than that. I really do ascribe to the belief that when you are in conflict with someone there exists a certain social obligation to not bring that into a social environment with people around. Maybe it’s the Southern thing in me, but I feel it is completely rude and disgraceful. So letting my resentment slip out in a comment is a bad reflection on myself more than mistakes my mom has made with me.

But it did slip out. And I can’t change that now. So all I can do is describe my feelings about it and what caused it to happen here. Since my mom and I aren’t in a place were we can talk about our feelings.

Here it is. I was sitting in the car on the way to dinner with my grandma and my mom. And they were talking about my mom’s struggles with selling her house. It’s been a very long chaotic process and my family is in real estate and loves to talk about it. Further more, my grandparents have always been very good at recognizing my aunt’s accomplishments and her part in helping my mom out sometimes. Which is something I recognize as a problem for my mom. Since she was the older sister and school things were always harder due to her dyslexia and certain mental illness that runs in the family. It is hard for her to watch her younger sister have unhealthy tendencies and still get praised more then her or her daughter.

Still, I think I was feeling the pressure of being unproductive and folding to my anxiety recently and so I was feeling really down. The thing is I had to be open about something I was working on and proud of. I figured telling my grandmother and the rest of my family first was better then going to my grandpa about it. Because he really hasn’t aged well when it comes to his temper and his ability to recognize anything I am doing. So when the conversation ended about real estate I tried to bring up my L.L.C. It didn’t go well.

They immediately said tell us later, maybe over dinner, and went back to their real estate conversation to talk in more circles. And that probably hit me harder then it should of, because of where I was at mentally that day. But it’s really hard sometimes being held to this ridiculous standard of what is an accomplishment for me and the fact my family is very surface level about me. They don’t really respect or acknowledge that I am a human being with feelings and struggles until I get into a major problem. And then even then it’s about the disappointment of it all. It hurts that they never dive past the shallow to actually get to know me and fight my introverted nature. I hate the fact that everything I do is so very easily dismissed and no one ever wants to talk about it. Even if they will dwell on other people’s conversational topics. My grandparents consider me as their third daughter, and yet I feel like I am a robot they expect to be perfect so they feel like they’ve accomplished their dreams through me.

So when they dismissed it, I felt something a little worse then slighted. Betrayed. Ignored. Unloved. Lonely. Most sad adjectives really. I kind of felt numb, but at the same time that everything I do is worthless in the end. Here I was struggling to find the perfect holiday gifts for them, because I now had my own money and they didn’t really care about the gifts or me growing up. They made me feel like a side piece that was expected to handle everything on their own, because their support was painful. Meanwhile, I began to dwell on their attitude about presents. With my grandma her presents are always kind of shady. Like a free coupon for a blow out the last two years in a row, because she doesn’t think I do my hair enough. With my aunt she’s always been the slightly better one with her craziness in finding good gifts. I mean, she once made me a Shinee shirt with the wrong member, because she remembered their name. It was cute. My mom really is the kind of the worst at gifts. She always gets me jewelry. And yea I like them, but it is never something I really want or appreciate on my birthday or on a holiday. And she always said she can’t help it, because jewelry catches her eye. It’s just every year getting the same thing you don’t really care about is more then just unsurprising, it kind of hurts as a buildup kind of pain. Here I hunt for jewelry for you, because you love it and even advise the rest of the family on what you love. And you ignored my need for a new laptop to buy me a diamond necklace on my 21st birthday. I can’t wear it, so you took it and wear it yourself.

Plus there is their reaction to gifts I give them. They either move on or go it’s cute, thanks, and then move on still. My grandpa didn’t care about the cute Trump mug I got him about liberal tears. My grandma didn’t care for more then a second that I found a cute coffee cup that said ‘coffee makes me poop’ when that is her current catch phrase. My mom at least wore the rose quartz masala beads I got her for a night. Which is okay. And my Aunt did recognize I noticed she needed a new credit card slip for the back of her phone. She even enjoyed the monogram and that it was black leather. Still, it hurts.

So here I was ruminating on that in the car ride to Olive Garden and then we get there. And I am silent in a corner as they talk about more real estate. It never ends. By the time dinner got to the end I never got to say my good news. Hey family, guess what? I own my own business at 21! Wahoo~ Yea, that news didn’t really come out at all. So I was like yo, let me tell my good news. And they all sighed and basically implied yea just get on with it already. And I did. And they didn’t really care. My grandma was like okay and turned away from my direction. My mom then asked why. Which my grandma said she didn’t understand my choice, because I am not in the place to spend money and school is most important. My Aunt said congrats. My mom said an argument to defend my grandma when she saw my face. I couldn’t respond and then they moved on.

