What’s Been Going On Lately? :

Hi Hi Y’all…

It’s me. I know I’ve been making a lot of statements and promises since the beginning of this year and haven’t really been following through with them. In fact, I’ve seemingly half-assed works and developing friendships. I’m going to do my best to explain and have it somewhat understandable.

HEALTH

Some of you have had the opportunity to be aware of some of things that are going on with me. Recently, I’ve had to make the decision to take down a lot of what I had posted and change my decisions of what I will post. A lot of this has to do with what I want for the future and how it all has been affecting those around me and changes on what effects I’m okay with. This may be one of the few posts going forward where I am so open about these things so I will try to make it worth it.

Physical Health

Before I went to university I was a pretty healthy person. I mean, I had my problems like everyone and knew I was someone who would have to work hard with my weight my entire life. That was why I ran, did martial arts, yoga and tried my best to remain physical.

Things started to change in my first year of university. At first, I gained the stereotypical freshman 10 pounds from change of lifestyle and being on your own. I did my best to not let that affect me and try to continue working hard.

Soon I started to feel sluggish and tired. It was harder to do things and my head would hurt more often. I attributed it to drinking way too much coffee and going out and trying to have a night life.

By the end of my freshman year I started to notice something really was happening. Everything was 10x harder to do and required more effort. It made me tired and weary. My head felt cloudy and dizzy. I often fell asleep or found my body severely hurting. The worst was my back and joints.

I tried to explain all of this to my family and doctors and at first they pretty much came up with a lot of excuses that implied it was all me. But there is something about a person just knowing that there is something wrong and it is everyone else around you that is saying utter bullshit.

It took two really bumpy years of resulting life problems and a surge of sucky progression for people to start believing me. The problem was by the time they did my entire life had changed. I was now a completely different person. I was someone sick. Leaving my bed physically was hard and painful. My head felt like it was going to split open and reading paragraphs felt like a foreign language. Forget being able to sleep or go through a day without wondering why my body was trying to kill me. Everything was pain and struggle.

A whole another year went by full of tests and random medication and speculation that just prolonged the confusion and suffering. So many people I knew that I was lying, exaggerating or causing all of it since no easy answers were given. By the end of it, the doctors just laughed and smiled happily. I was lucky and should be relieved that it wasn’t Cancer or anything exotic sounding. It was simply other ‘easier’ things.

I was 23 years old and my body was simply acting as if I was at retirement age. First, they told me I had Ankylosing Spondylitis. Something I couldn’t even spell if I didn’t have to. Apparently, back stiffness and pain wasn’t from scoliosis and bad posture. My immune system was causing issues with my back and joints. I had disks out of place, disks fading away, disks fusing and inflammation wherever my body seemed to be able to cause it. It was such an easy and simple thing to everyone. Then I had Arthritis. It was basically, in their own words similar and a common result of having the first thing. It was meant to explain why I have even more inflammation problems in my joints and when my body tries to heal from something. Lastly, they were ecstatic to tell me that everything else was the result of Fibro Myalgia so I should be relieved. My body was simply processing pain more intensely than the average person. Great, right?

Everyone expected me to bounce back immediately to the person I was and be amazing again. I spent another two years going through different treatment options, meds, physical therapies and professional opinions on how to handle it. Also, a shit ton of judgement. All that weight I gained from being stuck in bed for two years? Why couldn’t I immediately work to get rid of it? I wasn’t missing a limb or dying. And so many people who are go out there and do amazing things. Who was I to be such a failure? My pain was simple and easy. By my name I was expected to always be a fighter.

The thing is I am still working on it. I’m working on the crazy flare ups with no schedule, the ever changing symptoms, the emotional toll, the sleepless nights, the loss of self, the joints that pop out of place, the inflammation that can cause me to look like a hunchback, the use of cane some days, the weight that brings judgement, and the attention I’m expected to pay to myself. Boy, I am really really really trying to work on it.

And sometimes, I am not the best at it. It affects me and what I do. I hate that. I wish that wasn’t true. But it is true and I have to always think of ways to be content with that and try to live a happy life.

Mental Health

I think even before my physical health issues I’ve been open and weird about my mental health issues. I don’t keep a diary (hate it) and I go back and forth with therapists that my writing has always kept a part of myself and where I’m at at the time.

Growing up, I dealt with a lot of expectations. My grandfather ended up with all girls and all of us with our own problems. He himself had dreams he wanted to fulfill but didn’t. So all those hopes and wishes everyone had all felt to me. I was raised to think that was right and fight to make sure I fulfill them. That puts a lot of stress and pressure on a child even when they aren’t realizing that is what it is. Even worse, I never knew how to talk to them or other people about things that weren’t about the expectations. My natural introvertedness and social anxieties just got worse. I never knew who I was or what I wanted.

Then came bullying. It seperated me into two halves. The one who was always on in public and the one who waited alone in the shadows. That does work for awhile. The split functions with one stable and holding you together. The thing is that all it takes is one thing to bring it down completely.

For me, it was middle school. By the time I entered it that shadow part of me hated myself. It knew I was a failure and that I was doing only enough to get by in fulfilling my expectations. It mocked me and reminded me that there was no one I had a real connection with. I became someone who pitied themselves and that was what brought me down- that pity.

I accepted a lot for the idea of creating the image around me. What ever it took to seem like I was fulfilling some of those expectations. Whether it was complete or off or not. Some of it was being done right. The problem is when you make the chose to allow pity into your life the price for things becomes even more expensive.

I won’t go into detail about these things but I’ll say this: during puberty I dealt with massive family issues, bullying, rape, molestation and the complete denial of the idea of being my own person. I thought I was a tool for others.

That lead me into forming a lot of unhealthy relationships and making a lot of poor decisions for myself. That shadowy part of me was pushed aside even more. When any sense of a connection occurred I poured too much into it. I entered an extremely unhealthy relationship and allowed that to be the new thing that defined me. I had at this point completely accepted I was whatever those around me saw me as.

This didn’t change much in high school. The only thing I learned by the end of it was that I really never learned much about social relations and making decisions at all.

So, I thought entering University would be that fresh start with the new knowledge I had learned and the new opportunities that would present themselves. Yea, I was still pretty naieve and thought those problems I pushed down would stay down.

They didn’t. I broke. I had to face things I didn’t want to face and face even knew things. New lessons had be learned and boy oh boy did I struggle with them. There was no idea on how to balance them all with this new environment and this possible new me.

But eventually, everything around me was exploding and so I sat down to try to. It didn’t go so well at first and even now it is rocky at times. I’m Bi-Polar. It runs in the family. I have Depression and Anxiety. That also runs in my bat shit insane family. I have ADHD. Welp.

I can’t run away and live in my feelings when it comes to this. It’s always on my mind that even if I want to live in the feelings and writings that can be born from not dealing with it I can’t. Life is going on around me and I have to participate in it. So, I take my meds every day and always try to put that first on my list of responsibilities. Still, I can’t stop that there will be days that I will feel extremely down or days that I have a panic attack at the idea of something stupid.

What I can do is be responsible for knowing that I don’t have to be low enough again where I think of suicide or high enough that I am super productive for three weeks in a row at the cost of sleep.

It’s always going to be my bumpy ride

SCHOOL

Growing up, I never had a problem in school. I was either great at something or if I spent some time on it could be better than average. It is something I began to define myself as. I was the smart one just like my grandfather. If I put my mind to it I could do anything I wanted. And yea, through high school I could certainly get by with being like that.

However, university is a whole different ball game. Especially, when you choose an elitist school in a foreign country that has a different system with different expectations. My first year, I had to realize I was not a special unicorn. I mean… I still was a unicorn just not a super special one or anything.

And that was fine… I like to be challenged and I wanted to prove myself. The problem was I wasn’t an adult ready to be independent. The school I attended expects a person to become independent.

Well, life hit me with a lot of challenges and I took them hard. School wasn’t the same for me and it fell way down on my list of things I need to handle. It came up only when feelings of failure and disappointment did. Or when I got angry and frustrated. When I wanted to lash out at the crappy things people did around me.

Now, I’ve been in University for six years and I haven’t finished my four year degree. Now, it isn’t completely me. There is medical leave and school class limit restrictions in there but still it’s on me.