The thing is my mom felt bad and a little while later why my grandma was paying the check she turned and tried to say congrats and be supportful in her but this kind of way. The thing is I was already deeply hurt by then. Doing this was a huge thing for me when I have so much pride I don’t do things for the risk of failure and their opinions on it. So when she commented how could I not tell her sooner, she wouldn’t of yelled at me for being on my computer so much I slipped out this:

Because I don’t like you.

And then the table went silent. And I immediately in my head had to be like OH SHIT. But in my typical fashion I put on a ‘I don’t give a damn I am a proud cold fish’ sort of face. Which made my mom freak out more. She was all like seeee she starts everything and hates me. I.L. Knight is awful blah blah. I.L. Knight is evil blah blah. We don’t have a relationship, because she hates me blah blah. She is a rude bitch blah blah. And so in increasing in the I am monster sort of comments. Of course my aunt turned away and ignored it, because she only says anything when she feels like I am scary psychopathic monster. Which is impossible by the way since I am emo about my emotions. But even my grandma was silent and disappointed. She completely turned away and didn’t say anything. Even though she knows about some of my hurt with my mom. We had talked about earlier how the present thing was messed up. Yet, she couldn’t give me the grace of looking at me when she knew why I was sort of down today.

It reinforced in my mind that to them I was damaged goods. Before it was like there were just cracks to the perfection a person was supposed to have. Now, I was completely gone. I was an unfixable project with sociopathic tendencies.

I used to be better about my slip ups. I was perfect about pretending to be happy and dedicated to the goals they had for me. Since going to college and dealing with growing pains and health problems, I have lost my perfectly crafted mask. And in the process have really felt my tendency towards depression.

I don’t know. Here I am finally trying to pick up the pieces and they are more anxious about my 7 year old cousin’s interest in Ouji Boards then the fact some times I feel like my body is on fire and I can’t walk in the morning. Because, I leave it at I’m tired to much.

The silent ride home was really great guys. I am building more resentment towards my family over holiday presents,

I.L. Knight

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Daddy Why Did You Eat My Fries – Adventure Time

Oh Father – Madonna

Motivation & Updates :

I’m finding it so hard to stay motivated and do what I got to do to build myself up as a trying to be an adult person that makes what I love earn money lately. There’s just so much going on :

  1. Healthcare forms/drug aid forms for both US/Canada
  2. Business Licensing
  3. Moving
  4. Last Week of One Of My Day Jobs equaling picking up crazy hours of extra shifts
  5. The Holidays I’m missing and the frustration of my crazy family about it
  6. Sleep Problems
  7. Inability to still get all of heavily important medications
  8. The stress of returning to school with no close friends (the pains of adulthood) and a bunch of disappointed professors in me + OH YEAH MEMORY FOG ISSUES
  9. The exhaustion of Funcutional Training and the toll it has on my body
  10. The desire to find time to WRITE MY OWN SHIT
  11. The necessity to go last minute shopping for goods and clothes which I had hated even before I gained weight
  12. Still being in the very early stages of my recovery/adjustment of my auto-immune disease diagnosis
  13. Just generally being an awkward skeletal panda thingy mabob
  14. Balancing my Mental Health and my barely recognized depression and suicidal nature

I’m so tired y’all. I don’t even have the energy to pop on my new filter for my mic,

I.L Knight

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Sick and Tired – Anastacia

Tuesday Updates :

Hi Hi Y’all σ(≧ε≦o)!

Here’s the latest and greatest about what’s been going on : I’ve finally made a dent in my back to school and moving chores.

Which means things will be put on a schedule and uploaded everyday !!!

This week’s schedule :

Tuesday – finish organizing so smooth sailing ~

Wednesday – Upload all the old blog posts

Thursday – Website Fixes and Site Updates

Friday – SURPRISE ! ଘ꒰ ๑ ˃̶ ᴗ ᵒ̴̶̷๑꒱و ̑̑ tee hee ~

Saturday – Light Novel Updates

Sunday – Original Work Day

Next Monday – Marvel Updates

 

And yes. The surprise should be pretty good,

I.L. Knight

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Watch Me Rise – Mikky Ekko