All those feelings about it are really consuming. It’s not just the past me who expected to get through this successfully but the current me. I should be able to finish this at least and succeed in it in some way.

I am frustrated that there are restrictions on me causing this to be even longer and that there is a part of me that believes some of them are right.

All I know is that I have to figure out a way to finish my four years. That is a part of the old me that has remained and reminded me of what I always thought was me.

MONEY

My family since I’ve been born has always been middle class or above. One side worked hard for it and the other was born into it. I was really naive and privileged with it. Private education, fancy clothes, fancy meals, and all the activities I could want were normal.

When the first depression hit from housing my side of the family took it hard and they never really fully recovered. For them it was a reminder of how they worked so hard in the first place to get there and all the feelings from losing that consumed parts of them. They acted like the things they did to get to middle class wasn’t worth the same anymore. They also realized that the spoiling they did for us may have not the been the best thing for us an individuals.

Over the years, that realization has become a crippling addition to their personalities. They have become overly difficult and hard as if to make up for everything they did in the past. The problem was they never accurately prepared their children for it.

In some sense, my age was beneficial that way. I’ve had the time and chances to start to learn as I’ve gotten older and realize the worth of money. That’s definitely a big bonus.

The problem is I don’t have the time, resources or ability to rapidly change and become independent. Let alone, help my family and their financial difficulties.

Recently, my mother’s hours have been cut to the point where staying in her house is truly a questionable choice. It could be done if my mom changed her life style but even with the changes she made she is used to a life style that can’t be afford. Much of which still requires money to be maintained whether you want to or not.

I can’t get mad at her for that because it’s always been her life, she doesn’t have the tools she should have by now and I myself fall victim to the same problem.

The issue is now I’m expected to do more than just help and I have no idea how I’m supposed to really do that. Besides, the new idea of trying to balance a full time job Monday through Friday and a part time job Saturday and Sunday. While, also trying to get online classes during this crisis and be able to do them with that work schedule.

Maybe then I can get enough money to cover my family and the mess they have dug themselves in.

Also, I need to pay for my university semester no matter what and float my credit card as a new card to use.

I’m really panicking here. It’s hard for me to do most jobs with my health issues. They are too hard on my body right now.

I’m really struggling with this emotionally and physically.

DREAMS

Over the years I’ve gone through a pretty big self discovery process. I’ve learned that a lot of the things I thought I wanted I didn’t really want. They were either expected of me or things I wanted because I liked the idea of them or even liked part of them.

Instead, I realized what the things I like or could want. I started to take a look at my hobbies and passions. Were there things I could make money off of? Make a life out of? Enjoying doing for a long time? There were… And all of them had different ways of going about them.

I thought here would be where I could still have that ambitious part of me fulfilled so I jumped in. I was only half prepared for it. So there’s been a few years of trial and error and mistakes and stuff. Can’t deny that.

I can say I’m trying to fix that. Do research first and set schedules I can keep. To say hey this is what I want so I will do the work for it.

With everything that has gone down in my life and whatever version of myself I have become I will always be a writer. That is a part of myself I can’t deny or not pursue. Whether I end up working somewhere else on top of it or being able to work enough to make that my life is still undecided.

I guess I just want to say that I believe that even with struggles I’ll never fully disappear or give up on this. I want to be a writer and share stories. That is my gift. Part of my purpose.

All I can do is hope that there is patience and understanding when it comes with those dealing with me.

CORONA

My final subheading is about the current world crisis. It has basically blown up everything above to a level of extreme stress and wonder if I can handle it. The answer is I’m not sure. All I know is right now I am trying to survive and just keep going.

Because this pandemic has affected the system and structure of everything I deal with. From doctors and getting medication, to using online banking to pay bills, to taking classes, getting a job and to being able to leave my home at all has all exploded. Honestly, my mental health and physical health hasn’t been the only thing that has severely taken damage from all of these changes. I have in total of everything become over-worked, over-stressed, unsure, in unbearable pain, questioned myself to no end and have scrapped myself off my bed to try and just move through it all.

I couldn’t of even imagined the result of this pandemic on me and my family. On how it has changed everything. Like Taxes. Filing them was the most difficult thing ever this year. Like OMG WHY WAS FILLING MY TAXES SO DIFFICULT.

Conclusion

Anyways Guys, I’m trying. I’m really trying.

I.L. Knight

Fight Song – Rachel Platten

D & D :

Hi Hi Y’all~

Sadly, my D&D session got canceled for this week and so I don’t have any new quotes or anything for my character.

Instead, I am going to put a link to my Ko-Fi where I have art by Blizaga of the character (many of my characters) and her brief backstory introduction.

Also, I am going to link a Critical Role related video on character backstory creation. I didn’t use it for this character but I wish I did when I first started playing D&D because a lot of things said about creating a good backstory are common mistakes made.

I’d also like to take one moment to point out something: D&D as a way to look at yourself and expand your view. For years all my early characters were half elves (which says a lot) and they were almost always Sorcerers (again, that says a lot). When I finally got out of that box, I grew as both a person and a writer.

Currently, I am playing a 1/2 orc druid in my main campaign and having the time of my life doing it.

I.L. Knight

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Taliesin Jaffe

D & D :

Hi Hi Y’all,

This is posting late because I was sick the last few days BUT here was my hint of DND stuff from Wedsnesday. I present another loveable quote from a deranged nature loving 1/2 Orc.

Other Character: “Muk is the only one who can see in this party.” Mine: “Muk is the only one who can do anything in this party.”

Ah, if you haven’t checked out Glasha’s Backstory yet at on my Ko -Fi then you may need to know Muk is my character’s giant red wolf spider companion. He has a +10 on stealth, a +6 on perception and an AC of 16 ( which is higher than my own character’s measly 12 ). Muk’s a good boy.

I.L. Knight

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Druid Character Advice Amy Falcone – DnD Beyond

Fan Fiction Friday :

Hi Hi Y’all ~

So this is going to be a tiny Fan Fiction Friday update. Introducing, All Souls Trilogy by Deborah Harkness into the fold today~

I’m a huge fan of the series and I am super happy my brain finally sparked with an idea for what to do with it!

~ Hope Y’all Enjoy The First Chapter ~

I.L. Knight

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Diana & Matthew

HAPPY HALLOW’S EVE & Fan Fiction Fridays ~

Hi Hi Y’all~

It’s Halloweeen y’aaallll~

I was saving this upcoming [ #FFF ] Fan Fiction Friday for this exact day. Let us liiiive in the fantasy for one day of horror and treats. I have prepared for you all and for our crazy little Sam quiet a selection.

 20 + New Chapters of Harry Potter

1 New Chapter of  Eragon

2 New Chapter of Shadow Hunters

1 New Chapter of American Horror Story

1 New Chapter of A Demon Lord’s Tale

&

[ COMING SOON ] New Chapters in Chilling Adventures of Sabrina

 

Also, to remind you all and get your spirits up… Remember TOMORROW NANO WRI MO BEGINS~

ARE YOU SIGNED UP WITH BLOG? ON DISCOURSE? WITH ANYONE?

You should check Twitter for groups.

I.L. Knight

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~ This is Halloween ~

June Writing Mini-Camp: Day 19

Hi Hi Y’all!

Since, this is my first writing camp I haven’t really had it planned well. BUT I AM FIXING IT NOW! Until, the end of June I will have a post a daily reminder of the monthly camp and a day challenge to keep yourself going!

Day 19:

Reach out to any of fellow writer’s you know and check in! Tell them about your WIP and what it inspires in you.

I.L. Knight

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The Golden Girls Theme Song

Updates In Honor Of Things:

Hi Hi Y’all,

I’m baaack~~~

Let’s get the ball rolling with today’s 4 topics!

1: Star Vs. The Forces of Evil:

Ok guys, just so you know from jump I am a TomStar shipper. As amazing as the ending of the series was the loss of that and the loss of magic was just too much for my heart (even though everyone was crazy irresponsible and magic probably should of disappeared- poor all magical beings the Mewmans just murdered).

I have 0 ability to write healthy great inspiring friendships. Star and Marco to me was like the ultimate written pair of that inability I have. I didn’t see the need to have them have to be a couple. They could of stayed their own people. I will say, though, in any case based on the relationship Star had with Tom they should have broken up. Seriously, Disney that is not an appropriate example of a relationship to show children.

2: Game of Thrones:

Tonight is the final episode. This season has been a great concept awfully rushed and not fleshed out properly. I SWEAR TO G-D THAT IF THE LEAKS ARE TRUE AND BRAN BECOMES NIGHT KING I AM FLIPPING OUT. He would be a horrible disastrous unfit King.

I once again reaffirm that, besides Tyrion, Sansa is now my favorite character.

3. In Honor of HBO’s new series His Dark Materials, based off an amazing fantasy series written by Philip Pullman, I may be doing a short fan fiction for it:

The current rough draft idea is a young girl of a man who owns a bookshop on the border of the bad part of town and the okay part of town. The opening would be something like this:

The door opened quickly, revealing the sounds of bells and wind. A young girl with messy strawberry hair and mismatched school tights entered the dusty shop. The shop was both bigger than it seemed, as was the case of the entire old building, and smaller than it seemed due to the massive amounts of books stacked everywhere. The presence of a large lioness sleeping off in the side also effected the dimensions quite a bit.

“Dad.”

A tall salt and pepper haired man walked out from behind a doorway. A soft smile appearing on his face.

“You’re back sooner than expected.”

The girl huffed her way towards the counter. The tiny rat that had been hiding in her coat scuttled his way out of her clothes and onto the wood. His form shifting quite quickly into that of a bored looking lynx.

“There was no club activities today.”

He smile appeared to grow even gentler.

“I see. Do you want to help with the shop?”

She shook her head no.

“There doesn’t ever seem to really be a need too.”

The older gentleman faked a wince.

“Who taught you to be so mean to your father.”

“Certainly not mom.”

The gentle atmosphere turning somewhat somber and still.

“Neith.”

She looked down annoyed.

“I know, I know. She’s on an adventure.”

The room silent till she continued her words.

“What sort of adventure requires a child’s entire lifetime, though….”

Her father cracked a small smile.

“I imagine an adventure that is quite fun.”

4: Confessions Of A Teenage Poet:

It’s a sappy lame poetry book that y’all should check out! It is released late this week on Amazon Kindle!

I.L. Knight

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His Dark Materials – HBO Season 1 Trailer

A Tribute To Daemons

*Cover by the fabulous @melo_dekelsa *

Marvel- Endgame :

Hi Hi Y’all

It’s no secret to anyone that in a rousing debate of DC vs Marvel I will always argue the greatness of DC comics. However, I think we all know that cinematically Marvel has been killing it these last few years (and that’s including how over super hero movies some of us are.)

I was forced to see the first part by friends and I can say I wasn’t all that impressed. Besides the major squeals of seeing all the characters come together the pacing felt off, rushed and awkward. The story line didn’t draw me in the way I was expecting and it definitely felt like the whole thing was just made to show epic movie effects of Hero vs. Thanos.

HOWEVER, Endgame was very different. I have no idea how to do that tab that covers up spoilers so DO NOT read the part below if you haven’t seen it and don’t want spoilers. DO NOT. I have separated the sections!

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Endgame thoughts & spoilers

I will not say Endgame was perfect movie. It was definitely better than part 1 though. The pacing and story made a lot more sense in the massive part of the movie being a huge battle. AND THE BATTLE WAS AMAZING. When I saw my Black Panther cast walk out first I was so hyped. Shuri for the win~ Then when all the portals opened from Doctor Strange I was like this is great. We are getting the arrival of almost every character of the movie series so far!!! [ Minus of course those who died already: ‘Loki’, ‘Black Widow’, ‘Vision’, ‘Quicksilver’ and ‘Yondu’ ] The only disappointment I really had with the battle was not getting good views of those who were fighting between our lovely space crew and a reveal that Loki is indeed alive (whether he fought or not he is our beloved god of mischief!).

HERE COMES THE MAJOR SPOILER-REMINDER TO JUMP AHEAD! Even I, who was completely non-invested in the Marvel universe, cried at the end.  When it comes to the comics, pre-Robert Downey Jr., Iron Man was a different (more boring) character. However, the comics shifted along with the movies and the character got much more interesting, mostly because it became more like Robert Downey Jr. You could say that out of all the heroes Marvel introduced the starting hero Robert Downey Jr (cough * Iron Man* cough) was always a stand out.

I found his solo movies good but not spectacular, However, every time he featured in another movie Iron Man really shined as a character. The character had wit, sarcasm and a sort of anti-hero like vibe. Iron Man consistently went head to head with the goody two shoes and the controversial political bodies. He exhibited what it meant to be in a morally grey area and have to make the best decisions you can in a moment. My favorite part of him was how much everyone thought he would never be the main hero at the end of every event. Even when he proved himself in New York the idea was still Captain America or Thor.

He was probably the character I was most invested in and he died. The character I wished for more than anything (especially, after seeing his daughter) to survive died. Once again, it was him – the starter, the beginning, the sarcastic asshole- who made the last sacrificial move. As a writer, I had to say that was a brilliant move. The beginner was the ender. The character revealed its complete development and the whole universe had to acknowledge what Tony Stark really was ( the movie could have given him a statue though).

As a comic book lover and a viewer though, I was torn up inside. I actually cried in the theater. One of the characters I most identified with made the choice I think I would make and got the result that I expected to happen. I couldn’t help but cry that it was the human being who used his brain to get more powerful was the ultimate savior. As much as I love overpowered crazily gifted heroes the ones who always inspire me the most are the ones who are just people. It’s great to be sparkly and all but that’s not real even in their universe. A guy who was lucky to born into a wealthy family used his opportunities to make even more opportunities. Other people got to benefit and grow from them and in the eyes of the world grew past him. But to me, the man who provided the opportunities, he was a silent-ish guide and a person who no matter his flaws would make the hard call at the end of the day is the best character out there. At the very least, He should of been more worthy than Captain America to at least pick up that hammer once. 

Alright, I’ll end spoilers here.

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So, my recommendation is that you’ll probably enjoy the movie and should go see it.

Advice from little ‘ol strange me,

I.L. Knight

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Best Of Iron Man

 

*** Image by Elijah O’Donnel***

Life Updates & Story Ideas:

Hi hi y’all,

I was sitting at my computer and was dying in the agony of having nothing to watch when the odd suggestion of Blood Ties came across my screening. I’m not going to lie, after binging the two seasons I have many comments. Is this a 90s show? It feels SUPER 90s. Why is the tension between Henry and Vicki written so awkwardly but still makes me rage about them not having SEX yet! Henry was objectively (even with awkward lines and plots) very yummy. Also why is your relationship with Mike so awkward? Will his new female partner learn the truth and handle it without trying to kill Henry like he did? Or Vicki? Why does Coreen have such awful taste and horrible luck with men? Again, I’d take a Henry.

But, it is more important to push these aside for a moment and remember that when it comes to me and dead/dying shows I immediately wonder about remakes. If I was to resurrect Blood Ties then what should be done?

Here is my rough remake version for 2019 peeps:

(1) Change Vicki to be a uni student that has a dead family member who was a cop. Have her going blind become a more prominent point in the series since TV has started to FINALLY get a bit better about showcasing that.

(2) Make Mike be an older childhood friend who is already a well known or great young cop.

(3) Coreen should be younger and less super goth looking. This isn’t 90s cliche moments.

(4) Keeping Henry as he was is fine just give him better lines.

(5) Just in general be better about plot. The monsters and flow got a bit… WEIRD towards the end.

BUT NONE OF THIS MATTERS SINCE I JUST REMEMBERED IT’S BASED OFF A BOOK. Oh well~

Moving on, I also recently saw Shazam. It was good. The flaws were covered up by the fact that having a good DC movie in awhile was a shock, having an actor who played a child well instead of being weird, a well assembled support cast and the hint of the SHAZAM FAMILY AT THE END!

That also got me thinking… I need to be better about my writings (time was, commitment wise and aspiration wise).

One day I don’t want to just see my books on shelves, but TV shows I’ve made or movies I’ve helped write. I want to stand as a creator that excels in their craft.

Soooooo….Basically….I guess I’m saying… I’m back?

I.L. Knight

P.s. buy my web novel (https://www.amazon.com/Tale-Shadow-Light-Chronicles-ebook/dp/B07L5F6DXZ) please?

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DARKNESS – Ultimate Epic Music

 

 

*** Cover done by SD09 ***